I had to Fire my Assistant Photographer!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I have never had any interest in photography.  When my kids were younger, I was the mother at every event that never had a camera.  I just always thought I would rather live the experience than see it through the viewfinder of a camera.  When our first daughter was born I did take lots of pictures of her, but by the time the second one came along it just seemed like there were not enough hours in the day to get everything done, let alone pull out the camera and snap pictures.  At some point, I decided we at least needed one annual picture at Christmas time to showcase the girls on our annual Christmas card.  Since I had no real talent for photography, most of the setting up and staging of the photo was done by shopping until I found their perfect outfits and then bullying them on the actual day until they agreed to put on those outfits.   On picture day I ran that household like a Dictator, some used the word Tyrant, and no matter the mood of my subjects when I yelled, “smile or else,” I expected results.  I didn’t care if they were muttering, “daddy, can you find us a new mommy by next Christmas?” under their breath, as long as they were smiling.   In those days, I used to rush the film down to Wal-Mart, wait for it to be developed, and hope for the best.  Sadly, on one occasion the pictures were all terrible and I called home on a pay phone to tell John to get them back in their outfits and as he relayed the message, I could hear screams and cries for help in the background.  To this day I am not entirely sure whether it was John or the girls.

 

When I got Fudge and Vern something happened to me that no one could believe.  I started taking pictures.  I even bought a fancy camera.  On Monday, my daughter, the photographer, was off work and we agreed to go out and try to get some great pictures of the dogs.  On the ride over to the park, we had a long talk about photography and art and she informed me that I was too literal in my thinking about photos and art.  She doesn’t feel I am willing to expand my mind when it comes to art. This isn’t the first time someone in my family has accused me of not expanding my mind about one thing or another, although it would bother me more if they added most of my expansion seems to be happening in my clothes.  I got what she was saying because I do like to know what I am looking at when I see a photo or a painting.  I don’t want to interpret the artist’s meaning or try to think up something to say like, “those squiggly lines seem to represent the artist’s break from reality.” 

Frankly, if I saw the famous painting The Scream in person at some exhibit, I would probably be asked to leave because I might blurt out to the person beside me that I looked just like that when my kids used to get out their recorder to practice on when they were younger. 

It reminds me of the pictures they used to draw of me when they were first learning to draw people and I always had a big, open mouth and I never considered any of those drawings to be masterpieces.  My daughter is right.  Show me an abstract painting of a one eyed woman and I will probably tell you I saw a card up at the local Hallmark store that I didn’t understand either that had a woman with one oversized eye on her forehead that said, “that’s Cyndi with an I” and can someone tell me what that has to do with wishing someone a Happy Birthday?  So, literal Laurie it is, which brings me to the conclusion that maybe I had better just stick with photographing my dogs and working to get the best possible pictures of the things I like to see in a photo.  I have also come to the conclusion that it is literally impossible for me to photograph two dogs without an assistant to help. 

 

Because my daughter is a far better photographer than me, it is hard to have her for an assistant.  I just know while I am setting the dogs up for a pose and physically backing myself up to get both of them into the frame because I forgot I could simply adjust the lens, she is secretly thinking, “what a dumbass.”

She never actually says it, but I see the eye rolls and the shakes of her head.  I just feel like an assistant should know less than the person she is helping or at least pretend to in order to inflate the ego of the person being assisted.  Unfortunately, since I know the least of anyone in our family regarding photography, I have been unable to find the perfect helper from the applicant pool.  Sadly, the session with my daughter was cut short when one of our models ran into the lake and then rolled in leaves and we decided we did not need any more pictures showcasing a filthy dog. We also decided we get better pictures if I am her assistant and going out to lunch is more fun on her day off.

Sadly, I may be out of options, except to wing it on my own, because my other assistant and I did not fare much better last weekend.  My first mistake was taking my camera with my husband and me on our walk on a day when football was being played.  I felt rushed because someone was in a terrible hurry and kept saying he thought we were just walking the dogs and he didn’t know Olan Mills was invited. We also have different styles. On the way over in the car he tried to explain about apertures, ISO settings, and lighting, until he saw my head start to nod and he became concerned because I was driving the car.   He wants to explain everything and I just like pushing buttons and looking at the pictures and saying things like, “I just need to figure out how to get their feet (or fill in the blank) in the shot, too.”

