Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

You and Adina are both a couple of smart cookies. So well balanced and full of reason. :)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

And cute, too!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

 Thank you, Clark, for your very wise words. If I had worded my posts differently, perhaps my suggestion might have been considered.  :-}  But since I am such a hater anyway....... probably not! :-}  We do not know intangibles like bonding, or not for sure, however when one has read post after post of complaints and threats one tends to deduce from one's own life experiences and infer a lack of commitment or bonding. 

[ClarkP]

I would never call you a hater Nancy!  That is just not the truth.  :-)

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

 

I still want a Denise to tell me a how I could have responded to the post.  I truly do not know how.  I did not respond.  I laid in bed and could not sleep.  Is that the correct way? No, it was NOT!  Shame on me.

.....I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical"

 

So tell me how to be an opinion with this situation and not be judgmental.  I guess I don't know how.  Must be why I never said a word to the him.  And that made me sick. 

Denise, how do I deal with this situation? How do I say it? I truly want an answer

[Adina P]

What is the goal with saying something?  Would it change anything?  Would it help the dog or person or cause a change?  If not, why do you think not saying anything was 'wrong'?  The fact that you felt sick or heartsick isn't an indication that you didn't make the right choice.  It might just be the normal response to reading something that made you upset, sad, angry, heartsick and feeling that way about what happened...rather than the fact you couldn't say something.  Because again I'm not sure what you could have said to HELP the matter one bit.  I wonder if that is the difference as I said before.  Is what I'm about to say helpful or is it only being said so the person can know I think he/she was wrong, did bad, disappointed me, etc? 

Thinking off the top of my head, mostly to challenge myself with a response, if you still WANTED to say something I suppose you could have said:
"That makes me sad."
"What you did makes me sad."

"I don't understand your decision."  or something like that?

[AndySharon BoomerShaynaMariner]

Sometimes a response is not going to help the current situation but it plants a seed somewhere and may help prevent a future problem.

 

We all find it difficult to confront someone or a tough situation. 

[ClarkP]

We all find it difficult to confront someone or a tough situation. 

Have you been on the internet before?  ;-)  I had to laugh because on the internet it's so easy.  I do it too.  Adina will come by my computer some nights and ask if I'm coming to bed and I'll reply "Don't wait up... someone on the internet is wrong."

I completely agree that the truth, presented well, can plant a seed for improved behavior later.  But presented poorly (with some falsehood mixed in), will probably cause the other party to dig in their heels and harden their position.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

"Don't wait up... someone on the internet is wrong."

Could someone please put this sentence on a wall plaque for me? Something I could hang over my desk? I'll pay you.

[Carol and Banjo]

LOL.....Karen, if you get this plaque.....puhleeeeeze take a photo of it hanging over your desk and post for us!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Will do!

Laurie, are you out there?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Karen, I am here....LOL!!