Life's A Beach, Part One

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

This is the week we go down to the beach for our annual vacation with John’s family.  Since his parents have died, it has become our gathering place for siblings, in-laws, out-laws, our children, nieces and nephews, and just to make us feel really old, newborns and grand children, great nieces and nephews.  We have expanded so much as a group, we finally had to break down and rent another house.  It was either that, or stagger sleeping time and bathroom breaks and reinforce the house’s support system.  Some of us call it the Hamster House because in the morning there are bodies everywhere and trying to get out the front door without stepping on someone you love can go either way.  Since most of John’s siblings are spread across the U.S.A. and our kids are everywhere, other than weddings and funerals, it is our best chance to get together.   For me this week is loads of fun, but the preparations are starting to kill me.  One of the other sister-in-laws and I have been designated the bakers of the group, which means in addition to packing all the stuff that goes into a beach vacation, I also have to bake for a large number of sweets-loving people.  Then to ensure the goodies make it to the beach, I have to protect the sweets from the sweets-loving people that reside in my house, including myself, and hope everyone listens to my “hands off” declaration. 

 

It is starting to seem like packing for a vacation is almost not worth going on the vacation.  My mom starts packing for a trip a month in advance and recently declared she is no longer traveling because she can’t do it anymore.  Of course, I chide her about how silly that sounds and then turn around and say the same things to my family.  What is that quote?  I am my mother after all, which scares me on so many levels I can’t even wrap my head around it.  The last time she came for Christmas she begged me to pack her stuff for the trip back and then spent the time it would have taken her to pack herself, to let me know all the things I did not do correctly and ended up re-doing it all.  I left the room periodically to mouth to my family that the woman was insane and could someone please shoot me, but John didn’t think a BB gun would be enough to put me out of my misery and didn’t know if he had enough BB’s, although both my kids offered to go get some more.

 

So the other day when Megan called to ask me what I was doing and I said, “I am in packing hell and I am not going on any more trips,” she started laughing and said, “ok, Virginia,” and she knows how much that bugs me.  Sometimes, I answer back, “shut up, Laurie!” which I know gives her the same shivers as when she calls me my mom’s name and also puts me back on top. We often talk about traveling with Fudge and Vern, but if I had to pack crates, dog food, leashes, and all the other dog stuff we would need, Fudge and Vern would have to run along side the car or be strapped on top like Mitt Romney’s dog.  I can’t even imagine what all that would entail and then I would have to remember to pack a tarp if it rains, different size bungee cords due to the dog’s different weight requirements, and a bumper sticker that reads, we know our dogs are on the roof, we put them there.  I can also tell you that telling an over planner and an over packer that you are able to pack the day of the trip and get it all in one carry on bag is the equivalent of telling me you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight because you have a fast metabolism. Seriously, both comments make me want to smack your forehead and poke your eyes like Moe used to do to Curly in the Three Stooges.  In other words, if you are not going to pack for me and zip my carry on luggage up and hand it to me, zip something else (Megan) or in Doris’s case, please stir your hot coffee with your tongue.

 

Luckily, it was just John and I so we did not have to worry about passengers taking up our valuable cargo room, but still with cots, bingo prizes, luggage, snacks, cookies, camera equipment, pillows, and shoes, we managed to fill up the car. Oh, and before you blame it all on me, John was over packed, too, and had a suitcase equivalent in size to mine along for the trip.  No matter that I packed him, it still counts because he let me. Next to the packing, my other least favorite part is the drive down 95 South with a cross between Marcel Marceau and Mario Andretti.  John keeps up one speed and seems oblivious to berms, semi trucks, small towns, and curves.  I admit I also yell at the GPS lady,  but he calls her stupid over and over again and then gets mad when it turns out she was right.  I did point out once that if she was stupid, but turned out to be right and he did not listen to her what did that make him, but he was too busy pointing out a stupid driver in front of him to answer me. I have to side with him on the other drivers because it seems as if no one in the entire USA or at least driving one of those extra large F-150 (and I won’t tell you what we feel the F stands for) pickup trucks knows that the left lane is a passing lane and not a lane for meandering down the highway tying up traffic.  I have a theory about men with big trucks, but I won’t bore you with the details.

