I Had a Tick in my Pants!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I hate ticks and as far as I can tell, they have no real purpose in life other than to gross us out.  Last week, however, I discovered the one thing they may be useful for and that would be as an icebreaker.  Say for example I walked into a party where I didn’t know anybody and wasn’t sure how to get the conversation rolling.  Well, after what happened, I could turn to the person next to me and say, “I once had a tick in my pants and that is tick spelled T-I-C-K, not T-I-C.” 

not this kind of nervous tic

Sure, I could always lead off with a compliment, but sometimes that can come across as being phony, whereas the old “tick in my pants,” statement says, “I am not just another pretty face and I’ve got something unique and interesting to tell you.”  It does what any good icebreaker should do and draws a person into the conversation.  It is actually a good thing because when it comes to stories I have been known to overuse some of my good ones until people around me start making up their own endings and twisting my words until my story makes no sense even to me.  For years, when my girls would want something or complain about their lack of funds, I would reach back into my mind’s memory file and pull out the story about how when their dad was in college, I would sometimes get paid and we would only have $3.00 to our names until next pay day once I paid our bills.  Well, the last time I told it my oldest said, “we know…we know…you worked in the red light district and only made $3.00 because the cops made you go home because they were getting so many complaints from the Johns.”  She knows darn well I worked for an insurance company and the only John that ever complained about me was the one I married.  Plus while my stories are always met with groans and “not again,” her revised stories always seem to be far more entertaining to my audience and that just burns me up.  I think I have to retire that story, but now I have a new one.

not this kind of job

Yesterday, the dogs and I went for a walk up at the park.  If you live in the part of the country that has ticks and own two woolly mammoth Doodles, you just have to get used to them.  I hate them, but in this area it comes along with having dogs.  I use a preventative and have them vaccinated for Lyme’s disease and wish I could do the same for me.  After our walk, I wanted to download my photos to my computer and went back into the bedroom where I keep the computer. Fudge tagged along beside me and opted to take a nap on our bed.  I am pretty sure I have identified the carrier since not much gets by me and Vern was not there.

Carrier is on the left

While I was working on the computer, I kept feeling an itch on my leg, but when the itch moved I knew instantly I had a tick.  Immediately my mind and body reacted with something similar to the Kübler-Ross five stages of grief hypothesis, although I adapted it to “the five stages of knowing you might have a tick in your pants.”  1) Denial-I kept telling myself it was not a tick and to remain calm.  It was probably just a loose string hanging from my pant’s seam.  2) Anger-Why me? Why can’t my dogs just sit and watch TV? Isn’t there someone more deserving of a tick in his/her pants than me? 3) Bargaining-Dear Lord, I won’t complain about bad drivers, my mother, the fact that no one ever empties the dishwasher, John’s inability to turn off a light, my weight and exercising, the fact that no one has created a no calorie food that tastes like a chocolate bar, the price of gas, what to cook for dinner, why I have to cook for dinner, someone slow in line in front of me at the grocery store, slow moving people in general, and anything else I forgot, if when I look in my pants, there is no tick.  4) Depression-I am very sad and upset about having a tick in my pants.  What’s the point of asking someone in my family to help me and take a look?  Last time, one of them yelled, “my eyes are burning, yet I can’t look away!”  5) Acceptance-Yep, I looked, it’s a tick and I can handle it, after all, I gave birth to two children and I know that tick is just moments away from booking passage on the Carnival Triumph via our toilet.

meet the SS Carnival Toilet, all passengers are ticks

The other thing about ticks is once I pull one off of my dogs or myself, for days after, the slightest touch or feeling or movement makes me feel like I am covered in ticks.  For days later, I am just moments away from stripping naked at any time if I feel like something under my clothes is not right.  I am pretty sure if it happened in a restaurant, the owners of the restaurant would not appreciate the stampede that ensued as I stood there asking fellow diners to just take a moment on their way out to let me know if they see a tick anywhere on me. 

was it something I said??

I can just hear the taunts as they go by…”lady, join a gym!  Even a tick has standards!  Finding a tick on you would be like finding a red hot in a bowl full of red Jell-O.”   Hungry people can be mean.  I am sorry, but ticks just give me the willies and it can be disturbing to other family members when they brush up against me and I start to flail and thrash about and yell like I am on an LSD trip, “Get them off of me.  They are everywhere!” only to have one of the say, “mom, it is a poppy seed that fell off your bagel.”  Poor John tried to kiss me one night and almost had to slap me to get me to stop screaming, “I just felt a tick on my lips!” Tick season also means more vacuuming for me, because I am convinced nothing could survive in my vacuum canister for more than two minutes and I just feel like I am in control of a tick destroyer machine when I turn it on. Please do not tell me they survive in the canister for x amount of days, because I will cover my ears and start humming.  Denial has always worked well for me and I am too old to change.

 

Things are slowly getting back to normal and I really am braver than I make myself sound, but I still don’t know what purpose a tick serves or who to ask for answers.

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

I wonder how many of us started itching as we read through your blog! Count me in!

I am so sorry you had a tick in your pants. I have yet to have one. Because of my love for gardening, I have had mulch, blossoms, leaves, dirt and an assortment of yard things that fall out of my shorts when I come in and I can give Jack and Jilly a run for their money with the mulch pile I leave after a day in the yard. My family frequently says "you have landscaping in your hair again" because I'm always under the trees and bushes and I have to have them do a quick check before I go out. A tick is a whole other story and at least you have a good icebreaker! I feel the same way about slow people, OMG.

 

[Joanna, Zoe & Bender]

LOL the five stages of knowing you might have a tick in your pants!!!  

Ughhh I hate ticks...I dont think our area is known to be a high tick area but once Bender had one on his face and it was engorged and halfway inside Bens skin!!!  We pulled it out with tweezers and found two other little ones inside.  Gross gross gross gross gross!!!  We burned them with a lighter before flushing them :)

Poor Bens skin was irritated and pink for a week.

[Adrianne Matzkin]

I can relate to every single sentence! Thanks Laurie for the visual!!!

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

Way tooo funny:)  I have had NO experience with ticks and hope I NEVER DO!  The thought of one on Libby or me is just way toooo creepy!  Keep tickless Laurie:)

[Camilla and Darwin]

This was hysterical! If I knew there was a tick on me there would be only one stage - screaming!

[Colleen, Jake & Baxter]

yuck, I HATE them too and had one crawling on me just last week.  I also found one attached to Baxter for the very first time. Jake has never had them before although he has had fleas.....but that is a story(s) for another day.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Okay I won't tell you about tick survival skills in vacuums. Nor do I know if they can climb out of toilets after being flushed. The very worst thing, far worse than finding a tick on a doodle or me, is dropping a minuscule tick before you get to the toilet. Is it , heaven forbid, on the bed, on the floor. Vacuuming would never do it for me. No I have to search high and low, to find the damn thing before I can rest. I don't care what role ticks play in the ecology of things. I wish they would all go to he$@ and take mosquitoes with them.