Fudge and Vern Gone Wild!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Something is happening to Fudge and Vern!  They have been getting into all kinds of trouble lately and driving me nuts.  Yesterday, I tried to sell them to our neighbors for $1.00 each and they declined and when I dropped the price to two for a dollar, they still said no deal.  With the weather heating up, our walks have been shorter, which seems to leave more time in the day for their shenanigans.  Fudge has turned into a digging machine.  If I turn my back for one minute or try to talk to the neighbor, in a matter of minutes, all I can see sticking out of some hole is her backside. 

She is just getting started!

I am not even sure she can hear me screaming, “no digging,” because both ears are down deep inside the cavernous hole.  Truly, if some intruder tries to enter our yard via the new area John just added deer fencing to, the cops are probably going to have to throw him a rope to get him out of one of Fudge’s holes. Even the neighbor commented that she was digging close to the bottom of the deer fencing and I sensed panic in her voice because on the other side of that fence is her pristine yard.  God forbid I try and mow the yard, because if I leave her out in the yard unattended for two minutes, I am apt to come around the corner and see a yard that resembles the Badlands of South Dakota.

Part of the problem is I bought a new bird feeder, which the manufacturers should have actually called a squirrel feeder.  At times, I look out the window and I will have two or three squirrels hanging off the thing and some of their buddies stretched out in the yard waiting their turn.  The dogs have full view of this from our dining room and foyer windows and the sight of these squirrels amp them up.  If I open the door to let them out, it looks like the beginning of the Kentucky Derby when the horses fly out of the starting gate.  Too bad they haven’t figured out that all the squealing they do out the door is probably why the squirrels know they are coming.  I will have to say it is funny to watch because sometimes they go in the wrong direction and sometimes they split up to increase their odds that one of them catches a squirrel.  So far, the score is squirrels-102 and Fudge and Vern-0.  Unfortunately, once the squirrel rush is over all that adrenalin has to go somewhere and digging or hunting for chipmunks always seems to come next.

 

Between the squirrels and the chipmunks, I am not sure which is worse.  I always loved the cartoon Chip and Dale, but our yard chipmunks, not so much. 

Talking about this Chip and Dale:

I wouldn't be complaining if this is what I was talking about:

They run into our stone wall and I don’t know if they are between the stones taunting our dogs with, “na-na na-na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo,” but Fudge and Vern are obviously hearing, “stick your head between the stones,” because both of them will plaster their faces up against the stones for hours.

Either that, or they start their own demolition contest to see who can knock the most stones out and still not get a chipmunk.  Sometimes, Fudge just gets the work started and then brings in the big gun (Vern) to finish the job and he is good at his job. 

Wait until John gets home from work, Fudge and Vern!  Can you say SPCA?

Seriously, they could probably do less damage if they brought in a wrecking ball.  I think I will invest in some rubber mallets and invite the neighborhood children over to play “Whack a Mole,” only in this case, “mole” can be anything that moves fast enough to get my dog’s attention.

I just don’t remember having to be so vigilant with my children.  I don’t remember them destroying stuff or me ever thinking I was raising a couple of juvenile delinquents.  They even used coasters under their sippy cups and Vern can’t even drink his water without half of the bowl running out the side of his mouth onto my floors. Oh sure, there was that one time when our youngest was at her sitter’s and got in trouble for lighting matches, or so I thought.  It turns out a new girl to the sitter’s and our youngest had gone into the bathroom with matches or something and got caught.  Later, when I was going on and on to her about why she was never allowed to play with matches and how we had told her that time and time again and how disappointed we were in her, she looked right at me and said, “Mom, the girl had a lighter, not matches, ” like that should make all the difference in the world.  Our other daughter just had a mouth on her and my biggest problem with her was trying to keep a straight face when she said something I thought was funny, but knew as a responsible parent I should not be allowing. On more than one occasion, she said to me, “mom, it would work much better to your advantage, if when you are disciplining me you could stop laughing.”

