How Cold Is It??

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I haven’t felt like doing too much lately and I blame it all on the cold temperatures. Usually the cold doesn’t bother me all that much, but this year I find myself wishing that Spring would hurry up and get here.  How cold is it, you might ask, which has me racking my head for a great How cold is it? joke.  The best I can come up with is…it is so cold that the other day when I bent over, John asked me if I knew I had two long, pointy icicles hanging from my body.  Of course, if this had really happened, I would have informed him that he knew darn well those were my boobs and I would have made some retaliatory comment about men with tiny test-icicles.  It’s how we roll in this family.

 

Putting all bad jokes aside, it is cold.  The other day I went out to try and get some bird pictures.  I had high hopes to capture mind-blowing photos of two woodpeckers dining out, until my two assistants placed themselves directly under the bird feeders and then simultaneously decided to relieve themselves in the same area. 

Nobody likes to dine in a bathroom, so I gave up and went inside to get warm.  I tried it again later and this time, my two assistants decided to play WWE all around the tree that houses the bird feeders, until I decided to corral them and place them in another area of our yard away from all the bird action.  By the time I had gotten Fudge and Vern under control, I swear the temperature had dropped another 20 degrees and my fingers were too numb to focus my camera.  Most of the pictures were blurry and had to be deleted and my two helpers did not seem to care that I placed the majority of the blame on them.   I know this, because when I turned to tell them I had about had it with them and I was thinking about selling them on Craigslist for $1.00 each (never offer a dog for free on Craigslist), they were playing their own version of King of the Mountain on the hot tub.  Considering I don’t even like taking bird photos, it seemed like a whole lot of aggravation for nothing.

If it wasn’t for Vern, who is part Polar Bear, Fudge and I would be content to stay in the house and wait the winter out. I keep telling myself that he is now five and at some point is going to be content with lounging around the house, watching me do the things I want to do, but so far, we have not reached that point.  Instead, I go out every day and walk him or pay later and frankly, my feet and ankles are tired of walking on unplowed roads, snow and ice, and uneven pavements.  The other day we took them to the park after it had snowed all day the day before only to find that the road leading into the park had not been plowed yet.  So, we made our way over to a nearby church parking lot and traipsed through a field to get into the park.  The only problem was I wore ankle high boots and the snow was more like lower leg high, which meant the further we walked, the more snow I accumulated in my boots. John is always telling me to wear better boots, so I hesitated to tell him if we stayed out much longer there was a chance he was going to have to make an improvised stretcher from fallen logs and drag me out of the woods.  By the time we got home, I had taken off my boots and was running the car heater at full force to thaw out my feet.  Naturally, when we got home, I assumed John would help me into the house or at least run into the house and get me a pair of slippers for the trek from the car to the house, but I was wrong.  No, sometime after he had opened and closed the gate over the driveway, he had decided that our snow covered trash cans needed his immediate attention and stated later he did not hear me calling for help. If I am ever in the position where my life flashes before my eyes, most of what I see will probably be John’s back end as he heads in the opposite direction from where he could be the most help.  Anyway, he seemed genuinely surprised when I expressed my outrage that a pair of trash cans took precedence over my wet and cold feet and just said that I should have said something. It seemed pointless to point out that I had tried, but he was nowhere to be found.

 

This week it seems I have reached the end of my rope. My friend said she couldn’t believe it when I told her I needed a vacation from my dogs. It’s not their fault that the weather is making it hard to walk them without fear of falling on the ice, but I feel like that commercial where the dad is sick and tells his kid he is going to need a sick day.  Even Megan who just moved to an area where it hardly ever snows had a snow day this week and got to stay home from work.  When I called her to commiserate and asked her if it would be weird if a middle-aged woman went to see Fifty Shades of Grey alone, she said yes, but what was even weirder was that I thought I was middle-aged.  Comments like that always bring me back to those school days when the kids would have a snow day and initially it would start off fun, but by the second day, I would be pointing my fist skyward and asking God why he hated me.  I have no problem going to a movie by myself, but I explained to Megan that I read that some woman in Mexico had been arrested for masturbating during the movie and I felt it made us lone movie goers suspect.  I also commented that the idiot woman was sitting in the 10^th row and I was going to go out on a limb and say this woman’s strongest suit was probably not discretion.  Well, I could hear Megan and Doc laughing and then Doc said, “Weren’t you just in Mexico?” and Megan added, “Doc, I told you that wasn’t my mom. She always sits in the back row.”  During the movie, she texted me and asked me if it had started yet and I typed back, “YES, OH YES, OH YES!” and that got me a LOL, You’re Weird, and Gross in response, so that made me happy.

