Snakes on a Driveway! (Don't worry-No Pictures)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

My title is supposed to be a takeoff of the movie, Snakes on a Planes, but in our case it was just one snake and it all happened at ground level.  Of course, if this whole thing were to be made into a Lifetime movie, since my kids told me Allison Janney’s character in Juno was me to a tee, I think I would want her to play my part.  The snake can be played by the real snake seen in our driveway and hopefully lured to Hollywood with the promise of more parts in scary movies and a cameo in Snakes on a Plane, The Sequel.  Here’s what happened.  When we were on vacation (this would have to be changed for the movie) my dog sitter told me that on one of the days she came by to pick up the dogs, as they played outside, she happened to look down and saw a large, black snake RIGHT NEXT TO MY VAN!  I couldn’t wait to tell John and then she told me that John and Hayley already knew about the snake. WTD!! When I called John at work, he stated that HE FORGOT TO TELL ME.  How would he like it if I forgot to tell him that I cleaned out the bank account and just purchased three tickets to Ireland for Laurie, Fudge, and Vern?  How would he like it if I forgot to tell him my mother was moving in with us and he had many fun filled nights ahead of him with her yelling, “John, I did something to the TV again and it isn’t working?”

Or what if I forgot to mention that the thought of a snake in our driveway makes me never want to cook again?  OK, that one was overkill, but I really want to never cook again.  He knows my propensity to scream out at the slightest movement seen with my peripheral vision or an unexpected touch late in the night. He also knows that I scream now and ask questions later and I should have been warned so I can remain on high alert and at the top of my game.  

 

Years ago, we were at the Toledo Zoo and in the reptile house. 

Don’t ask me why I agreed to go look because it makes me a nervous wreck.  Maybe we weren’t married yet and I was still in the “I want to like what you like,” stupid phase of our relationship.  I have since graduated to the “let’s not pretend anymore,” phase and it seems to suit me better. Anyway, we were walking along looking at reptiles and all of a sudden I felt something on the back of my leg.  I just knew one of the snakes had escaped and was slithering up the back of my leg and I screamed, “SNAKE,” and swung my purse around like I was winding up for a discus throw.  Imagine my surprise when my purse hit John and I realized he was the one who had touched the back of my leg FOR A JOKE.  Well, nothing livens up a snake house like a woman screaming and hitting people and a man who just realized this might not have been the smartest thing he had ever done and from the look on my face, it might be something not soon forgotten. I really have to say that snakes may be the number one thing on my hate list and I can’t even wear fake snakeskin shoes for fear in a momentary lapse of memory I will look down and break a leg trying to run away from my own feet.

As the dog sitter went on to explain the circumstances under which she had seen the snake in the driveway, it seemed that Fudge and Vern had been playing, just seconds before, right where he was on the driveway.  Luckily, they did not notice him or I am sure, Fudge would have been very interested and introduced herself.  When the sitter went to her car to get her camera and came back to the snake, it was gone….that quickly, in the blink of an eye. Two things concern me about this scenario, 1) The dog sitter went to the car to get a camera instead of a weapon of snake destruction and 2) THERE WAS A SNAKE IN MY DRIVEWAY!  Fudge and Vern were “this close” to danger and now that darn snake could be anywhere.  Oh, and please don’t tell me that snake is more afraid of me than I am of it, because I have never once heard a snake scream, “WOMAN,” when our paths have crossed.  It may be because I can’t hear anything over my own screams, but on a fear meter I am sure I set the thing to smoking long before the snake. It also gives me no comfort to have someone say that snakes are good for the environment and not to bother them and it is better to coexist with them.  I don’t care and I am sure Eve wished Adam had not used that argument with her and then the whole apple debacle could have been avoided.

I was almost recovered from Fudge coming out of the bushes with snakeskin in her mouth and John telling me some snakes go up into the trees and now I had one right in front of my car.  The tree business has me mowing the yard ducking and weaving under our trees and bushes and by the time I finish mowing the yard, I am exhausted from all the ups and downs.   John is lucky I am not mowing over his beloved hostas and flowers since I am looking upward instead of where I am supposed to be going. One of these days he is going to come home and find the mower and me in the fish pond.  My biggest fear is that Fudge or Vern will find a snake in the yard and pick it up and whether or not my strong love for them can win out over my extreme fear of snakes. I have my doubts and I would sure hate having to tell my family and friends that last time I saw Fudge and Vern they had a snake wrapped around them and all I did was scream and yell, “LAST ONE TO THE HOUSE IS A ROTTEN EGG!”  I asked John to get us a shotgun, but he said he doesn’t want to come home from work and find me holding some of those missionary people, who come up our driveway with their fancy pamphlets, at gunpoint and screaming, “when I say I am not interested, I am not kidding!” 