I don’t like the expression dumb luck and he uses it a lot when I get a nice picture. 

 

Besides being rushed this weekend, I also didn’t react well to a couple of suggestions my assistant made that I felt were overstepping his bounds.  Before we even got to the location I had selected in my mind, he cautioned me to make sure I was prepared with my camera before he got the dogs posed.  Things got tense when I asked him if he thought I was an idiot and he answered differently than I had expected. 

Later when he said to make sure the lens cap was off before I took any pictures it became crystal clear to me why the first three letters in assistant happens to be a-s-s.  Finally, I decided to work with the models individually for better results and was just setting up my shot when the other model, entrusted in his care, ran by and pounced on the subject I was photographing. 

The pouncer:

The pouncee:

He stated that he was not able to get her collar on quickly enough and he was hoping this signaled an end to the session, so he could get home for the game.  I felt he left me no choice but to fire him and since he is my husband I tried to be kind when I simply stated we would no longer be working together. 

He took the news better than I expected and in fact, yelled out, “Hallelujah,” as we packed up the gear and headed for home.

P.S.  We decided to take a camera course in the Spring together. Please look for a blog soon called, “I Quit the Photography Course Because the Instructor Bugged Me.”

[Christine & Shelby]

Laurie... as always a pleasure to read your blog and I loved it! I am new to photography and right now I love the auto setting on my new Nikon DSLR camera! I've not even joined the photography group yet.... I'm scared... I know nothing :)
Your subjects.... are stunning :)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Laurie, I am in complete sympathy. I too was the mom without a camera at every one of my DD's childhood events, and that has continued into grandparenthood. The last camera I felt comfortable using was the Polaroid  Swinger I got on my 15th birthday.

I give you so much credit for buying a fancy camera, and for trying. After much research ("I asked on camera forums for something simple that would be easy for old people to use") My DD gave me a Sony point-and-shoot for my birthday 17 days ago. I haven't taken it out of the case yet.

If only we lived closer; I could be your new assistant.

[Amy, Cubbie & Ollie]

Another great blog.  DH keeps saying we should get a nice camera (the one with the real lenses) but we don't ever even use our point and shoot so what makes him think we would be any more likely to use an expensive one.  Maybe seeing your progress will encourage me to give it a shot too.  I mean, if Laurie can do it....lol

[Lynda Kamrath]

Oh yeah, I totally understand, though I couldn't say it so elegantly.  You have the daughter who is a photographer, but try living with two artists!  My son also just shakes his head, and my husband tells me that I am doing everything wrong.  But I do end up with some photographs.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Ha ha ha Laurie, my DH doesn't help and I don't ask. This may be why my pictures, at least 85% of them, don't really make the cut and the other 15% are just okay.

Hey before I found DK I thought I didn't need to take good pictures just take pictures but then I would never get my beautiful girl in the calendar.

I think your photos are lovely for the most part, but then again it's not clear in my mind 1/2 the time who took them....I will hedge my bet and say they were yours.

Oh and by the way, I am watching....today = 1

Camilla, after that statement I can tell for sure who you are, I kind of knew already though you still have the great face!

[DJ & Chance]

Love your blogs!  Who took the doodle photos did a great job.

[Camilla and Darwin]

Laurie I love this blog, and those photos are absolutely lovely! I am like you in that I don't "get" really artistic things like paintings, poems, abstract ANYTHING, even still life photography. I am more of a literal person and that's why when I take pictures, I prefer to have a subject in them that is a: alive or b: interesting. I admire those people that can go out and take pictures of a rock and make it look nice, but I struggle so much with that! Give me a muddy doodle to photograph any day. :-) I would so love to move next door to you and be your assistant, my problem is that there is nobody around me to photograph except for Darwin and he gets tired of that real quick. So I am always in desperate need for something entertaining to shoot. I think it's a match made in heaven. Although I am secretly glad that we won't be working together because I'm afraid I wouldn't live up to your high assistant standards and I'd end up on the receiving end of one of your venting blogs... he he. 

Here is some proof that I've always preferred being behind the camera, even from a young age. High five younger me, for being an absolute pain every time you had your photo taken. :-)