A mother's guilt....

[Tracey]

So this puppy that we're eagerly anticipating...this puppy was supposed to be Tucker's buddy. The pup that would help to keep Tuck young as he entered his senior years. We'd had it planned that way forever..."potty train the baby, then potty train a puppy!", that was the plan. Worked so well with the dog I had growing up: you time it just right, before the eldest is too old and grumpy to appreciate a crazy, nipping little thing, and you have a bit of a fountain of youth. I truly believe it. But Tucker isn't here...didn't even get to see his senior years. Didn't get the chance to be a crotchety old guy with a younster crawling all over him, begging him for a swim or a game of tag. And as much as I'm looking forward to this new puppy, a part of me just can't get past the sadness. He was too young...8 years was not enough. And a part of me worries about the big shoes this pup has to fill. Not that he's a replacement by any means, but boy was Tucker a good dog. A GREAT dog. Simply amazing with kids, so sweet and easy, but a big baby for sure. With all of the arthritis, he still bounded around like a pup, celebrated us home with gusto every time, and never missed a chance to climb in my lap whenever I was on the floor...all 80 lbs. of lap dog!

Tucker picked us, most definitely. I'll never forget that day we went to see he and his littermates. And when we finally brought him home, we were instantly hooked. See, it was just 2 months after we were married, so he was our first 'child'. And spoiled...WOW. Had his own webpage on our wedding-site-turned-newlywed-family-site. But then, just after he turned 2 year's old, here comes our firstborn. We were so worried that Tucker would feel left out, that he'd be jealous of the baby. Boy were we dumb. He loved our son from first sniff...if the baby was on the floor, Tucker was laying as close to him as he could without getting the stink-eye from me. 'Drive-by' licks whenever he thought he could do it without my noticing. But as he was getting more mature and didn't need so much attention and watching, baby turned to toddler and needed tons of attention and watching, and so many times I felt guilty about not doing as much with Tucker, about fending off his pleas for some petting because the little one needed me. Four years later our 2nd rugrat comes along, and, well...you know the story. Not that Tucker was a neglected dog by any means, I know that. But we certainly didn't get him to the beach as much as we promised to, and with his eventually not being able to go running with his Daddy or speed-walking with me, times that used to bond us were fewer.

We were supposed to have 4 more years together. Time for the kids to get older, need me less, giving me more time to hang with him, swim with him. When I think of him going to his final sleep in my lap, I think of the broken promises and it tears me apart. Sure, many would say, he was "just" a dog. He was well fed, had a good home, his needs weren't much. And to those I say "But he was family!". And he took care of us and stood by us...all he wanted was attention. I just hope his time with us was happy enough that he is waiting for us on the Rainbow Bridge, and that just as he chose us, he'll help the right little new pup find us, to pick up where he left off.

And this time, I'll do it better. I know now that you never know how much time you have...we can't take it for granted, which is exactly what I did. Took for granted that he'd be here 4 more years. And I'll forever be sorry for that.

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This is much longer than I'd planned on, but hopefully getting it out, journaling (is that what they call it these days?) about it, will be a bit cathartic =S. And if you've made it this far with me, please take this away with you: They just want our attention, and having a perfectly healthy pup does not guarantee you tomorrow...love them up today.

Now back to the regularly-scheduled, happy postings!!!

[Kendra K. Rhoton]

Thanks for sharing such a beautiful post!

[Michele Barton]

Oh I know how hard it is, Tucker sounds like he was really special. We were very fortunate that our golden retriever Katie lived to almost 15, but her "little brother" Artie (a yellow lab mix) only made it to 5. He died from bloat, very sudden, and I was devastated. He was robbed of so many wonderful years, especially after having endured a hip replacement and knee surgery and he was finally pain-free. That was 5 years ago and I still cry sometimes when I think about him (and I think about him a lot). Tucker will for sure be waiting for you at Rainbow Bridge!

[Tracey]

That was exactly what happened to Tuck! There was a large mass that ruptured it =(. I'm sorry about your Shasta, as well...such a shock when it happens so suddenly and unexpected like that.

[Kai Doodle (Kathy & Keith)]

I am so sorry about Tucker. My daughter & I lost our Golden, Shasta from a ruptured spleen. So unexpected, I'm sorry for you and your family.

[Cheryl Quinn]

I know how you feel. Two years ago we lost our Saint Bernard...I think all dogs are wonderful but I think every dog person has a dog that was that special one. Kava was my special dog and I still miss him dreadfully. Our doodle is adorable makes me laugh all the time---and gradually he is filling up that spot in my heart, I doubt it will ever be filled completely but he is sure trying. Kava was only 7 years, I would never get another giant breed dog, that life expectancy is just too hard to deal with.
Cheryl

[fergie11]

My heart is just breaking reading your blog - but thank you for sharing and i hoped your journaling helped. Take you time with your new pup. She/He won't replace Tucker. She'll just be a new chapter in your life. You have so much love in your heart. That new puppy will be so lucky. I'm going to give Fergie a big hug right now.

[Mercedes]

Wow!! you touched my heart and I know exactly what you are saying. When that statement is said ,"it's only a dog" I am lost for words and know that person just doesn't get it. Maybe one day, that one dog will touch that person in a special way, so that statement is never said by them again. I wish you all the best and hopefully that one dog will be at your feet and on the beach very soon!!

[Denise, Winnie, and AngelAbby]

My heart goes out to you and your family. Losing a family pet is so terribly hard, they are like "one of the kids". Almost 5 years ago we lost a family pet to cancer, and it hurt so bad that I swore I was done with dogs - I didn't want to go through that again. But here we are - almost 5 years later - with our Abby, who has touched our lives in ways our others never did. I'm hoping your new pup will help ease the pain and emptiness you feel. Like with all losses, it just takes time.

[Adrianne Matzkin]

God of all creatures, ease our grief today as we bid farewell to Tucker, whose passing leaves a gap in our family circle.  He demanded so little of us – fresh water, food, a patch of sunlight for sun-bathing, our presence – and gave so much in return – uncritical, undemanding, unlimited affection and devotion for all of us.  Greeting each day, each moment, happily on its own terms, he showed us how to live in the present rather than regret the past or worry about the future.  His easy forgiveness of our flaws, his inability to hold a grudge, gave us an example of grace.  Creator, we’re grateful for being allowed to share his life for our allotted time.  We will miss him bounding through our family life, but he will always be present in our hearts.  Amen.

The show DogTown was kind enough to send me a copy of this Pet's Memorial that they use on their show.

[Tracey]

Wow...thanks so much for all of the wonderful comments. But I'm sorry to have caused tears! Also sorry for all of your losses...they truly are family, and only someone that's had a furry child in their life understands =S. You just don't realize how woven into your life and your day-to-days they are until they're gone.... I still almost call for him whenever an ice cube flies out of the dispenser (he looooved ice cubes)!

Somehow I've felt a bit better since I wrote the post. And finally fessed up to my husband that I swear I still hear Tucker around the house at times. Good news is he didn't think I was nuts! ;)