The other night I grilled John for the hundredth time to make sure I am in no danger of a snake finding its way into my car.  Sometimes, John has a tendency to say what I want to hear in order for the conversation to be over quicker, but he did tell me to close my duct at night and then he hugged me.  Since I don’t even know where my duct is located, I hugged him back, but I did add, “If that is a snake, my duct is closed!”  It is going to take a couple of weeks for me to feel less jumpy around the house. I find I am overreacting to the slightest movement and getting to my van from our house takes a long time.  All this tension and constant state of alertness has me on edge and is making me tired and when I hit my bed at night, I just want to sleep and forget about snakes. Someone did not read the memo and sidled up to me last night and I screamed, “garter snake!” He yelled back, “more like a boa constrictor,” which made me laugh and then I added, “either way, now all I can think about are snakes.”  He should have learned his lesson back at the Toledo Zoo.

P.S. Now for the squeamish......DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNLESS YOU ARE VERY BRAVE!

I KNEW YOU HAD TO LOOK :)

[Bonnie and Kona]

"I scream now and ask question later." My favorite line... from one screamer to another... OBVIOUSLY! This blog was so well done. Clearly anyone with a brain is afraid of snakes. UGH! Good grief, Tina's blogs gave me nightmares! What crazy doodle-love there is to accept that situation. Continue to be on-guard my friend. Be afraid. Be very afraid!  

[Pat and Traveler]

Still laughing, Laurie!  The visuals in this blog are just hilarious.  I can see you making slow progress from the van to house, in the snake house, mowing the yard....LOL 

I'm not particularly afraid of snakes, but sure don't like to be startled by them!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thank you, Leslie!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Karen, I remember well those blogs of Tina's. Sadly, I would have to rehome Clover and Apollo :) I can't even imagine. John would come home and find me under the bed with the dogs running around outside. Thank you for appreciating my humor :) Don't worry about pictures with me. I would not stick around long enough to get any. Wow...I wrote a perfect sentence. I am excited and you like all my innuendos and such...LOL. Now, about that bird. The nerve.....but, if I thought it meant I might get rich I think I would plant myself under a couple of my trees out in the yard :) Good luck and I hope you strike it rich!

Donna, I really think I am moving in with you! John likes snakes and had them when he was young. Thankfully, he wanted a happy wife more. I remember that poor mouse story. I don't like mice, but I was still on his side :)

Linda, Thank you! I am glad I made you laugh :)

Gail, We have one of those signs on our biking trail. Needless to say, I never go in that direction...EVER!

[Leslie and Halas]

I'm with you. I don't think I could even wear the shoes! Hilarious blog!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Oh, and Laurie, I'd keep Fudge and Vern away from Tina's Clover and Apollo, if I were you: 

http://www.doodlekisses.com/forum/topics/doodlescreampanic-attack

The one below does have pictures:

http://www.doodlekisses.com/forum/topics/photo-shoot-followup

[Gail and Bailey]

Laurie...check this out and keep it in mind if you drive to Florida.....a sign from a rest stop in Florida...needless to say we moved on and poor Bailey had to wait until the next stop.  

[Linda, Webber and Seda]

I agree with Karen, that this may be your funniest blog yet! That line about the shoes and running away from your own feet was priceless!! Thanks for the laugh out loud. Laughing is good. I like snakes but I worry about the dogs and the poisonous snakes..

[Donna K & Quincy]

I saw the movie and let me tell you your blog is so much better.  Snakes, just one of the many creatures we don't have in Newfoundland, we also don't have skunks, possums or alligators. :>) DH did have a pet corn snake when we were young and foolish, but after the mouse that he was supposed to be feeding the snake ran up the leg of his pants instead, it suddenly wasn't such a good idea after all. We sold the snake back to the pet store. I did handle the snake but we never became friends. :>)

@Karen, I hope the Russian lady was right and it wasn't really just a sh***y day. Sorry, but I laughed a little too. This happened to a friend of ours while we were attending a wedding. A big old gull dumped on him, he does seem to have done well in life since then. :>)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Okay, this might be your funniest blog ever, and I am so glad that I finally screwed up my courage to read it. Yes, I know you said up front that there were no pictures, but you may have noticed that trust is not my strong suit, lol.

"I really have to say that snakes may be the number one thing on my hate list and I can’t even wear fake snakeskin shoes for fear in a momentary lapse of memory I will look down and break a leg trying to run away from my own feet."
I have to say that this is one of the most perfect sentences that I have ever read, and I was an English Lit major at Northwestern. It exactly captures exactly the way I feel about snakes while managing to be humorous about a topic which I find more suited to the horror genre than to comedy. 

And I'm sure the Freudians among us appreciate the sexual references as well. Not to mention the dirty-minded among us.

One last thing. This morning as I was walking JD, I passed under a tree, and a bird pooped on my head. Go ahead and laugh, my DD and GS nearly split their sides and they are my blood relatives, although the lovely Russian lady who gave me a manicure this afternoon told me that it's a lucky sign and means I'm going to come into money. While I'm pretty sure that even if I could sue the bird for damages, his pockets aren't deep enough to make it worth my while, I'd still rather have to watch out for bird dreck falling from the trees than big black snakes. So thanks for making me feel better about that, too.