Transport Needed to Get 85 Year Old Woman Across Two States for a Neil Diamond Concert!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

Recently, CBS telecast the Kennedy Center Honors of 2011.  Among the honorees was my mom’s favorite performer, Neil Diamond.  This has caused an upheaval in my mom’s life and by default, anyone she has given birth to and that includes me.  Shortly, after the show aired, she got it in her head that as her last hurrah she was going to go see this man perform one last time.  Over the years, my mom has been to many concerts. She has seen Elvis, The Lettermen (remember them?), Toby Keith, Reba, and the list could go on and on, but none of them can hold a candle to her two favorites, Neil Diamond and Alan Jackson.  For a while there, she was following Neil Diamond around and going to so many of his shows, we were afraid she had taken up stalking as a hobby.  We all feared it was just a matter of time until we saw her on the evening news being led off the stage by two large bouncers while she screamed, “Just let me hear Cracklin’ Rosie one more time.”

 

My husband, daughter, and I have all had the displeasure of attending a Neil Diamond concert with my mom.   I can’t tell you the feeling a daughter gets when her mother leans over and yells in your ear, “oh my, he is wearing his best shirt tonight!  Hello Again, you beautiful hunk of man.”  Sensing that it was not in my best interest to ask her to clarify if she was talking about the middle aged man with the receding hairline in the white puffy shirt, now standing on the stage with a band behind him, or if there was someone hunkier she was looking at through her binoculars, I wisely kept my mouth shut.  

Over the years, I have learned my mom’s definition of hunk is different than mine and if she thinks Johnny Mathis is her kind of man, then so be it.   Who am I to tell her differently?

 

There she sat at that Neil Diamond concert swooning and humming or singing along to every song.  She likes to sing or hum the harmony, so if you are sitting beside her, no part of the actual melody or song is recognizable and you have to bite your tongue not to tell her that you didn’t pay good money to hear an incessant buzzing next to your ears. She also likes to ooh and ahh in a dreamy kind of way that makes me uncomfortable on so many levels.  Several times during that concert, I thought about telling her to dial it down a notch, but since that feeling usually coincided with her jumping out of her seat and frantically searching for something to throw on stage, I knew it was a lost cause.  All I could pray for, by this time, was that it was not an article of clothing, especially anything with a Hanes or Fruit of the Loom label. 

Sometime during the concert, I asked my husband to switch places with me and when he said he was perfectly happy with the seat he had been assigned, we settled it like the adults we are, and played one game of  “Paper, Scissors, Rock,” and the loser moved next to my mom.  I can still see the look of victory on his face when his hands unfolded into paper, while I put a fist up to his face.

 

My mom used to go to Fanfare in Nashville almost every year to wait in long lines to get autographs from various country singers.  None of us could believe that, because growing up, we were always one step away from an embarrassing moment if she had to wait in a line.  I don’t know if we ever actually got an ice cream cone when we were little, because she would see three people ahead of us in line and start complaining, “What in the world is taking those idiots so long to order? I don’t have time for this!“  I don’t know how many times we had to stop her from dragging us out of the store by telling her those idiots were dad and my sisters.  So, imagine our surprise when she was willing to wait ALL DAY in line to get Alan Jackson’s autograph and picture.  She still talks about “those Fanfare days” waiting in line with all those other nuts fanatics, while at the same time complaining that if the waitress doesn’t bring that coffee pot around in the next one minute, she is going to stand up and yell, “Yoo Hoo!” loud enough to be heard in the next county.

 

My sisters and I all thought these days were behind us, until she called recently to tell me she is determined to see Neil Diamond one more time. She caught me a little off guard and I didn’t mean to blurt out, “I already have plans for that day, but I am sure one of your other daughters would love to take you.” When she told me she hadn’t even told me the date yet, I realized in my panic, I had jumped the gun a little and played my ace card.  Now, before you think I threw one of my sisters under the concert bus, so to speak, I just think there are things you only need to experience once in a lifetime and for me, that includes a Neil Diamond concert with my mom.

Plus, my middle sister loves concerts and loves to talk about how being the middle sister was the hardest position in the family, so this will give her more time to delve into it with our mother. Luckily, my mom had already concluded that this sister was the one she would force invite to take her, and once again the oldest and youngest sisters got off scot-free and the middle sister now has more ammunition for her theories in the future. A win-win all the way around, in my opinion.

Next, began the arduous task of trying to find the venue that would be the most accessible for an 85-year-old woman. Originally, she wanted to go to the Verizon Center in downtown DC and got mad when we told her by the time she got from the metro into the arena, Neil would be singing his encore song.  We all tried explaining that you have to walk out of the metro, up a long flight of stairs, out into the city and around the block.  I also reminded her that the last time I took her to the mall, I was concerned I was going to have to find a maintenance man with a hand cart to get her from Macys to Kohl’s before the stores closed and we had started when the stores opened. 

She did not take that news well and alternated between implying my sisters and I were involved in some sort of conspiracy to keep her from going and moaning that this was her last chance at happiness before she died.  Eventually, we were able to rule out Chicago, Washington DC, and Detroit and she decided Cleveland would be her best bet and all she would need was a ride to and from to make her life complete.

 

We looked into planes, trains, taxis, and buses, and we thought about posting an ad on Craigslist, “Grandmother needs ride to Neil Diamond concert. She will provide gas money and conversation about county music, fiber, and romance novels, so bring earplugs. No crazies need apply. One in the car is enough.” 

