Does Vern have an Innie or Outie?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Weird things have been happening around here and it all started when I dropped my phone.  About a month ago I was at my mom’s and for some stupid reason I threw my phone from the chair I was sitting on to her bed.  I forget my phone a lot, so I was trying to make sure I put it next to my purse and apparently, I was too lazy to walk the 5 feet to make that happen.  My mom and I both watched as my throw fell short and my phone slid off her bed and onto the floor.  That throw cost me $230 for a replacement phone and for some company named Genius to try and retrieve the data from the old phone.  Keep in mind that was the cost WITH the phone insurance I purchased when I got the phone, which I have now figured out is just another name for Rip Off.  Everything was fine until I dropped my phone again at the airport.  This time I had placed the phone inside Archer’s baseball cap and when I went to get his hat, the phone slid out again and landed on the parking lot floor and broke.  Back to the store where I ended up just buying a new phone and when all was said and done, Archer left with a new children’s tablet.   What can I say? The power of persuasion gets me every time and is the reason flipping channels late at night is not a good idea for me.  I have succumbed several times to those home shopping channels, only to have the item show up at our house and make me wonder what was I thinking.

 

Things are different on the second phone and that means I don’t really know what I am doing.  So far, I posted a GIF to a group I am in on Facebook.  We were talking about dog rescue and all of a sudden the family from Black-ish showed up waving.  I was as confused as everyone in the group and more so, when someone asked me why I had posted it.  I didn’t even know what a GIF was or how to post one, so it will forever remain a mystery.  Yesterday, I posted a bunch of emoticons and butt dialed a friend in Canada.  I had no idea my butt was so talented, because the only thing it has been good for up until this point is forcing me to buy bigger pants. 

 

What does all this have to do with Vern having an innie or outie?  Well, not much, other than to emphasize that odd things have been happening to me and I can blame some of the things on a new phone which appears smarter than the user. In other words, the crazy things happening can be explained, and I hope you keep that in mind when I tell you about Vern.  Fudge and Vern went to the groomer’s yesterday.  They were in bad shape and although I placed the blame on me being gone for ten days and them being under the care of their dad, if I am honest, that had nothing to do with it.  Usually, I only think about grooming when they reach the “homeless” stage, but this time they had surpassed even that stage and had moved into the “neglect” stage when I dropped them off.  My instructions were for them to be bathed and given a short, summer cut.  She even asked if that meant leaving only a quarter of an inch all the way around and I countered with leaving one half inch. 

 

My dogs hate going to the groomer’s and I hate it even more, because her salon is located down a long, narrow hall and I have visions of getting trapped in there with my two dogs as other dogs are going out.  Usually, the groomer only has my dogs there at their appointment time, but yesterday some woman, without an appointment, had snuck in right before me and wanted my groomer to get a tick off of her dog.  Nothing makes me angrier than to have an appointment and have to wait for a drop-in and especially when that someone has not treated her dog for fleas and ticks and is now shocked that her dog has FOUR ticks.  By the time the groomer finished with the “I have never had this problem before and where are ticks found?” lady (I almost shouted, “on your dog, idiot!”) my poor dogs were beyond nervous and ready to go.  They always go into the groomers as meek and well mannered dogs and come out like they have had a couple of Red Bulls during their appointment and are now ready to paint the town red.  When I picked them up after their appointment, we headed to the park for a walk and that is when it happened.

 

We were walking along or rather I was being pulled along, since the adrenalin was still pumping, and I looked down and couldn’t see Vern’s penis.  If only I had my camera with me or knew how to take a picture with my new phone, I could have had proof that I am not making this up.  Vern may not be the most well endowed dog, but you can see it and I swear, I couldn’t see it hanging down.  And before you think I spend too much time looking for body parts on my dogs, I don’t, but when something goes missing that is normally there, you notice.    If Vern hadn’t been so happy, I would have thought the groomer took everything down to a quarter inch and that I should have given more specific instructions.  I actually said to Vern, “what happened to your penis?” and when he didn’t respond, I had him lie down and roll over and took a closer look and all I could see was a funny looking nub…almost like it was tucked back inside itself.  I honestly didn’t know what to do and didn’t think shouting, “HELP…I can’t find my dog’s penis!” was a good idea at a local park, so I poked it.  Again, I didn’t want to end up in the newspaper as the woman caught poking a dog’s penis at the park, but I thought maybe a quick poke would shed some light on the subject and cause a “reemergence “ of sorts, or at least assure me that something was there that my eyes could not see.  I draw the line at one “clinical type” poke and when nothing spectacular happened, I encouraged Vern to go potty.   When he finally lifted his leg to pee, it seemed as if things got righted and all was finally well on Vern’s underside. FYI: if you Google “Does stress cause a dog’s penis to shrink or disappear?” don’t be alarmed at what “pops up”.

