I Joined a Gym!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last week I decided to join a gym.  I have been procrastinating about it for a very long time and just decided it was time.  A couple of things recently made it clear to me that now was the time, and I would like to point out I had already joined by the time my bikini body had taken a beating in Jane’s new blog.   When my daughter was home we went out on the pontoon boat and she wanted to take my picture on the paddle board.  While I was standing on the board, I told her to hold on until I sucked in my stomach and as I was sucking with all my might, my husband said, “let us know when you are ready.” He is darn lucky I was not in good enough shape to paddle over to him and clobber him with my paddle.  The other thing was I tried to hang from our tree and I could not hang.  This got me thinking if I am on the cruise and happen to make the other Doodle people mad with some comment about Fudge and Vern besting their dog and they conspire to make me walk the plank, I am not going to be able to catch a rail as I am falling and hang there until help arrives. No, I would be a goner as they sat there drinking their Margaritas and high fiving each other.  I can just see my husband running around thanking the other cruisers individually and saying something like, “You are all invited to a party back in my room later.  As you know, I recently unloaded some weighty, excess baggage and I would like to celebrate,” and someone else (and my money is on caffeinated Doris) saying, “wow, did you see that ginormous splash when she went into the water?”

It is not that I want to be a stick figure, but I would like to be able to put on the same seasonal clothes year after year and not play the “surprise, I no longer fit,” game when I do.  I also wanted to get more use out of my sports bra than just stretching it into a slingshot position and pointing it at family members as I ask them if this outfit makes me look big.  I have found most people value their eyes far more than they value telling someone the truth.  So, with my daughter waiting in the car, I ran in and met with the gym employee/salesman whose job was to get me to join their gym.  I went in fully expecting a game of cat and mouse with the salesman and started out strong with my demands…”Can we weigh you?.....Only if you can lift me onto the scale….Would you like to work with a trainer?.....Do you have one that is obese and non judgmental?.....What are your goals?.....Is this the part where I take off my clothes and point them out to you?.....Hey, where are you going?....I was only kidding.  Gosh, you are really fast!”  I told my daughter later that I held my ground, but I was pretty sure I now had a trainer and was going to be trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey at my next appointment.  She just shook her head and said I really showed them who was boss.

My next two appointments were with Sam.  Well, Sam looked like a very fit drill sergeant to me and unfortunately, as I am prone to do, I stated my opinion out loud and listened as he laughed. 

So far, so good!  At first, it seemed like Sam and I were going to get along just great. I had initially asked him if he was nice to old, out of shape women and he answered back that he didn’t see any old woman.  Later, as I had time alone to think about that statement it occurred to me that he had not added that he didn’t see an out of shape woman, either.  He laughed at most of my jokes and really cracked up when I told him that after I told my daughter that Sam was going to help me get rid of all my under arm jiggles, she had asked, “Is Sam a plastic surgeon?”  Then, all of a sudden, Sam turned on me and started talking about taking measurements, weighing me, and having me hold some instrument that measured body fat.  When I told him to just put down “ A LOT” in the box next to the body fat measurement, Mr. Picky needed an actual number so he could refer to an actual chart to show me that my assessment was accurate. 

I could have pointed out that we had just wasted valuable time, but as long as we were talking I didn’t have to do anything strenuous, so I kept my mouth shut.  Over the course of the next two appointments, he also took me over to the scale, which was located right at the front of the lobby, and asked me to hop on.  As far as I was concerned, all that was missing was a TV camera, Alison Sweeney, and me wearing a sports bra and black spandex shorts with a large sign behind me announcing my weight for all to see.  He also took my measurements and I had one workout under his guidance and one mini evaluation workout. 

 Let me just say I walk my dogs every single day, rain or shine, and we do lots of other active things, so I thought because of that, some of my muscles were used to moving and I would be fine.  I thought wrong.  The day after my first work out, I had to rock like an upside down turtle to get out of bed.

I thought I was going to need some adaptive equipment to get around, and at one point yelled for a bedpan only to have my husband yell back he would send Fudge and Vern right in with a Pyrex dish and to let him know if it got there in one piece.   When my friend, Rose, called to see how I did, I asked if she would mind bringing a healthy meal up to us for dinner because I was too weak to cook and she explained she had a class about past lives to go to that night and would take a rain check.  I told her that her current friend could soon be exiting this life due to hunger and muscle pain, but to be sure and have fun at her class, and she just giggled and said again she would take a rain check.  My neighbor’s husband saw me walking like an old lady out in the yard one day and yelled over that bikinis were on sale at the mall and I should run get one and he knows darn well, I was too sore to run.  It would serve him right if I went and got one and the next time they were out on their boat, we pull up along side of them and I drop my cover up and say, “thanks for the suggestion about the bikini.”  (bite your lips, F & Doris)

Well, I am proud of myself, because I keep going back, even though I sometimes find myself playing, "which one is not like the others?" as I work out.   I admire the Olympians for their drive and determination and the only thing that sets me apart from them is their drive and determination.  I have zilch and have been known to quit Weight Watchers after the first meeting, so I have already set a record for me at the gym.  I know it sounds dumb, but I have two big dogs and they need exercise and I want to continue to be able to offer that to them.  So, I will keep going to the gym and in the immortal words of Sam to my current trainer, “she is a baby and will try to get out of doing everything,” which may be an accurate assessment, but who knows what could happen if I just show up :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, I don't like to think about it either :) LOL

[F, Calla & Luca]

Donna, Comparing myself to the person from some yesterday's ago could get me really depressed.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, Where did you get that picture of me? LOL  I think I can see a couple of areas I really need to work on :)

Leslie, LOL...I can't even walk in heels, plus I would be 6'5" :)

[Leslie and Halas]

I think she misunderstood "keep your weight in your heels." LOL!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie's trainer called, he would like for us to speak to her about her choice in workout clothing.

Here's my best advice

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Janie, The trainer hasn't taught me how to do any of the stuff Joanne referenced..LOL!!  Thank you for the encouragement!!

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

Let me correct myself! I noticed Joanne's name keep appearing in the comments, so I HAD to go back and look. SO funny Joanne. What am I missing, maybe I do need a trainer!

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

Laurie, I haven't read through the comments here and I'm sure it's very entertaining! Been so busy taking in this summer before it is gone and haven't kept up with all the posts! But I wanted to say congrats on joining the gym and good luck with the workouts! I do my thang at home and am pretty consistent with it so it works! I hope it is working out well!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Doris, Do not start trouble on that cruise and I think we are going to have to limit your coffee intake :) We are really getting excited and I just checked out the shore excursions!!

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Oh, Laurie...oh, Laurie...oh, Laurie!  How in the world did I miss this blog?? Let me start off by being nice...I have never laughed so hard in my life!!  I am home alone with the dogs and Knox and Shiner are asking, "WTD can be that funny!  I really don't know what else to say.  I think I'll save it all for the cruise, if that's OK with you...

Unlimited coffee on the boat 24/7 -- we truly are going to have a wonderful time!  At least, one of us will!!