Flat Laurie!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As most of you know by now, we have a new member of our family and she is big and flat.  I would like and take a moment and tell you how Flat Laurie came to be.  I am sure most of you also know that I have a bit of OCCD, which for most laypersons is known as Obsessive Compulsive Competitive Disorder.  I had my poster done (with the help of PJ) for the DK cruise door competition finished in February of 2013 and the cruise was not until October of 2013. 

When I went home to Indiana this summer, my sister showed me some photos of her niece’s high school graduation party and a life size cardboard cutout of the niece that her mother had done for the party.  Well, as you can imagine this was like one of those Oprah “Aha” moments and we all agreed that one of these cutouts would be a perfect addition to the cruise and the door decoration.   Unfortunately, Hayley, my resident Photoshop expert, thought it was beneath her talents and quite frankly, a little odd.  Luckily, I have a much less judgmental Camilla on standby to help with some of my wackier ideas and I think it speaks to our maturity level that we both agreed this idea was a winner. Of course, my doppelganger would need to be wearing a bikini and water shoes (why does everyone think they are clown shoes?) for it to be the absolute perfect doppelganger. I supplied the photos and the rest as they say is history.

Without Camilla’s help, I would have had to take an actual photograph of myself in a bikini and water shoes, and sent the photo off for my cutout.   Even I know that taking a self-portrait and blowing it up to life size proportions smacks a little of narcissism and I didn’t want to be accused of trying to draw attention to myself.  That would be odd, like Hayley said.

 

At the same time I sent Flat Laurie off to be made, I ordered bikini shirts for the women going on the cruise and muscle shirts for the men.  I was bound and determined to have a whole bikini theme going on for the cruise and wanted to have Flat Laurie stand in for me when I took the photo. 

I thought at the very least it would cause F to spit out her morning coffee and yell to nobody in particular, “I have had just about enough of Laurie and her bikini.” I thought it would be good for a few laughs and that would be that. Well, the first thing I did when I got in our room on that cruise ship was unfold Flat Laurie and try and get the kinks out before introducing her to Doris (Knox and Flash).  I have noticed each and every time that I have met Doris that she is a lovely, sweet, and classy lady.  What I have never noticed, prior to this cruise, is that she seemed to have a slight speech impediment, especially in regards to Flat Laurie.  It seemed every time Doris tried to say her name she “accidentally” said Fat Laurie instead of Flat Laurie. Of course, she apologized profusely every single time and kept saying, “why do I keep saying it wrong, y’all?” Doris really thought she was funny and wanted me to introduce her to the others immediately.

 

Who knew that once Ronna (Murphy and Wilson) met Flat Laurie they would become such hard and fast friends?  Ronna was dippy over Flat Laurie and it was so obvious to all of us who was Ronna’s favorite on this cruise. It got so bad, that a couple of times I said to Ronna, “would you like to go to breakfast with us?” only to have her say back, “not particularly, but I will go with Flat Laurie.”  Honestly, how could I compete with a cardboard cutout wearing a bikini and big water shoes that turned out to be the life of every party?  It couldn’t be done by a mere mortal.  At Key West, I did buy a wiener hat and asked Judy and Leslie if I used it as a sun visor, which way my wiener should go, but even that was not as funny as the things Flat Laurie was doing all day.

Should my wiener go this way?

Or this way?

It did produce a giggle from Leslie’s mom, Judy, which was almost worth the price of the hat, but still no competition for Flat Laurie.

 

I am getting a little ahead of myself in the story, because before we even stepped foot off the cruise ship to explore ports, Ronna had decided that Flat Laurie was going with her everywhere and pictures would follow.  Since Ronna was paddle boarding in Key West and Flat Laurie cannot get wet,  mainly because we were afraid those water shoes would fill up and sink her,  we also had to decide who got to carry her around until Ronna was done.  This presented a whole other set of problems with finding a bag to fit her into and once again I noticed Doris couldn’t let go of the whole fat/flat thing and said again, “This bag might not work. Flat Laurie’s a big girl.”  We did finally work it all out and I asked for a couple of things, 1) that Flat Laurie continue to be a good girl 2) Flat Laurie not end up in an episode of Law and Order: SVU and 3) Flat Laurie not end up in a video with no clothes on or on an episode of Jerry Springer “Who’s my baby daddy?” Promises were made before I relinquished Flat Laurie and as near as I can tell, promises were broken.

I am not deaf…I could hear the giggles and whispers and even had the clerk at the Photography kiosk say to me on more than one occasion, “are you flat in these photos, too?” I found more pictures of Flat Laurie at the Photography booth then I did of me.  There was Flat Laurie with the gang getting off the ship.  There was Flat Laurie photobombing a couple of teenagers.  Oh look, Flat Laurie is in that picture, too, and those are just the professional photos taken as you are moving about the boat or getting on or off.  Flat Laurie even came to dinner one night with the gang, but was forbidden to come to formal night, since she was wearing only her casual bikini. Who knows what is out there of Flat Laurie taken by my fellow cruisers, but I can tell you I will be suing someone if Flat Laurie ends up in a video called, “Flat Laurie does Florida!”

