In Honor of My Friend, Debbie, Who Died of Breast Cancer. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Three years ago, I lost a wonderful friend to Breast Cancer. She was 48 and left behind two teenage boys and her husband. This is going to be a long blog, but how do you sum up someone’s life in only a few short paragraphs?

 

After graduating from college with a degree in Chemical Engineering, my husband got his first real job in Baltimore, Maryland, at Bethlehem Steel.  He met another engineer there named Eric, who also lived in our apartment complex.  The two men had a lot in common and we were quickly introduced to his girlfriend, Debbie.  The only other person we knew in Baltimore was my sister, so from time to time we would get together with Eric and Debbie.

 

In the beginning, we helped each other move to various locations.  I think it was shortly after we moved from one apartment to another apartment right next door, without packing anything up, that Eric and Debbie wished they had better friends. We teased each other for years that they kept following us and moving closer to us and were not understanding the hints we were leaving each time we moved further away from them.  In the end, we ended up getting houses within walking distance of each other.

 

When Eric and Debbie got married I was very pregnant with our oldest daughter. After we delivered our baby girl, they came over to see her and Eric was clearly impressed when he asked,  “What else does she do?” as we all stood around and admired her. We had our second daughter, less than two years later, and she had a host of major medical problems. It was Debbie and her sister that helped us out one day watching our oldest while we had to take the youngest via ambulance to the hospital.  Debbie always made sure to call and find out how we were doing.  She really had a knack for gathering friends and making sure she stayed in contact with all of them.

 

A few years later, Debbie and Eric started having their kids and ended up with two sons.  Debbie was Jewish and we got to attend our very first Bris and I stood right up front to see what was happening, while my husband stayed in the back and held on to his man parts and winced and grimaced to offer support to their son. Years later, we got to go to our first Bar Mitzvah for the same son and again later with their second son.  I kidded her and told her I thought it might have gone better if the readings were in English, but it truly was a wonderful experience.

 

Before they had kids, Debbie would sometimes go with me to pick up my oldest at school. She was tall like me, only much thinner (which always burned me) and as we were walking together in the hall one day, the Principal stopped us to comment how two tall women happened to be friends and Debbie responded without batting an eye, “We like to travel in packs.” My daughter is 27 now and I have never forgotten that moment.  We laughed for a long time after that happened. 

 

I always invited them to the kid’s birthday parties and once when Debbie called to ask our daughter what she wanted for her birthday, our daughter told her a bra.  Now, Megan could not have been more than 4 or 5, so Debbie played along and asked her what size and Megan said she thought she was a medium.  Debbie used to try to trick our oldest when she would call the house and disguise her voice and tell her she was a saleswoman or something and Megan would always roll her eyes and say into the phone, “Hold on, Miss Debbie, I will get my mom.” Who knew we were building memories for a later time?

 

Over the years, her kids came to our annual Halloween party, we talked on the phone, and our friendship was easy because we were at the same stages in our lives and no explaining was necessary. We were both married to Engineers that worked long hours and we each liked to laugh. I wouldn’t say we were best friends, but we were old friends and sometimes that is better.

 

Then one day our life took a turn. Debbie called to tell me that she had Breast Cancer. She was the first person I knew my age that had the dreaded Cancer. Of course, I was sure it was treatable and curable and Debbie would be fine.  What we didn’t know at the time was Debbie had an aggressive form of Cancer.  She was a fighter and ended up having a breast removed and having to go through Chemo. Throughout everything, she never lost her sense of humor. Things looked good for a while and then it was back with a vengeance. I still thought if anyone could beat it, it would be Debbie.  She asked me to take her to Chemo one time and what a gift she gave me on this day. Of course, I was not looking forward to going, but I ended up thanking her for allowing me a chance to see what she went through to fight this disease.

 

I picked her up the day of Chemo and we got to the Hospital and we went right back to a private treatment room and waited. We waited a long time and from time to time she asked me to go out and see what was the hold up.  Finally, after we had been there forever, the nurse came in and I said, “At this point, I don’t care what you start dripping into that port. As far as I am concerned, it could be the antibacterial soap sitting by the sink. Let’s get this show on the road!  I need to be home by eight for the premiere of Dancing with the Stars,“ and I heard lots of laughter coming from the other side of our door in the treatment area.  Not everyone might laugh at that joke, but Debbie sure did, and it helped to break the ice.   She did tell the nurse, however, she would probably have another friend bring her next time and all three of us shared another laugh.

 

After Chemo, she had me stop at her Dentist office for another problem she was having with her gums due to the treatment.  The nurses wanted her to sign a standard form regarding the dangers of X-rays and all she said was, “I hope it doesn’t cause cancer,” or something like that and I told her I was thinking the same thing and we were in stitches.  As we were leaving the Dentist office, I said I hoped the next stop was her GYN appointment for her annual exam to top off the day and we both cracked up. Debbie and I connected through our humor and she knew I used humor to get through many hard situations and this was one of the hardest of them all.  Later, I realized that this was her way of showing her friends what it really meant to have Cancer and all that it involved. She made it so easy for us to help and after you saw what she was going through, you sure did stop and count your own blessings.

 

Finally, they had to stop Chemo and Debbie was the one who let us know through emails or calls.  She was so great about sending updates around through emails or calling to ask how you were doing even when she was fighting a losing battle.  I always said dumb things like, “Don’t give up hope….don’t stop fighting,” when I should have told her how I valued our friendship and what did she need me to do or maybe just listened and not tried to think of the right thing to say in response.

