The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly from my Week Apart from Fudge and Vern!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last week I had to babysit my grandson and leave the dogs at home.  It has come to pass that I have to try and conceal my suitcases and packing from Fudge in the hopes that I can accomplish things faster. From the time she sees the suitcases until the time I leave, I have to contend with her stares whenever I look up and her constant shadowing of me around every corner.  She gets clingier to me at night and I feel so guilty about the worry I see on her face. Vern is less in touch with my comings and goings, but he is very in tune to Fudge’s moods and seems convinced that if he stays with her, he won’t miss out on anything.  What all this means is that while I pack and try and remember what I need to bring, I am running an obstacle course around two Doodles as I travel around the house.  The thing is, as I get older I need to stay on course or I forget things.  One stop to assure Fudge all is well and the odds of remembering all my toiletries is greatly reduced.  My memory is terrible and just this week while following Doc and Megan to a restaurant in my car, I forgot what color car I was following and had to call them on the cell phone. Of course, this led to much teasing and I can just hear the conversation in their car after I called them…Do you think it is safe to let her watch Archer. She seems confused? I think it’s just that she isn’t very smart and lots of dumb people have kids and it’s not like we are asking her to help with his homework. Ok, but if I catch her diapering one of the dogs and calling him Archer, she is done watching him.  Later when I went to the restroom at the restaurant Doc asked me if I thought I could find my way back to our table when I was done. As I came out of the bathroom, he was waving frantically at me and saying, “you can do it…we are right over here.”  Anyways, the day before my departure I was at my wit’s end with the dogs getting in my way and threatened to leave early and stay at a hotel along the way just for a little peace and quiet.

 

I use the dogs as an excuse, but in reality I could not wait to get down to see my little grandson.  Megan was having outpatient surgery (she is fine) and I had two people ask me where she had the procedure done and all I could answer was I didn’t know.   I just remember yelling, “hand over that kid,” as they were walking out the door to wherever she had the surgery done. I have to be very careful around my kids, because I have caught myself saying to Archer, “you are the best thing that's ever happened to me,” and then looked up to see one or two daughters staring at me.  I learned that lesson the hard way when I used to say it to Fudge and Vern.  Sure, I always try and backtrack and say something like, “I meant, of course, after the birth of my own beautiful daughters,” but the last time I said it, Megan said, “mom, it would be far more believable if you weren’t winking at Archer.” Meanwhile, I am hoping Archer grows up with a little more reverence to grandma than his mom and aunt and I have always considered it a blessing that Fudge and Vern don’t talk.  Just once it would be nice to hear someone say, “grandma, I think you are pretty,” instead of “dad, have you ever wondered why mom’s feet are so big and she is so tall?” while I am being looked up and down by Megan during the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer.  I shouldn’t have to keep saying, “I swear I have always been a woman!” to my daughter AND HUSBAND while they look on doubled over in laughter.

Doesn't everyone wear clown shoes?

Sometimes I say having Fudge and Vern are like having a couple of small children, but I found out last week I could have been overstating.  I have never been as exhausted after a day with my dogs as I was after a day with Archer.  I told Megan several times there is a reason God gives you children when you are young, because at the end of the day, grandma was worn out.  Archer is a GREAT baby, but he is getting around more and seems to have the ability to find items around the house that small children are not supposed to have. I found out rather quickly that saying, “Archer, don’t make grandma get up again,” didn’t really pull much weight with him.  They also have two French Bulldogs who do pretty well with Archer and I wanted to keep it that way on Grandma’s watch.  Megan and Doc do a great job of monitoring Archer around the dogs and vice versa.  We all worked hard at keeping him from startling either dog while sleeping and to afford them their own space.  That included him trying to poke Bonzai’s back end with his finger, in what I can only describe as an attempt to play a shape game.  I refrained from saying, “that is a circle, Archer, now move on.” Megan really should have thought harder about getting a dog with a tail before she had children.

