Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Thanks, Becka. Just as we are being told to try to put ourselves in the place of the person who starts the discussion, I think it's equally important to try to put ourselves in the place of the people who are responding.

[Becka]

As well as in the place of the dogs, who cannot speak for themselves!

[Pat and Traveler]

This is an excellent point, Karen.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Denise!~  My goodness.  Why do you feel the  need to protect others feelings?  That is a lot of burden.

The person who is offended, asks for an opinion, or does not like to hear the truth even though many responding feel it will help. Or, they put it all out there while we are on the other side of the screen gasping for breath as we read the disheartening words!Q  OMG!

Here is an old response of mine to another post similar to your complaints:

Often the poster will become offended because they are given information they do not wish to hear. The truth hurts. Many times, a direct approach, going right to the point is the best way, rather than sticking it in between many cuddly words.

True be careful and thoughtful with feelings, but the information is the most important

So just like your children, you have to be forthright. No, no name calling, but get to the Point.

 

And here is my response when this same conversation kept insinuating we can't answer if we do not agree

Sometimes we should have standard flyers similar to the physicians office:
For example: how to manage your diabetes. You and your colitis. What color should my stool be?
Yes, I am being sarcastic, but it seems this is what is being asked here- Give directions, no opinions, write it all out in a technical format.
How do we answer the poster?
-My husband rubs the dogs nose in poo
-leave your dog outside all day. Make sure you have a good chain
- please buy from this great puppymill- I saw no dead dogs in cages when I was there
- how to Dump your dog correctly, because you just don't give a damn any longer

-(addition)- I breed sick dogs and now I need to find some poor smuck who does not know any better to get them off my hands.

- I dumped my dog because they itch or have tummy issues.  But I got a new and better one!

Why bother spending your time responding to this over and over?
Because we care! Often though, a direct link to some standard form to keep our mouths shut and emotions closed might work.
Right? Or, is this a forum?
I do want to thank each person who does give of themselves and tries to answer posters. I may be an old dog around here, but I am still learning

You say you do not want to contribute often because..........

Well it is the contributors of this forum that make it the great place that it is. I would hope you would speak up.  Most days we need all the help we can get to help others. It is the SAME people over and over spending their time trying to HELP.  Please join us in helping others.  This can get exhausting but we do it for the love of dogs and humans.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

You get a Bravo, too, Joanne.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

You are amazing Joanne you have said it all here.  Come on everyone, don't leave it to the committed few to deal with whatever pops up each day.  Get more involved here, not less.

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

-(addition)- I breed sick dogs and now I need to find some poor smuck who does not know any better to get them off my hands"

Joanne - thank you for including your addition.  I realize that a good portion of this entire post is directed at me for the discussion that got very heated last week concerning this very topic.  Too bad the entire post is no longer there for anyone to go back and read - sadly it was altered by the OP - who wouldn't want his comments to show up on Google or anything.

Here is the shortened version - OP breed dogs, dogs were returned to him under his health policy - a policy that he really never meant because now HE tries to down play the severity of the dog's illness's all the while intentionally (for additional sympathy in my opinion) using the term "rescue" in an effort to get someone take them off his hands as he is too busy to care for them himself, raising a family and supplementing his income by breeding.  The fact that any person with two dogs that can make puppies can call themselves a breeder seems to be lost on so many.  I can say all day long "I"m a responsible breeder" or "I'm a super model: and that doesn't make it true.  Actions are what I'm looking at.

The OP then went on to threaten to have the puppies put down because I won - this is an adult?  A business owner?   He did that when it was revealed that I had used a public form of researching him and it turned up some questionable business practices.  He then attacked me personally and in such a mature and clever way called me an ass (the whole I'm missing the C & L out of class comment).    I don't recall Denise proclaiming her dismay at that point. 

Some times you have to take off the rose colored glasses people.  Every post that OP posted just pointed out the holes in the story.  He didn't have time for getting vet records (so how long could that take - a day?) but wanted us to believe that they had already grown out of their feeding chairs, but he was going to build them new ones, really before or after getting the vet records but wait - he'll spend time with his camera?  A fool is what he took us for and I have an igloo in Florida for sale. 

We get these people all the time (they don't usually stick around once they are outed) and I am not going to apologize for helping to show these folks for who they truly are - in this particular care -  using Doodles to line their pockets and when the going gets tough - they look for any easy and perhaps less than honest means of finding an out. 

My mother used to say "if you can't stand the heat in the kitchen then you need to get out".

[AndySharon BoomerShaynaMariner]

For anyone interested the original post or copies of it are available on Google in their "cache". 

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Andy - it IS still there - the full post.  I just googled DoodleKissses and the person's name.  I don't know about you but I wouldn't purchase a puppy from a breeder who would threaten in anger to put his own puppies down, sick or not.     

[Jill, Woody & Maxi]

Well said...excellent point Joanne!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Joanne, Very well said!!

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

A standing ovation to you, Joanne!  I appreciate being a part of, what I think is, an exceptionally supportive, knowledgeable, and honest community.  I don't know any of you personally but I'm enjoying getting to know many of you and your doodles through DK! I've learned (and am learning) so much through the different discussions here.

And I really like this site because it is a forum.  You get all sorts of perspectives.  I prefer happier threads but ...

After watching the twists and turns one of the recent posts took, "I breed sick dogs...," I didn't really want to get involved, but I make no apologies for what I said or the questions I asked, if it helps stop a "trail of tears."

"For the love of dogs and humans" -- well put and thanks, Joanne.