So, am I really saying Fudge and Vern are harder than raising children?  I don’t know, but I can tell you, I never had to think about paying someone to fix a stone wall after they came in from outside.  We had green grass in those days, too, and our kids didn’t run around half the day trying to dig up rodents.  Fudge goes out every single day on a reconnaissance mission in search of enemy forces and unwelcome varmints and then gets her second-in-command, who is usually eating sticks or grass, involved.

Reporting for duty!!

Once the two of them work in tandem, all hell breaks loose. My kids usually worked against each other and were more than happy to tell on each other about something stupid like who ate the last piece of string cheese without sharing.  Divided forces are much easier to conquer! The kids did have a little problem with resource guarding, but usually if I said if I heard one more word about whatever it was they were fighting over that particular item would be going bye-bye, they were content to squabble amongst themselves. I also had a whole bunch of well used one liners and after awhile I think they just didn’t want to hear them anymore…If I cared about fair, I’d be a judge… if I wanted to hear both sides of the story, I’d sign up for jury duty….one more time and mommy is going to call Santa Claus.  Hey, whatever works, ok? This may also explain why my oldest called me yesterday to tell me my new ringtone on her phone is the Wicked Witch music from The Wizard of Oz. 

Today, when I call her and she picks up the phone laughing to my new ringtone, I plan on saying my new saying I just found on the Internet…have I told you lately you deplete me?…that will teach her to mess with her mama.  Who am I to say which is easier?  I guess like childbirth you try to just remember the good stuff.  Unfortunately for Fudge and Vern, when I look out over my yard, it is still too soon to forget.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, Where is Doris when I need her?? How many times did you mention monkeys when we were there? LOL  Why is no one up in arms about my ringtone?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Traci! Maggie sounds like our Fudge and your poor son wouldn't stand a chance walking her :)

Lori, LOL...I think you are right. John has sprayed that area, but I guess he has to do it again :) Thank you!

Nancy, Thanks to you and Skip :) Lizards...I am feeling better about the squirrels already :) Ned and Clancy sound like they are partners in crime, too. What is Gordy doing when all this is going on? LOL

Joanne, I am going to give John all of this information. I do not want foxes or mice. Yikes! I would much rather have my giant frog, but I can't find one. Thank you!

F, I know there is some up there. Yard work is a pain in the you-know-what :)

Camilla, Vern will eat grass until he is sick. He is like a cow. If I walk him in a cornfield, he tries to eat the little corn stalks. It drives me nuts. He is obsessed with grass just like Darwin :)

Thanks, Carol and Adrienne!

Bonnie, I actually want one. Joanne is right. Here he is...let me know if you see him :)

[F, Calla & Luca]

I wouldn't dream of underestimating you or Doris.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Barbara. Your yard probably looks like ours if Gracie is a digger, too.

Marnie. On second thought...I will keep our varmints :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Jane! We have one of those bird feeders, too, but for some reason I got another one :) Yes, I would prefer those Chippendale dancers :) LOL

Leslie, That settles it....squirrels are mean :) Poor Halas! Thanks, Leslie!

Bonnie, Another reason I am jealous of your move :) No squirrels....YAY!! This is going to be so much fun for you.

Joanne, I am with you...it is John's fault. He loves to feed the birds. MICE....YIKES...I may have to lower the boom on this bird thing :)

F, Yes, maybe we underestimated Stewpid....just like you do Doris and Me :)

[Bonnie and Kona]

@Joanne... a huge frog statue??? HAHAHAHA

[Adrienne]

I just love your blogs.  They always have me laughing out loud.  I love their summer cuts...makes for faster digging, LOL!!  

[Carol and Banjo]

Funny, funny, funny!  .....but, then again.....it isn't my yard....      Thanks for the chuckle Laurie!

[Camilla and Darwin]

Ha ha, this is hysterical! This makes me feel slightly better about not having a yard. :-) Darwin isn't destructive outdoors - that is to anything but himself. As soon as we go outside he obsessively starts chomping on grass and won't stop. This wouldn't normally bother me, as cows can be quite charming, however when it comes out the other end it causes quite unpleasant problems. Sigh.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I had to rush to protect you but that does not look like PI to me.