 

My other real concern with the Frenchies is they seem to hump each other at the slightest provocation and since Archer seems to like the dog beds better than his own baby blanket and is enamored with their food and water bowls, I am hoping he doesn’t start thinking he is a Frenchie and adopt any of their strange behaviors.  I would hate for Megan and Doc to go to his first preschool meeting and have the teacher say, “Is there any reason you can think of that Archer seems to want to mount the other children?” That would not be good and if he combines that activity with the Frenchie’s tendencies to pass gas constantly, I think I see home schooling in his future.  

 

I didn’t have much time to think of Fudge and Vern last week, although I missed them, while I ran around after Archer. I try to be a helpful guest so I get asked back and last time I organized their laundry room with a table and bins for each occupant of the house and was dismayed to see my system was not being used.  When I asked about it, I was quickly told I did not live there and to basically, put a sock from the wrong bin in it.  I cooked, baked, cleaned a bit, took out trash, and babysat while I was there and at the end of the night I tried to whisper to all that I was going to bed early because I was dead tired.  Unfortunately, Jazz has very good hearing and as soon as he suspected I was off to bed, he decided he was coming with me. Every Single. Night!  He is smaller than my dogs, but takes up twice the room in a bed and I woke up a couple of times with my head hanging off the bed and Jazz enjoying my pillow.  On the few nights I decided to play tough and ignore his pleading eyes to get him up on the bed with me, I would turn over to find him staring at me.  No matter the length of time, and I am sure it seemed longer in my head than it was, there he would be just staring at me.  Sometimes, he added little snorts to make sure I knew he was still there until I gave in and helped my tormentor up on the bed with me.  The morning I left I told him I was breaking up with him and there was nothing he could do about it and he just continued to stare at me with those stalker eyes. If this keeps up I may have to get a restraining order…yes Officer, he is small, black, built like a bowling ball, and has non-blinking beady eyes.

Being so tired had me a little loopy and when I get loopy, I seem to find myself funnier than others do.  Not one person laughed when I told them I was so tired all I could think about was taking off my bra and going to bed.  I went on to say I had gotten some new bras right before coming to North Carolina and my boobs weren’t used to being lifted and separated. When no one reacted, I added, “they get sad when they have to spend the day apart,” and all Megan said was, “ mom, please stop talking about your low hanging uni-boob and go to bed.” So, there you have it, the good, the bad, and the ugly of my week apart from Fudge and Vern.  Having young children and dogs can be done, but I am here to tell you it’s hard work and takes diligence, stamina, and training, something I had a whole lot more of in my twenties and thirties. Now all I want to do is sit back and watch someone else do all the hard work, while I spoil my grandson rotten.

 

Fudge and Vern were ecstatic upon my return home. They always make me feel like a Queen when I pull up in the driveway and open the front door.  I just don’t know how I am going to tell them these visits to Archer are going to keep happening.

Some Photos of my time away!

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

Archer is one lucky boy to have his Grandma as his personal photographer!  great blog and photos! 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, DJ. So far Fudge has not gotten into my suitcase. I am picturing Chance in yours and smiling!

Karen, Thank you for appreciating my blog :) I am trying to enjoy every minute of it...so far it has been great, but we haven't hit any of those iffy years yet. LOL

Kathy, Love you too :) I am smiling thinking of you laughing all by yourself! Would Deanna chime in that she thinks you are normal?  LOL

[DJ & Chance]

He is just adorable, Laurie--no wonder you want to be there often despite the exhaustion.  I had to laugh at the image of Fudge stalking you are you get ready  to leave.  So like Chance.  Sometimes he even sits in my suitcase ad refuses to budge.

Thanks for another great blog!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Laurie, you had me laughing out loud from I think it’s just that she isn’t very smart and lots of dumb people have kids and it’s not like we are asking her to help with his homework all the way to "my boobs weren’t used to being lifted and separated ...they get sad when they have to spend the day apart”

Archer is adorable; enjoy every minute with him. How I envy you! What I wouldn't give to have my grandson back at that age again... or to have him at his current age, living several states away. :) :) :) 

 

 

[Kathy and Winnie Schuyler]

Another great blog from a MASTER!!  I love you, Laurie.  You make me feel like a normal person even while I am hysterically laughing all by myself _ Mahru can't hear, remember?????