Reading Romance Novels can be Hazardous to Your Mother's Health!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

I hate (not really) to keep writing blogs about my mom, but something happened recently and I can’t help myself. First of all, if you do not like inappropriate mom humor, you should stop right here and move on to another blog. I have said before my mom is 85 and has a great sense of humor.  First, I have to give you a little background. My mom loves to read and I recently recommended the Bride Quartet series to her by Nora Roberts.  My mother is a mature adult and I felt like she could handle a little dialogue involving men and women spooning repeatedly. Boy, was I wrong.  She has started asking a lot of questions and now wants to discuss certain parts of the book and I have heard the word “sex” one too many times come out of my mother’s mouth.  Frankly, I can’t understand why she is not making the connection between the loud humming noises she certainly hears on her end of the phone and her use of the word “sex”.

 

A few weeks ago, my mom had to have a test done because she gets short of breath.  Before every one starts blaming me, she has had these symptoms long before she started reading these books. After the test, the doctor wanted to put her on a new medication which can cause her blood pressure to drop, so she had to spend the night in the hospital flat on her back.  The shortness of breath, fluctuating blood pressure, and the reclined position are all classic romance novel ingredients.  The only thing missing for this to be a scene right out of one of those books is the fact that the heroine is way past menopause and wearing a hospital gown, instead of a seductive, low cut dress.  It does seem like some people could argue that maybe her recent foray into Romance Novels accelerated her breathing problems and I am sure a good lawyer could prove this case.  My sisters and I have tried to take the books away from her, but we have found her adrenaline increases when she is reading this stuff and the woman gets much stronger.  None of us want to get our fingers dislocated, if we time it all wrong, and try to wrangle the book out of her hands when she is at some part about loins heating up. The next step is we take measures to have her Library card revoked.

 

My sister was with her at the hospital and she was the one that called to tell me that mom was fine, had just been admitted for observation because of the new medicine, and would be going home the next day. My mom was very upset, not because she was having medical issues, but because she was going to miss October Fest that evening and a breakfast date with friends the next morning.  Apparently, her priorities are social commitments and then health.  She had already made the Doctor promise that if she stayed the night, she could at least get to her hair appointment the next day.

 

Once we established that she was fine, I had the wherewithal to ask what was the name of the new medicine and that is when my sister started laughing. I even think I heard my mom say in the background, “If you tell her, you are out of the will!”  My mom threatens that a lot. Well, I was ALMOST speechless when my sister broke the news to me that our blessed, sainted mother is now on Viagra for shortness of breath. WHAT? I mean, come on folks, you just can’t make this stuff up.  Don’t ask me how this medicine works, but you can see how the timing would amuse one daughter who has started to think about using her caller ID a little more efficiently. Well, of course, when my sister told me, our laughter started to feed off each other, but I did get serious long enough to tell my sister to tell mom that if she ever has an erection lasting longer than four hours she has to get herself right back to the hospital. Hey, I already warned you that the blog was inappropriate.  I could hear my mom in the background saying, “very funny,” but she didn’t sound like she meant it at all.

 

Over the years, my mom has grown accustomed to being teased.  Every single time she told me not to get a cat, or a dog, or a whatever, and if I did she would never stay at my house again, I would scream to my family so she could hear, “hop in the car, we are going to get a cat, a dog, or a whatever ASAP.” She loves to go on and on about how her future burial plot is at the Lutheran cemetery right on the corner, near the street, and extremely accessible for visitors.  I am not sure what response she was expecting, but one time I asked her if she thought I would be able to drive by very slowly and just throw the flowers out the car window and she laughed for about ten minutes. She later told me she told that story to two different bridge clubs and one of then laughed and one didn’t, and the group that didn’t laugh was a bunch of fuddy duddies.

 

In case you think kids do not learn by example, I have a daughter that says these same kinds of things to me. When she moved to Oregon, I asked her how I was going to babysit and influence my own grandchildren when she lived so far away and she responded that had been one of the pros on their list when deciding to move.  Prior to a surgery I had long ago, I had to have a kidney test done and found out one kidney has two ureters and she told all of her friends that I had two pee holes and could pee sitting down or standing up. I offered to draw her a diagram and tried to explain it to her, but she said she didn’t care, she liked her version better.  Each time she says this kind of stuff to me, I do the same thing my mom does to me. I laugh!

