Not loving him so much.....

[Nadia]

Ok...so I will start by saying please don't judge and this may be a long post.
For many years I pushed my husband to get a dog. I never had one growing up and I thought it would be great for our first born. He refused. He had grown up with a chow mix and knew how much work they were and didn't want to deal. As the years went by I had two more children. My oldest has Tourette's and my middle son is on the autism spectrum. I brought up the dog issue again because I knew there was a benefit for my two sons being they had these disorders and I knew my daughter would just love having a dog around. I figured it was a win win situation ( the boys would have a dog to calm the anxiety and we would add an addition to the house). I should mention that Bentley is now 10 1/2 months old.
I now feel that it was the wrong thing to do. I am not in love with him. I kinda like him. I hate that I have to leave early for everything so I can take him out. He has destroyed my house and my furniture. He is constantly barking and jumping on people and cabinets. I can't even have people over because he doesn't stop barking or jumping. We have spent a lot of money on training that seemed to work in the beginning but now it's like he didn't learn a thing. Wish we could do more training but money is just to tight right now.
He seems to be more added stress than anything else. My husband is constantly telling me " I told you so". I am feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed.
I have thought of giving him to another family that may have a better grip on the situation and know how to handle him but the kids would be totally and completely heart broken!!!! They adore and love him so much!!!!
Am I abnormal for not loving him the way they do? Am I a bad person? I am almost in tears about this.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Judy, Meg & Polly Wolly Doodle]

Wow Nadia, hugs to you, things sound like they are currently very rough for you.  I am thinking you are not a bad person but a bit overwhelmed with life.  As women we are generally the caretakers for the entire house and handle things like we are superwoman, but add that one more thing on to the list and it is like someone tossed in a piece of kryptonite, we start to weaken.  This is really not a great situation for the dog and maybe he would be better with a family that can finish out his training and will calm him down into the loving and well behaved dog that he probably wants to be.  Your children will get over the loss (rough, but they always manage) and you can help by explaining that this particular dog needs more love and attention than you, as a family, are able to give him right now and a dog that is not behaving well is really not a happy or well adjusted pet.  Admitting there is a problem and addressing it is not a bad thing.  I am sure anyone here would ask you to go through a group that can help figure out the best home for your guy to go to. I wish you nothing but the best outcome for your family and doodle, what ever you decide.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Perfectly said, Judy!! I have said many times about our dog we got when our children were young. My oldest daughter wanted a dog more than anything else and I gave in. Hershey was a wonderful dog, but all the care fell to me and it was just one more thing I had to take care of and do each day and I did not have the additional things you are dealing with in your life. I feel you are overwhelmed. Bentley is still very young and without further training it will just get harder. Karen has given you the links for two reputable rescue groups and they work very hard at finding the best home for the dogs. Good luck!

[Jennifer Tramell]

I'm afraid that much of what you described - jumping, barking, destroying - is often classic puppy.  These behaviors are extremely annoying, absolutely, but I don't believe you will have a successful time changing the behavior if you view the pup as a nuisance.  These dogs are very perceptive and crave attention and approval.  This is only my opinion, but I believe that the success of training is limited by the relationship between human and dog.  Again, my opinion only, but the key to a great family dog is the relationship between the dog and the adults in the family.  If the relationship isn't committed, consistent, and positive, I just don't know if the dog will have the motivation/incentive/ability to change.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

If you do decide to rehome Bentley, the best and safest way to do that is to go through a reputable not-for-profit rescue group. There are two nationwide groups that specifically place doodles, IDOG and the DRC. There may also be some good local private rescues in your area. The worst possible thing you can do is put an ad on Craig's List or something similar. Whatever you do, make sure that his new family are experienced dog owners with vet records in their own names to prove it. 

You should also notify your breeder; many reputable breeders have a clause in their purchase contracts that stipulates that you must notify them before transferring ownership. The best breeders will want to be involved in choosing a new home for one of their puppies.

[jenn D]

As a mom of two kids with special needs/issues I just want to give you a great big hug. It is so difficult running a family with that added stress. Whatever you decide to do with your pup, you can find support here. Hugs.

[Nadia]

Thank you jenn....I really appreciate it.

[F, Calla & Luca]

You are not a bad person but you are being unfair to your puppy. He can and will get over these things but he needs more training from you and your family. He needs time to mature. You have a very full life with three kids , two of whom have their own extra needs. Only you can weigh out the pros and cons of keeping the dog while committing to training him daily and getting your kids and husband on the same page, or giving him to someone better equipped to help and love him. Karen's advice about the latter is crucial. There were days when Luca was a puppy when I thought I had made a terrible mistake. Now I have two imperfectly trained but good and wonderful companions.

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

Oh dear-this is so difficult.  I sent you a message.  

[Nadia]

Thank you for your support....I wrote you back. I hope I sent it right.

[Robin and Libby Louise]

Nadia - I don't think anyone here will judge you.  It does sound like you are overwhelmed, and justifiably so.  I'm quite sure that with the right training, Bentley will turn out just fine.  But you have to decide if it's worth the cost, and I don't mean financially.  I know how hard it is to train a puppy without children around, and without a spouse who mght be making you feel worse by saying I told you so (and I'm not criticizing your spouse....).  If you want to keep Bentley, your husband will need to be on board.  Please don't let yourself feel like you have failed - sometimes you just have more than you can handle.  I know that Libby went through an adolescent phase when she seemed to forget everything she had previously learned, but luckily she was not a destructive girl - it was more of a hyperactivity thing.  But she calmed down and has been perfect for years.  You will have to do what is best for your family - I hope that you can find a way to keep Bentley until he becomes that best friend for all of you, but it will take some time and work.  And I'm sure you love him more than you know - you're just so frustrated you can't see it.  Just know you have a place to vent here and no one will judge!

[Nadia]

Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate it.

[Donna K & Quincy]

Exercise is a wonderful tool for a misbehaving puppy. A puppy that is really well exercised is too tired to get into trouble. There are always methods to cope with this type of behaviour, but you have to be committed and willing to spend the time to make it right. You can do lots of training on your own at no cost, except time. If you want to keep your puppy and are willing to take on the challenge there are lots of people here who can point you to the right type of training to do. Check out the training group and you will see there are lots of folks who are dealing with these issues. Training can also be a wonderful bonding experience for both of you. If you can't commit to doing this, rehoming through one of the rescues that Karen gave you is the very best thing you could do. I so wish you lived nearby, I would love to be able to help out with the exercise and training. I don't think there are many of us who at some point didn't think we had made a mistake, but if you hang in there and put in the effort it is so worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide.