I Fought the Poison Ivy, and the Poison Ivy Won!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As many of you know and have been kind enough to ask about, I have poison ivy and it has not been fun.  In the past, I had no respect for the power of this plant because I have never had poison ivy before.  As a kid, I played out all day and I am sure I came in contact with this plant many times and I guess because nothing came of it, I developed a cavalier attitude and even scoffed at anyone who tried to warn me of the dangers.  Sometimes, when we would hike, my husband would point to something and say in his most apprehensive voice, “Look out, there is poison ivy,” and I would mockingly say back, “Oh, I am shaking, I am so scared.” My husband has had poison ivy from time to time and while it looked painful and annoying, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.  Even the one time it moved into his nether regions, I can remember firing off joke after joke about how it got there in the first place and poo pooing his sweating theory and telling him he was going to make some lucky gal a very happy woman after he showed me the swelling.  Well, I have learned my lesson the hard way.  No more jokes, no more comments like, “Big whoop, I have given birth,” when someone tells me their war story about poison ivy, no more screwing up my face in a holier than thou expression when anyone says fearfully that poison ivy is awful.

You would think I would learn my lesson. Every time I get too cocky, the universe has been there to teach me a lesson.  I guess all those years of saying, “I don’t get poison ivy,” in the same authoritative tone you might say, "not interested,” to one of those salespeople in the middle of the mall who try to ambush you with their miracle potion by running at you and saying, “may I ask you a question?”  put me on a poison ivy hit list. Most of the time I wish it were legal to smack them over the head with my Auntie Anne’s pretzel bag and say, “the answer is no and I don’t like questions when I am shopping,” and spritz them in the face with a salesperson repellent.  Well, it was just a matter of time before someone upstairs took notice and decided to shut me up once and for all and said, “let’s show the little know-it-all that all mere mortals can get Contact Dermatitis.”  Why else did the little voice in my head say, “weed, Laurie, weed,” the other day when my husband and I clearly made a pact when we moved into this house that I was interior and he was exterior and that poison ivy sure wasn’t indoors?  Believe me, when I tell you I hate yard work, so it had to be a higher power at work pulling my strings.

 

Sure I am a member of the Gardening group and I can recognize a dandelion from a rose, but for the most part when it comes to flowers and weeds I don’t know my Ash from a Hole in the Wall.  I have also heard the expression, “leaves of three, let it be,” but who has time to count leaves when you are vigorously pulling up stalks and stems willy-nilly trying to finish a boring job before Dr. Phil comes on.  I also know that most women can tell the difference between real roses and fake roses, because years ago a good friend of ours gave his wife fake roses for Valentine’s Day.  His theory was they were more economical and would last longer, but she was not impressed.  In his argument, he said to pretend they were real flowers, so she did, and about a week later threw them in the trash.  Their marriage didn’t last and ours has and all I can say is I never got fake flowers.  You do the math.  Anyways, I got off topic, but in the future, my new motto is “leaves of three, turn and flee.” 

 

Well, when my husband got home from his work conference and took one look at me, he either said, “you are a sight for sore eyes or you are such a sight, you give me sore eyes.”  I met him at the door with one swollen eye, oozing wounds over much of my extremities, a face as red as a beet, and scratch marks that looked like I had gone ten rounds with a cat and lost.   He was less impressed when I said, “wait until you see the rest of my body,” although to be honest, the canvas hadn’t changed, just the colors. The funny thing is, and I almost hate to bring this to anyone’s attention, my hands are poison ivy free and I did not use gardening gloves. 

 

On Monday, I knew I had to seek professional help and ended up having to see someone other than my usual health care professional.  He was efficient, rushed because he was behind schedule, and either had no sense of humor or thought I was an idiot.  By the time he got back into the room with me, I was all but making monkey sounds as I scratched away and it took him one look at me to diagnose me. 

Since we are going to the beach soon, I told him I needed fixed up quickly before I donned my bathing suit because cellulite, white legs, and blisters, would not be a good look for a middle aged woman on the beach and all he did was look at me.  I guess I should be thankful he did not say, “Honey, if your BMI is the same as your age do us all a favor and wear a cover-up.”  I think his discretion had something to do with those new Big HIPAA Laws.  I can hardly wait to jump into that salty ocean water and I am sure most of you will hear me yelling, "Leaves of three, why me?" at the first sting. Thankfully, the medicine the Doctor gave me seems to be helping and from now on, I am leaving the yard work to the experts, although I do have to mow the yard today.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, LOL....I love that....rash decisions :) I will NOT listen to your DH...thank you for the warning....LOL!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Ricki, That is exactly what I have been going through....LOL :)

F, That song was way before my time....LOL!! An STD...wow...someone needed to crank a song out :)

Thanks, Camilla!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, I am so sorry you are having such a miserable time and I really hope you feel better soon. Try an aveeno oatmeal bath it is very soothing for irritated skin. The next time you decide to pull weeds don't make any rash decisions.

@ Doris, LOL, I didn't know that poison ivy could make you look like a 6ft brunette.

 

Once upon a time when my DH was younger he and a friend went on a rather long hike, his friend being of a chunky build ended up with chafing on the inside of his thighs. When he asked DH what to put on it he suggested Deep Heat, I think you could hear the screams in the next town. Since my DH is a DK member, not that he is likely to offer advice, but if he does, DO NOT LISTEN!!!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nicky, Oh Lord...flying insects biting and attacking a face sure beats poison ivy, I think. LOL I feel like announcing, "I have poison ivy," when I walk in somewhere, just so people "don't cross the street." I still don't think I will be in a bikini even if it clears :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Doris, I went to the store and forgot the name of the stuff you recommended :( I need to write it down....LOL!

Sherri, I hope you never get it and I am glad I could help!! Thank you!

Jane and Karen, Thank you!  Always nice to hear I made you laugh :)

Linda, Thank you! I hope you stay poison ivy free forever :)

Bonnie, Thank you! I see you understand what I am talking about...sounds like you had it bad. I am going to get that Zanfel.

F, I was wondering if the Doodles are running through it, because I keep getting new spots. I mowed today and immediately came in and showered.  The sun does seem to aggravate it, too. I guess I will have to wipe down the dogs until this is over. Yikes! Thank you!!

Pat, Thank you!

F, Yes, your brother is behind in his yard work. He needs to start spraying something :)

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

One of those times when a failing memory is a blessing.

[F, Calla & Luca]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poison_Ivy_%28song%29

[F, Calla & Luca]

I know but that's what Wiki says. Don't worry we'll forget : )

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

F, are you serious??? An STD!!! I wish you hadn't told me that! I really liked that song! Oh brother:(

[Camilla and Darwin]

Yikes, what a nightmare! So glad it's going away.