Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

lol! well I couldn't have done it if you hadn't 'adopted' me. Does that make me your rescue daughter? ha ha.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Yes!

[Charlotte and Bo]

I admittedly am more of a lurker than a commenter and I was going to stay out of this discussion but it does seem to me that some things did need to be said.  Joanne, you said what needed to be said.  The poster of that discussion is making his decisions without thinking about the dog he is buying but about his own perceived needs.  He wants a dog but only one that fits some idealized idea of one.  What will he do if this new dog gets sick and and the insurance he promises to buy doesn't cover the costs he says he can't afford?  It is only obvious to think that the money he is spending on this new pup could have gone toward the healthcare of the dog he gave away.  If the care is more money than he can afford then he did the right thing giving the dog to someone who can afford it, but to buy another pup doesn't make any sense, at least not to me. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I worry that the new dog will not enjoy the fireworks with him. That was a fault of the old dog's too. Maybe breeders should start testing puppies for these things, so they can fulfill the owners' expectations better.

[Charlotte and Bo]

I'm sure there are many other things that could come up that would mess with his world.  I have had dogs in the past that have needed special care for one thing or another and it always takes your time and money.  So far Bo only needs some anti-anxiety pills so no big deal there.  The point is that it is a commitment to own a pet, as you well know,  and if he couldn't keep that commitment to one dog what makes him think he can to another.  That said, I do have some sympathy for him.  He seems to be in need of positive support and not able to handle anything that he perceives to be negative.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

" It is only obvious to think that the money he is spending on this new pup could have gone toward the healthcare of the dog he gave away.  If the care is more money than he can afford then he did the right thing giving the dog to someone who can afford it, but to buy another pup doesn't make any sense, at least not to me."

This is exactly the reason so many people are upset about it. I had a foster whose owner lost everything she had- her job, her home, her marriage, everything. She had to move cross country to her sister's home, and she could not bring the dog. She left here crying so hard that I was afraid she would have a car accident. I have all the sympathy in the world for her.

This is not about what someone had to do, it's about what someone wanted to do.

[Charlotte and Bo]

This probably doesn't belong here and is off topic but my sympathy has nothing to do with his behavior with his dog, but with a feeling I get from his past posts.  Something isn't quite right......Something is missing.  For that, I have some sympathy and wish him help.  Not to say I'm always all there either:-)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

We all felt that way, also, Charlotte, or we wouldn't have gone to the lengths we did to try to help.

But I guess all this proves the old saying that you can't help someone who doesn't really want help. None of us has a magic wand.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I just thought of the old joke. "How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One if it want to change."

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

I had NO IDEA.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Jane, you responded to the discussion.  Although, you must not have read he got rid of her because he could not afford her allergies? You must not have read that he bought an Australian Labradoodle Puppy?

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Joanne - I had gone to bed with people asking where Jared was - and yes I was worried about him.  I woke up at 2:30 a.m. (thank you menopause) clicked on DK and just saw that he was back.  I did not read what he wrote or anyone wrote.  I posted my feelings at the time and went back to bed - I'll never again do that without reading through the post and the replies because the next day - it became clear that there was something horrid going on.  :(