 

The good news is my mom was discharged from the hospital and was still able to make her hair appointment and go to Panera’s for lunch.  Trying to get her prescription filled was a whole other story.  She told me she has gotten a lot of odd looks and had to go through some serious red tape to get everything approved. During one call, she must have gotten a little worked up, because she later told me she told the Pharmacist that she really was a nice person, but she just gets excited sometimes. He was probably thinking, “then what in the heck are you taking Viagra for?” but he just said he would have to take her word for it that she was nice.  When I said that I hoped he did not need references, she called me a little stinker and laughed.

 

The bad news is she called not too long ago and said I was out of her will.  Apparently, I am to blame because, the night before, she listened to a message on her answering machine from my daughter. I guess Megan called and said she was so sorry to hear that her Grandma had to start taking medicine for her Erectile Dysfunction.  It looks like the only one left in her will is my middle sister. Hopefully, she likes Romance Novels.

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

This is, without a doubt, one of your funniest blogs ever!

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh my goodness, Laurie! What a happy thing... to wake up to one of your blogs! This had me laughing out loud!

My father was diagnosed with dementia two years ago. (Not funny? well, sometimes all you can do is laugh.) His new internist prescribed Viagra for him just because he asked for it. Obviously this doctor was completely wacky, because Dad is 88 and has dementia. Geesh. Poor Mom. What a nightmare for her as his caregiver. My daughter and daughter-in-law are therapists and threatened to report the internist for abuse. I imagine they could have gotten him in tons of trouble, but my mother did not want one more thing to deal with. Anyway, he is all calmed down now with the addition of an antipsychotic from his geriatric psychiatrist. Whew! Keeping these parents in line is quite a job!

Sorry your mom had to miss Oktoberfest. :o(  Seems they could have started her new medication on a Monday. Life is hard.

[Jennifer,Chloe & Myla]

That's the problem, she's always short of breath-she goes to the pulmonary Dr. maybe I should send him a message saying she's bringing it on herself>!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lisa, Yes, you can be my long lost sister. I am thinking there is some good blog material there :) LOL

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, I had originally had a comment in this blog about not preventing pregnancies, but changed it....LOL. I had to look up what the drug did too. Very interesting. Donna said they are using it on babies too. My mom is calling the medicine she is on every name but Viagra...LOL. I will tell her your sympathies are with her :)

Nancy, Very funny! I guess that is why there is so much red tape to get the prescription filled :)

Christine, Glad I could help!! Thank you!

Jennifer, LOL about your mother. You may be on to something. Just check her to see if she is getting short of breath :)

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

LOL Can I be your Mom's adopted daughter, I love her. OH wait then I would be a victim of your blogs, never mind!

Your growing up life must have been a hoot, no wonder you are so clever.

[Jennifer,Chloe & Myla]

Oh Laurie this is too much at 5a.m.! You have a wonderful hilarious family and I'm sure there's never a day without laughter. This was another great story and it makes me wonder-my mom has been reading like 6 books a week now I know why!!! They have 3 HUGE bookshelves in the lobby of her apartment. I hope they are not all the same type if you know what I mean!!

[Christine & Camus]

I was feeling a bit down, but after reading your blog I feel so much better.  Laughing is the best medicine.  You have a terrific mother!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

This is the funniest one yet!  Keep the mother jokes coming.  Viagra? Seriously?  What if a man reads romance novels and gets short of breath - would he need Viagra also?  Hmmmm  I think a lot of men might get short of breath in order to have their insurance pay for their Viagra!!!!

[F, Calla & Luca]

LOL. Poor Mom. Not only the abuse of her family but now the pharmacist too. I say read Romance novels and eat bonbons to cope with all this. Maybe her BP was up because of the sexual repression enforced by a certain daughter. Remeber Dr. Ruth. She thought we should encourage folks like your mom to become more educated on certain topics. Remember this before you start humming : ) You did get me reading on the uses of Viagar, learn somehting every day I say Remind your mother "Sildenafil does not prevent pregnancy or the spread of sexually transmitted diseases such as human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). And Karen, I loved the loins comment.