The Saga of the Orange Bikini!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As many of you know I have a wonderful, NOT PHOTOSHOPPED, picture of me in an orange bikini.  Sure, I was struggling with some facial hair issues at the time the picture was snapped, but those have now been resolved with the correct hormone medication.

I also posted that I joined a gym and my trainer is a huge fan of burpees and those burpees are helping me maintain the shape you see in that picture.

I really do not appreciate the doubting Thomases in the group, derogatory comments posted in other languages, and remarks like, “I have seen you in person and I’m willing to swear on a Bible that you don’t look like that photo!”  The last comment came from a daughter when I showed her the photo, but I reminded her that for the sake of decorum, I almost always wear bulkier clothing when I am with her to cut down on all the gawking and ogling.  She, in turn, said if she ever saw me wearing that bikini she would be inclined to find something bulky nearby to throw over top of me.  Of course, John is no help. I have asked him to verify that is me since he has seen me naked, but all he says is something about pleading the fifth or needing a fifth before he answers. 

 

Well, a few weekends ago I went to my niece’s house to spend Friday night and bake Christmas cookies with her children.  My sister and brother-in-law and another niece met us there.  I had a bunch of pictures to show them and in the middle of them was the picture of me in my orange bikini.  Never you mind why the picture was there, but it was, and this led to more laughter and the picture ended up on the refrigerator hanging for all to see.  My great niece and nephew (ages 8 and 6) kept looking at the picture and back at me and wondering out loud if it was really me and my nephew asked why I had a mustache.  I even reenacted the pose in the outfit I was wearing and they still seemed confused.  Finally, my great niece asked me to hold out my hands and looked them over and then went back to the picture and looked at the hands and announced she could tell BY THE HANDS that it was most definitely not Aunt Laurie.  She had no idea why I kept hugging her after that announcement and thanking her for only seeing dissimilarities when it came to the hands.  Since I never came out and admitted one way or the other if it were me, she still would say from time to time, but always with a touch of doubt, that she knew it wasn’t me.

 

My nephew is six and he is the kind of kid that someday legends will be told about sitting around the dining room table.  If you tell him not to do something, you can bet your house that within a matter of minutes someone will be saying, “didn’t I just tell you not to do that?”  I imagine his teacher lies in bed each night praying for strength and I have, on more than one occasion, told his parents that I would not be surprised if during her lunch hour she goes to the teacher’s lounge and knocks back a few.  His mother was one of those kids and of course we all said to her at various times, “I hope when you grow up you have a kid just like you,” but I have noticed no one utters those words to her son.  He is my kind of kid, ornery, funny, loving, everybody is his friend, and never a dull moment, but usually after a visit, I need a long nap. Only this time I was spending the night.

He also loves me, but sadly I think I fall somewhere below Uncle John, Fudge, and Vern in his affections.  When he was younger he told his preschool teacher that his dad was not really his dad, but it was a guy named John and when pressed for more facts, went on to explain that his real dad was Uncle John.  You can only imagine the explaining my niece had to do before finding herself nominated for a future Jerry Springer show.  “No, his uncle is not his dad.   He is making that up because he really likes his uncle.” He also loves Fudge and Vern, but Vern is not too sure about him and that is one of the reasons I opted to go to his house to bake the cookies.  My nephew asked that I bring Fudge and Vern along and when I told him no, he said he no longer liked me, but I have found when I walk into a place with the makings for great cookies, frosting and sprinkles, a little sugar bribery goes a long way in making me seem more appealing.

 

So we made cookies and cut them out and my little ornery nephew turned into the Cookie Boss in the kitchen and did a fabulous job.  My niece alternated between celebrating her birthday in another area and running over to announce periodically with dramatic tears that it was her birthday and she should be doing all the cookie cutting, not her brother. Luckily, small, tired children lying on the floor are easily stepped around and I was able to continue cutting out my cookies.  Once the cookie baking was over the fun didn’t stop there. 

Everyone began jockeying for a bed to call it a night and my niece and nephew started fighting over who got to sleep with Aunt Laurie.  Up until that moment, I was under the misguided impression that I would be sleeping alone. Somehow, my daughter got a room with a bed of her own and a door that shut small children out, but I wasn’t so lucky.  Meanwhile, to keep the peace, I was smushed in between two children like a Laurie sandwich.  At one point I was trying to sleep on my back with my arms over my head, which makes it very hard to pray for morning to come quickly. 

I was so hot those kids are lucky I did not strip down to an orange bikini.  I lasted until 3 am, and then I backed out of the bed and found a vacant couch in the family room.  My adult niece thanked me in the morning, because apparently they moved into her room after I left.

 

The funny thing is before my niece went to sleep she said, “Aunt Laurie, I know that picture isn’t you.  You aren’t that skinny and that girl wasn’t old.  How old are you?”  I started to say, “why you little bit brat,” but I could tell she meant no harm and she was after all, only 8, and we all know 8 years old's think anyone over 10 is old.  I can’t really figure out the skinny remark, but I guess youngsters also sometimes say the opposite of what they mean.  When I told her I was 55, she said no one in their five’s looked like that in a bikini and I agreed, even though I read People magazine and know differently. 

If she wants to blame it on age, who am I to correct her?  Her comments got me thinking, however, that it may be time to hang up that orange bikini and go with something more age appropriate.  So, I went shopping and found several that will do the trick.  I really do think these are perfect.

 

P.S. In light of recent events, I thought this would be a nice time to post a story about the wonder and joy small children bring into this world and the funny way they have of saying the truth, even if it is just about an orange bikini.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Leslie, I am ordering one of those shirts. It says classy to me :)

F, Like Doris told me, if you want to live in a fantasy world, why not join you. Yes, I am sure it is your body :)

Connie, Thank you so much for the nice comment. I have thought about it and may just give it a try.

[Connie & Kramer]

If this was an article in Women's Day, I would buy it in a New York minute!  Seriously, have you thought of sending some of your stuff to magazines for publishing?  So funny!  Maybe Readers Digest??

[F, Calla & Luca]

Maybe Helen Mirren just has a very talented PhotoShop daughter, it could be anybody's body, maybe it's mine---hohoho.

[Leslie and Halas]

http://www.cafepress.com/mf/60651484/buck-furpees-burpees-fitness_t...

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Cheryl, Hey...why did you add the "so smart" comment?? LOL  I didn't have Helen Mirren's body in my twenties. Life can be so unfair :)

Leslie, LOL....I want to get a t-shirt that says that now....buck furpees. OMD. I love that one and I'm going to use it on my trainer. I never thought I would be doing burpees in my five's :) Of course, those bikinis are all coming on the cruise and you are right, the third one would be perfect for formal night.

[Leslie and Halas]

I think you should bring all of the bikinis on the cruise! You need regular and formal outfits, and that 3rd one looks pretty classy.

Also, buck furpees. Just kidding. I love them.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

How did I miss this!!! Well I cannot not comment on a Laurie Bikini Blog!!  I can only say that I can't believe you left Helen Mirren's face on her body :)  Your niece and nephew are adorable ... and so smart!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

PJ, Thank you so much! I remember Art Linkletter and those interviews. Those were the good old days :)

[PJ and Zach]

Laurie you are such a gifted writer. Always elicit belly laughs from me! Your niece and nephew sound wonderful! Your descriptions remind me of Art Linkletter and his 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' interviews. People in their 5’s like us would remember those. :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, I noticed my tan, too. I was hoping no one else would, but I see I can't get anything past you :) Fatish....I love that comment. LOL...yes, I remember that wrinkly photo and in the spirit of Christmas, I won't tell you what I think about that picture in an unedited comment...LOL!!