 

The day she died, I was waiting to be called back for surgery to remove a tumor in my breast. My husband took the call, but I knew before he said anything that Debbie had died. Luckily, my tumor was benign and Debbie would have been the first one to congratulate me on that victory.  I still have her phone numbers logged into my phone and for a long time I would think “I have to call Debbie” and tell her about this or that and then I would remember. You can’t ever replace an old friend.

 

Debbie was so loved by family, friends, and co-workers that her funeral was standing room only.  Most of her family, including her dad, both sons, her father-in-law, the best man at their wedding, and many more stood up and talked about her lovingly and movingly. There was probably not a dry eye in the house, because she was loved and liked by many.  Police were there to escort the large crowd to the gravesite.

 

Cancer won this round, but we can all take precautions that it does not win another one. Do your breast exams and see your doctor regularly.  Mothers teach your daughters to do these things too.  Get to know your body so you know when something is not right.  Men can get breast cancer. It does not care what sex you are, how old you are, what kind of person you are, or if you will be greatly missed if it wins another battle.  Debbie never got to see her boys go to college. She won’t get to attend their weddings, experience grandchildren, or grow old with Eric.  Debbie’s courage throughout this ordeal was amazing and she taught us that life is a gift and to use our time wisely.  Her boy’s got to see that their parents were a loving team in sickness and in health and that the smallest gestures can speak volumes. Take the time this month, and as often as you can afford to, to make a donation to any organization that works to eradicate this dreadful disease.  We must never forget all the Debbie’s that fought or are fighting so valiantly to live.  

 

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Laurie - this was so moving and brought back so many memories for me of my sil Lauren.  She lost her battle with breast cancer when she was 48 - on my husband's 50th birthday.  Debbie sounds very special - it always seems to take the best ones.  My best friend from high school was diagnosed when she was 46 - she has been one of the lucky ones.  What is with so many women getting breast cancer so young?  Laurie - you've done us all a great favor to share the story of Debbie's life - it is a wonderful reminder to be grateful for each and every day!!!! 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sally, I can't even imagine losing my husband after 5 short months of marriage. I think about my daughter who is married two short years and how devastating that would be for her. I am so sorry for your loss, but think you have a remarkable spirit and attitude. I am sure your husband knew that too. Thank you for your nice words.

[Sally]

What a beautiful post! Something I've learned about loss is that there is actually so much to be gained.

Debbie was lucky to have someone to share that humor with. And although your emails may have said one thing when you were thinking another i'm sure she heard both! I was only married 5 short months when my hubby died of cancer. He was 29. I tried to say everything i needed to say but there were plenty of things i wish i had done differently. That experience and loss has shaped me into the person i am today....Thanks for sharing your story and bringing some awareness to this community.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Karen, Thank you for such kind words.

Nancy, I am so sorry to hear about your father. My dad died at age 63 of cancer too...started in his colon and went to his lungs. He was a smoker and sometimes I wonder how long he would have lived if he had never smoked. My kids don't remember him at all and that is sad, because he was a kind and funny man. I hope your kids knew your father. He sounds like he was a wonderful man.

F, Thank you for your response to Lisa's comment and for your nice words too. I think it is amazing that you have remained friends with kids from kindergarten. In this day and age, that is very rare and you are lucky. Enjoy every minute of your visits with your long time friends and I am glad they have survived their cancers.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Sherri and BG!

Lisa, Awww....that is so sweet. I hope if you go on the cruise, I do not disappoint you!! I think we are cut from the same cloth, so to speak. Thank you very much!!!

Rose, Jane, Ronna, and Carol, Thank you!!

Nicky, I am sorry you lost your best friend, but how wonderful that you still see her daughter and now she has a baby. It is wonderful that you have that connection. Thank you!!

 

 

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, Thank you and I am glad you were lucky. We saw a lot in the four years that our daughter was in and out of hospitals, but we always felt lucky when we saw what some of the other children had to endure. It is a dreadful disease!!

Deanna, Thank you for the kind words. I am so glad your cancer was treatable and you have remained well all these years. Yay!!! Now, I must follow my own advice and get in to see my doctor too.

Ricki, Debbie did love dogs, but she would have thought I was nuts when I got a second one :) Thank you!!

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thank you, Amy and Nina.

Rose Ann, I am so glad your father is doing well. Thank you!

Kim, I will say a prayer for your grandmother. She is lucky to have you so close by. What a blessing!! Thank you!!

Bonnie, I am so sorry about your sister. Wow...55 is so young too. My dad was only 63 when he died of cancer.

Fifties and sixties seem old when you are young, but now I am here and it isn't old at all. Thank you for your nice words

Anna, I worried about you when I wrote this blog. I know you have fought your own battle and are doing well. I am so glad you are feeling better and things are going great for you!! Thank you!

 

 

[Nina, Phil, Harlow & Lacey]

Laurie, Thanks so much for sharing this story.  What a wonderful way to share her life.

[Rose Ann and Amante]

What a wonderful trbute. My father has encountered the dreaded disease and I thank God he won the battle (knock on Wood) .I am sorry you lost such a special and  treasured friend.

[Clifford, Cloud, Jake..and Kim]

Laurie, thank you for sharing this.  As my grandma goes through cancer right now my DH and I are forever grateful that we live only eight houses away and can be with her several times a day and do whatever she needs done.  I'm sure Debbie was happy to have your humor, especially on dark days - even when you weren't with her, I'm sure she could think of some crazy moments you shared and find a smile.  Your tribute is beautiful and a reminder to us all.