She thought about asking one of my nephews to take a day off work and take her the four-hour car ride each way.  I wondered if I could put in for a Doodle transport and get her in a crate and cover her with a blanket and hope the rescuer did not take a closer look until Cleveland, and then have her say, “Oh, Doodle as in dog.  I thought you meant people who liked to doodle on paper.”  Finally, I threw another relative under the concert bus and told my mom to ask one of my nieces to take her and pay for her concert ticket. Problem solved, but we think this is just the beginning of more to come.

 

In the beginning, as you remember, my mom said she would be able to die happy if she could just see Neil Diamond one more time, but now she has added an addendum to that statement and said she will only be able to die happy if she gets her picture taken with him on stage.  What next?  Next, she is going to tell us she will only die happy if he sings You Don’t Bring Me Flowers with her at her next Bridge Club or he partners up with her for a game of Wii Bowling at the next senior tournament. This could get out of hand rather quickly and the wily woman is using her age as leverage against all of us with these crazy demands.  On top of that, she has started exercising every day and we fear she is plotting to charge the stage at full speed and hurdle over the bodyguards with her new white Keds on, in her quest for that photo op.

To date, she is now walking ½ mile in 30 minutes, which isn’t exactly going to get her any medals in the Senior Olympics, but we figure if she starts her rush to the stage during the opening act and doesn’t stop to catch her breath or go to the bathroom, she might actually succeed in getting her picture taken with Neil Diamond. My sisters and I might even make her a sign to carry that says, “ Neil, Do you agree with my daughters that “die happy” is an oxymoron?”

 

She has also started talking about Alan Jackson again and said she did have his picture with her taken at Fanfare, but then she added, “I would die happy if I could see him one more time and give him a big hug.  Something about him just makes me what to squeeze the life out of him,” which I imagine is one of the first things they tell you NOT to say out loud at Stalker’s Anonymous.  Sensing a pattern, one of us suggested she stop going to concerts and take up dramatic acting in some sort of continuing education class.  After all, Betty White is 90 and still going strong.  Who knows if she heard us, because she was talking a mile a minute about getting down to the computer room to start looking up concert dates, and how she needed to get going. The funny thing is on a normal day, she goes on and on that she is too old for this computer stuff, but get Neil Diamond or Alan Jackson involved, and the woman turns into Bill Gates.  Somehow, when I first heard the words, “Neil Diamond,” I just knew it was opening up a whole can of worms.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

ROFL, Laurie!

Neil Diamond is not one of favorite people. This is because he was supposed to play at my High School Homecoming Dance my senior year and cancelled at the last possible moment, like the day before. I have never forgiven him.

Your mom having taken up exercise reminded me of this Ellen DeGeneres quote:

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, Sorry but there's another Neil Diamond fan here. I think he should play this song and dedicate it to your Mom.  If that doesn't have her charging the stage I don't know what will. LOL, It never quite made it to the charts but it is certainly a classic. This may date me just a little but we used to listen to it on  8 Track . :>) Rock on Laurie's Mom!  Love it, another winning blog.

 

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

I think your Mom should definitley get to that Neil Diamond concert.  A funny little story about Mr Diamond when he came to Dublin some years ago.  

He had Yahrtzeit (memorial anniversary for one of his parents) and decided he should go to shul (Synagogue).  His limo drove up to the front door of our shul and of course the woman (yes woman) on security frowned on the man who came up to the door.  She asked him his name and he said 'Neil Diamond'.  She told him she didn't know him and asked if she could see id.  Mr Diamond produced his driving license and she let him in.  My Dad wasn't in Shul that Saturday and Mr Neil Diamond sat in his seat for the whole service. he woman (who shall be nameless, hasn't lived it down to this day!)

[F, Calla & Luca]

I don't know but for a smart woman, at least I thought so--after all you married my brother-- you sometimes get it wrong. I know you like to poke fun at your feisty but lovable mom but really you should at costs keep her from going to the concert. You don't want her to die happy, you don't want her to die at all. Believe me I still miss my sometimes exasperating mom. How do you think Betty White made it to 90? By kissing real animals not replicas like Neil Diamond. Therefore, bring her to your house at once and have F and V have a love fest with her.

[Camilla and Darwin]

I was already cracking up looking at the title on the front page. Your blogs never disappoint. :-)

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

More power to your mom!  At this point in my mom's life, she's happy if we find "The Lawrence Welk Show" while cruising through the channels.  And I feel that I'm doing my daughterly duty for the day if I sit there and watch it with her!  One can take only so much accordion music!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

LIsa, LOL....luckily, my sister has to be prepared the day of the show, if it happens :) I will be miles away!

[Christine & Shelby]

LOL... this is great - love your blogs!

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Laurie, do it, you never know, but you must be prepared for her reaction if it happens - LOL

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lisa, I have actually thought about writing him to see if he would accommodate her.  She really is his biggest fan and has seen him I think 10 times in concert, watched the Jazz Singer about a 100 times, and has all his CD's. He could, at least, give her one kiss on stage :) Maybe some kind of crane to get her up on stage. Wow...another thing we have in common...our mom's taste in hunks.  LOL

Joanne, It is a deal :) Remember, I am going to Karen's this Thanksgiving. Her daughter is cooking. LOL