 

The one good thing about the winter is my bed.  John bought me a mattress topper for Christmas and that combined with my heating blanket makes my bed the greatest place on earth.  Seriously, I could spend all winter there and I think Fudge feels the same. We just have that one problem that I have mentioned before…V-E-R-N….who seems to think staying warm is for sissies.

Without Vern in the picture, she and I would wait out this cold winter in bed.

Poor Fudge!

The only thing I might need is a gallon of body lotion to combat the effects this winter and our dry heat are having on my skin.  Seriously, I could hire myself out as sandpaper or be the understudy for the crocodile in some traveling production of Peter Pan.  That aside, Hayley is green with envy about our mattress topper and heating blanket and I am half afraid that I am going to wake up one night, like I used to do when she was little, and find her standing over me, telling me she had a bad dream and can she get in bed with us.  Hayley is always cold and will come upstairs some mornings looking like she just spent a night in Siberia. Even when I am running around in a T-shirt, she is still cold and I always tell her I know where she could find a warm place to stay….her own apartment…and now she can pretty much finish my thought whenever she starts to say, “I am so cold.” The other day, she commented that she wondered if Lizzie Borden’s parents had a mattress topper and a heating blanket, although it was hard to understand her, because her teeth were chattering, but I clearly made out the words selfish parents and ax.  I told John the other night I may just start sleeping naked for added assurance that no one comes into our room at night and later I heard him tell Hayley there may be a vacancy soon in our room.

 

Once again, I went off point a bit, but my real point is that it is cold and everyone here, except Vern, is so over it.  Thanks for letting me complain. It helped a little. 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Jenn. 

[jenn D]

Laurie, I always enjoy your writing. Btw I love the snow pic of Vern (the non peeing one) ;)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Ricki, LOL...they wouldn't take him at the Post Office. I will try UPS next. That cartoon made me smile. So true!!

Lonnie, Thank you! Yes, it is all true :) I read it somewhere. I will try and link it to you later. LOL

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Ronna!!

Bonnie, I would love that so much...someday :)

Cheryl, Lighten up, people...50 Shades of Romance is a great name :) I only wish both my doodles didn't want to go out in the cold. Finnegan is so great. Fires and movies sounds pretty perfect to me.

Donna, LOL...for a minute there...you had me guessing. Glad it is only your hair :)

Christine, Thank you! Vern would love to spend some time in the snow with Shelby.

Thanks, Paul and Michele!

Julie, Thank you!!

Michelle, LOL....I am glad you enjoyed the blog.

Thanks, DJ. I would love a snuggle with Chance. 

Ginny, See....I can always find somebody who has it worse than me :) LOL No one here is interested in poop. Your winter has been far worse, too. Keep warm and hope it is Spring soon.

[Ronna, Murphy & Wilson]

I haven't read one of your blogs in a long time.  Glad I popped in this morning!

[Bonnie and Kona]

Come visit me! 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Great blog and I'm right with you on the crawl into bed and sleep til spring theory.  Even my snow loving doodle goes out to do his business and heads right back to the house. Move too far away from the house and he knows he'll slide right down the hill.  Fires and movies have occupied our free time. Can't wait for your blog on 50 shades.  we had a concert last year and called it 50 Shades of Romance -- that didn't go over so well with a few people ; )

[Donna K & Quincy]

Great blog but don't despair spring in just around the corner or at least that's what I keep telling myself. BTW, I see Fifty Shades of Grey every day. I just look in the mirror and look at my roots and there they are Fifty Shades of Grey.

[Christine & Shelby]

Shelby would love to come keep Vern the polar bear Doodle company.... She loves the snow (and that just doesn't happen here in Texas). Great blog Laurie....a nod fantastic pictures.

[Paul & Michele]

Loved your story.  Your doggies sound like they keep it pretty interesting:)  Hope it warms up a little for you this week.