 

Over the years, I have gotten good at entertaining myself in the car. I’ll say the same thing over and over until someone responds and even if it is with loud “shut up,” I feel like the guy who can crack up one of the guards at Buckingham Palace. Since Marcel Marceau does not speak, I like to play my music loudly and sing along. Nothing thrills me more than opening up the CD and finding the lyrics in the jacket, because otherwise I have to make up the words or sing, “I don’t know this part,” and that seems to get on people’s nerves.  John has about 5 CD’s in his car and probably four of them are Enya and the other one is Kenny G.  I like both artists IF I am trying to relax and mellow out, but when I get up at 3 am for a long drive, I want something that wakes me up and not puts me to sleep. For this reason, I packed some of my music, including Eminem.  I know he can be offensive to some people, but the dour mood he conveys when he sings and the repeated use of certain bad words usually matches my mood when I drive or I am a passenger and allows me to scream out certain bad words and then turn to anyone else in the car and say, “What’s your problem? I am just singing along to the music! Don’t make me rearrange your face! No, no, no, that’s not me talking.  I am just reading along to the lyrics.”

 

On our most recent trip I decided to play the Rhianna/Eminem duet repeatedly until I learned some of the lyrics.  To be fair, before I started, I did ask John if he wanted to sing one of the parts and he did not respond, so I had to do both parts and even with reading the lyrics, I soon discovered I could not rap.  Well, I could rap if you didn’t mind I was off the beat and I sounded like I was singing the second part of Row, Row, Row Your Boat, where you are purposely trying to come in late to give the tried and true song a little zip.  So, there we were driving down the highway, one man staring straight ahead, determined to make as little eye or verbal contact as possible with his bad rapping passenger and a 50 plus woman rapping her heart out and occasionally saying, “hey homie, my dogs and I want you to start calling us Gray-Z, Big V, and Snoopy Doggie.”  Fudge’s name might need a little work, but it was either that or Poop Doggie.  God knows it is a good thing I can entertain myself because I don’t think John ever responded or commented at any time during my performance.

 

Most people wouldn’t think a vacation crammed into a house with other people of all ages sounds fun, but we have a blast.  We eat, we laugh, we play games, we eat, we talk, we eat, we watch movies or TV, we eat, we play Bingo with inappropriate Bingo prizes, and then we eat some more.  Mostly, we have fun and lots of it.  It is just about over and I am already missing everybody.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

It sounds like you have a fantastic time!  Our "family beach vacation" is coming up in a few weeks, and I'm already dreading the packing.  We manage to completely fill my full size SUV and Dave's car.  We do bring the Doodles and all their "stuff" so that 's part of the problem.  I always feel like I need clothes for hot, cold, rain, sunshine...Dave just packs his pink bathing suit and calls it a day.  Glad you're back.

[Becka]

"in the morning there are bodies everywhere"--oy, Laurie, what goes on at these family gatherings?!?!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Laurie,

I never want to ride with you in a car!   At first, it was the flipping birds and now, Seriously, Eminem?  Good Grief!  Someone send this girl your iPod of Great music.   Did you know, that voilent music while played when driving, hazardous. You are more likely to experience road rage and/or an accident.  I find myself wanting to plug you into a pair of headphones, then gag you with a sock and tape across your mouth.  <--Holy Doodles, did I just say that to one of my favorite people?  I did!  I would do it to my sister though too.   If you got loose, I would blow an air horn. Yes, I would. I am getting there safely.   Have a GREAT VACATION~   B I N G O~!  

P.S. I cant wait to meet you on the Turnpike in August though.  Hell no, I am not going to take a little ride with you!

[Christine & Shelby]

Great blog Laurie.... Be warned when you make your way to Texas for a visit.... We have a lot of those f trucks... Not just 150s (those are small by TX standards). Imagine a 450!

[Jennifer,Chloe & Myla]

I LOVED the blog Laurie! Just snoopin the main page and you made me log in when I should be cleaning DARN YOU!!!

The best part is when you say "shut up Laurie" to your daughter! Made me laugh! Just remember it's never too late to be what you dream of being-so Rapper over 30 is fine, think F is a little jealous!!! I think you should be recording it on your drive so you can play it for all your fans on DK!!

If you can't be a rapper, maybe you can be the new voice for GPS! Seems like everyone in the world gets mad at the current chic! Hope you had a blast! Vern & Fudge are going t be SO thrilled to see you guys!

[Lonnie &amp; Libby Lu]

Love this blog Laurie!   Can’t think of anything better then getting the entire family together at the beach!   I can totally relate to the driving issues, especially the singing, trucks and the GPS!  My DH thinks the lady is purposely set out to get us lost.  Never mind he can’t hear her most of the time and when I remind him his hearing aids are not in, he says the darn (not the word he used) things don’t work most of the time! Go figure!   You and your family are creating memories that will last forever and there is nothing more important!

[F, Calla & Luca]

I have a few succinct comments. Anger management. John is a saint. If you are over 30 and listen to rap you are beyond help. Come home to DK we miss you.

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

I was wondering where you were!  Missed your presence here but his blog filled the void.  I am sure you will get a great big welcome home from a certain 2 doods....