 

Well, you can only imagine John’s response when I told him what happened.  Normally, the big news in our house when John gets home is whether or not I cooked, but this time I greeted him with the news about Vern’s penis and when I got to the poke part, he said I might want to choose my audience wisely when telling my story.  He also said this is the not the first time I haven’t been able to find a penis and in the past, I never seemed to go the extra mile with a poke.  All I responded back with was that my mother taught me that nothing good ever came from a poked penis and in Vern’s case, I felt it was a medical procedure that had to be done. He was glad I had not called him at work in a panic and forced him to try and calm me with co-workers listening.  I knew exactly what he meant because once, Hayley and Megan got into a fight about sharing string cheese and Hayley put it down her pants and Megan called me at work to tattle.  It wasn’t easy trying to whisper forcefully to Hayley to take the cheese out of her pants without drawing my co-worker’s attention that my kids put food down their pants as a kind of “I am on base and safe,” technique.

 

I know what happened yesterday after the groomer.  I am not nuts and I saw it with my own two eyes. It had nothing to do with George Constanza’s pool and shrinkage theory and I believe everything to do with stress. 

It really did scare me and proved how far I was willing to go to help one of my dogs.  I will also say I was thankful that I always carry antibacterial soap in my car and I used plenty of it when I got back there.  Vern seems fine today. I, however, have lost my cell phone again and accidentally dialed Megan’s number twice to see if I could find my phone when it rang.  Needless to say all I got was Megan calling me from work to ask why I kept calling her.  I didn’t dare tell her about Vern and his penis for fear she would call her dad and I might end up in a “special place” wearing a very tight jacket. 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

BG, I had an Otterbox and took it off because it kept getting dirty and I could not get the thing off myself. That's when all the trouble started. I now have a new phone and a case on it, so hopefully the problem is solved. Thank you!! Of course, I would never embarrass my dogs. LOL

Donna, I can just see Gord getting the snowball off Boo's paw :) Now, that is weird....LOL!! Guess what? How do you know I wasn't calling my favorite shop in Newfoundland?

[BG and Gavin]

This has to be your best misadventure yet! Poor Vern. It was a good thing his furiends were not around to witness this. I can imagine the taunts he would endure! As for the cell phone, one word: Otterbox!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Oh there is so much material in this blog but I can't stop laughing at you poking around for Vern's missing penis. I think that may be right up there with DH chewing a stubborn snowball off Quincy's paw. BTW Sorry I missed your call. :>)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, DJ :)

[DJ & Chance]

Maybe the cell phone has a secret Vern innie and outie button.  I bet that's the explanation.  Hilarious read.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol, She never listens to my good advice :) Thank you!

[Carol and Banjo]

Laughing, laughing, laughing!     And then laughing some more when I read F did the search!   LOL

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sally, Yes, I did.....LOL :) You wouldn't be the first person to think a tight jacket might be a good fit for me...LOL!!

[Sally M]

Laurie, am I seeing things?!? Did you really post a blog about your dog's "ding dong" (or lack thereof)??? I'm glad my puppy is female! With her, there's nothing to vanish and/or reappear. And even if there was, I doubt I'd have the nerve to write about it. OMD, you are a crazy gal! Maybe the tight jacket isn't a bad idea. LMAO!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Becka, LOL...of course that would be your question. I had his baseball cap on the divider between my front car seats and I put the phone on top of it...to keep everything together :) See, it does make sense. I am not insane. LOL

Joani, We grew up with a party line, too. I used to hate it when I picked up the phone and our old neighbor lady was already using it. I tell that story to my kids all the time. Thank you!!