 

It just goes to show you that bad things can happen when you take a young, cardboard cutout out of the sheltered environment she is used to and introduce her to the bigger world.  It was like watching an episode of Breaking Amish; only this episode was called Breaking Flat Laurie.  Near as I can tell from the photos I have been allowed to see, Flat Laurie is now a drinker, pretty darn loose, spent some time in the shower with Elizabeth’s husband, and may be sporting a butterfly tattoo. She was so popular on the cruise; I didn’t even get to take her back home with me. Plus when we were talking about future cruise/trip dates and Leslie gave us a couple of dates that wouldn’t work for her, I noticed her mom, Judy, piped right up and said any date would work for her with or without Leslie.  I turned to Leslie and said, “it is pretty sad when your own mom would cruise without you and I have been replaced by a cardboard cutout.  They will probably room together next year.”  I even asked Ronna point blank if she liked Flat Laurie better than me, and she said, “probably.” John also noted that she complained less and at least at home, caused less trouble.  Doris just kept chiming in that I did this to myself and Fat Laurie (there’s that stutter again) was fun.

The good news is since Flat Laurie was in such high demand; there are now two of her.  See, she is so perfect she can be in two places at once.  My sister has Thanksgiving every year and when she heard about Flat Laurie, she was bound and determined she was coming for dinner. I kept explaining that I didn’t have Flat Laurie and for all I knew she could be headlining a Vegas show by now or working at the Mustang Ranch, but she would not take no for an answer.  She went on and on about how she was setting a place for Flat Laurie and everyone was so excited to meet her, and to shut her up, I finally ordered another one. Probably next year at this time, my sister will just invite John and Flat Laurie to Thanksgiving dinner.  Luckily, I also got her a winter outfit, because it gets cold here.

I even added her to my Christmas card and asked Hayley if she thought I should bump Fudge’s Santa picture to the back, so Flat Laurie could be on the front and got an earful. She got really mad and said, “Mother, can you hear yourself? You want to bump a family member to the back of our card for a piece of cardboard.”   I guess not everyone “gets” Flat Laurie.  All I know is this Flat Laurie is staying put in our little podunk town and no one is going to take her to the big city and turn this good girl bad. In fact, I hope she settles down soon and finds herself a Flat John.

 

P.S. Stay tuned for an exciting discussion involving a mini Flat Laurie

[Donna K & Quincy]

Hot damn, FJ looks good. :>)))))

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lonnie, Next year, FJ is going to be my poster. I will win for sure :) I am so glad you enjoyed this blog. I still laugh when I see FJ. Thank you!!

Leslie, OMD...that is hysterical. I saw a stocking thing in one of my catalogs, but now I can't find it. John definitely needs one of those and maybe my SIL, too. I always try and get him inappropriate underwear :) LOL I determined WFL will stay a good girl. I am keeping her under lock and key and since Ronna is not around, it may work.

Karen, I think FL would look great in both of those outfits. She is very stylish :) I would love to hear about your dreams :) I really think that white winter outfit is the one, but I will ask John. Fudge's monkey outfit had a banana....hmmmm....maybe that is John's bathing suit :)

Thank you, Joanne!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Christine!

Carol, I had to tell Camilla to make the boots bigger :) LOL They may bunk together. Who knows? They get around.

Nicky, LOL...I never embellish :) FL did make us all laugh a lot and that is a great thing!! We are so happy we met you and can't wait to see you again.

Gail, He has to work so I can afford all these Flat Laurie's :) LOL

Leslie, Doris did have some good one liners :) I am so glad to hear you only say it with a southern accent!

Pat, Thank you!! Next time I see you, I will bring FL and FJ :)

Deanna, I am glad to see that you vouched for the authenticity of that final shot. Of course, it was John on the cruise :) LOL

F, I know you do not have a stutter, so I am sure you meant to write Flat!! John hides it well :)

Janie, John is a good sport. He cracked up when I showed him the picture! LOL I really do have a photo of FL photobombing a couple of kids. They probably wondered where their picture was, because I bought it!

Cheryl, John just laughed. He is the best sport. He would have to be to survive living with me :) Ronna had him spoon with FL in the Grand Caymans and he did. I so hope you go next year. Details are being worked out as we speak. We always have the best time. Thank you!!

[Christine & Shelby]

OMG... this is hillarious.   I love Flat Laurie's winter outfit... it is stunning :)

[Carol and Banjo]

Beyond hilarious Laurie!   Will Flat John and Flat Laurie bunk together next cruise?  

FL's winter boots put me over the edge!   LMFAO!

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

I just deleted my whole comment by mistake....I saw a spelling error and went to what I thought was the edit button, pressed and hey presto the whole thing has disappeared. Anyway this is so much fun it's reminding me of a terrific holiday and makes me want to go again as soon as possible (with FL of course and maybe FJ too) She really was the best travelling companion, didn't cost a dime either and caused lots of laughs. I do remember that I said that every word of this particular blog is true and believe me it is! (I can't vouch for any others though) :)

[Gail and Bailey]

Oh Laurie.......well...just....oh Laurie....wow!  

Where do you even find the time to write a blog with that  yellow suit  husband of yours around the house???  

Loved the blog...(loved the pictures even more)!  :>))  

[Leslie and Halas]

Nicky is right.  "Fat Laurie" and "She's a big girl" are part of my regular vocabulary now.  Said with a southern accent, of course.

[Pat and Traveler]

OMD, this is hilarious!  I can see that what happens on cruises does not stay on cruises, at least not with all the gossip about FL!   Cute photos!!

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Once again, Laurie, you have written a hilarious blog.  However, I do have a suggestions that may have made the ending even funnier.  I know that is really presumptuous of me, as you are the queen of blogging hilarity, but you missed a golden opportunity in regards to the shot of John.  Rather than posting an actual photo of John taken on the cruise, you should have photoshopped his head onto some really ripped male swimsuit model.  Do you see how that would have enhanced the humor??   By the way, I'm available if you want to run future blogs by me before publishing them.

Seriously - this blog is too funny!!  And, Doris, I get your little play on words, you naughty little girl!!!