Different Priorities

[Camilla and Darwin]

DH and I recently decided to move a couple of hours away to attend a university we both love. Honestly we were expecting happiness and congratulations from our families but that hasn't been the case. They have raised the typical questions like cost of moving, leaving current jobs, making a big change, etc. We expected all of that. What I didn't really expect was how Darwin started to come up in the protests.

My family is aware that it's been hard for us to find dog friendly housing. SLC is not very pet friendly, and finding a cheap, nice, large dogs allowed apt in a good area is near impossible. But with this move, we are heading somewhere that is even less dog friendly. And it's stressful, knowing that almost no apartments will allow Darwin. I know that we will find somewhere, it will just be kind of difficult. Still, having a dog is limiting our choices immensely and they are very worried that it will affect our education.

Certain members of my family (in-laws and immediate) feel that Darwin was a very bad choice. They feel that we should never have gotten a dog while we were still young, and in college. And they think that he is holding us back, monetarily, our living situation, our time availability, etc. I suppose that to a small degree, it's true. We have spent money and time on Darwin that we could have spent elsewhere. But that is true for any hobby, responsibility, choice, etc. And the thing is, it was our choice to make. We made it, and we aren't sorry that we did. We love Darwin. The worst thing, is that it has been suggested by more than one person that we get rid of Darwin to make it easier to finish school, or rehome him until we are done. (over a year). I am baffled that anyone who knows us would think for one second we would consider this. My reaction to the suggestion certainly cleared that up.

I guess this blog is kind of a rant, so bear with me. :-) I've been feeling really down lately, because I've started wondering if maybe it WAS selfish for us to get Darwin before we "should have". Everyone knows college students aren't the best dog owners, right? Should I have listened to that stereotype more? I have scrutinized our ownership of Darwin and I can honestly can say that we have never compromised when it comes to Darwin. I've always been proud of that. We've payed for higher quality food, vaccines, vet costs, daycare, training, spending lots of time with him, etc. Even so, maybe Darwin ISN'T getting the home he deserves, because we move so much, because he doesn't have a yard, etc. It's just so frustrating to be so proud of my accomplishments with Darwin, and to have most other people that know me think it's a waste of time and money. Where as I (and DH) view these choices with Darwin a good thing, everyone else seems to be looking down on them. Thinking that they are irresponsible, meaningless choices.

I'm not saying that I would ever consider getting rid of Darwin. That would NEVER happen. I'm not even saying that I regret getting him, because I don't. It's just hard to have something that I am 100 percent proud and happy about, be torn down by people I care about. To have family say that we never should have gotten him, and should get rid of him now... it's painful and it makes me very... sad.

I know for many of you it will be confusing that family members are so involved in our lives. Why are we discussing our move with our family in such detail? Why are they giving us advice about Darwin? It's kind of confusing for me too. All I can say is that we are still young (22) and our families are a big part of our lives right now. One thing I am hoping is that when we move further away we will start to become more of our own independent unit, and rely less on family advice and involvement.

Obviously if I said this to anyone else they would not get it. "It's just a dog" has been said to me way too many times. What is ironic about this is that if he really is "just a dog" then why do they all care so much? I'm so glad to have a group of people here that I know get it. I am so sick of having to feel guilty about being a good owner to Darwin. Why oh why are our families not dog people?

[Jennifer,Chloe & Myla]

Camilla-I don't know you personally but since I've been on here I always thought that you were WAY older than you are, You are very mature and responsible and talented. (and lucky to have big adorable Darwin) I would also tell them that he's a part of your family and that you would never rehome him and that it hurts to think that they think you could! It's costly owning pets but there's nothing better in life. I'm confident that you will find a nice new home that accepts Darwin. I tell my family too much also then wish I hadn't. You learn from your mistakes and they will see your strong will and change their thinking! You are doing the right thing, A big yard is not the answer to happiness, it's quality time. Good luck to you 3 and keep us informed!

[Camilla and Darwin]

Thank you all for your comments, I am feeling so much better now. :-) The support and similar stories have really been great...

The comments have suggested that I should really try and talk less to my family about what we are doing. I do know this, and I try to work on it. It's just your typical situation where we have always been very close with our family, and we are used to talking to them about everything. I think in a way we haven't learned to make our decisions without input from parents. DH and I are really dedicated to changing that, we realize we have to start being more independent now. I know that my family knows we love Darwin. They just don't know how much, or why, etc. I think I've never told them how much a part of the family is, because they would not understand. Hearing me say he's like our child would in my opinion, make them even more against Darwin. Because they don't think he should be. Does that make sense? I try to balance revealing what is true, and what they deem reasonable. Families are SO complicated.

[Angie, Hudson and Lily]

It is what you make of your circumstances that counts and it is obvious that you love Darwin dearly and have made sacrifices to keep him happy and healthy. Not all people in your situation should have a dog, but there are many sad and neglected dogs that have big yards to run in, and owners who pay them little or no attention even though they may have lots of time compared to your schedule. I'm sure your families care about you and probably worry that the extra stress of trying to take care of a dog is too much for your life right now. What they probably don't understand is just how deeply you love Darwin and how connected you are to each other. Don't let their comments make you feel like you aren't doing the right thing. From your posts it seems to me that Darwin is much loved, much cared for, and happy. :)

[Leslie and Halas]

You've mentioned before that your family isn't full of dog-people.  They seemed to have become a little more accepting of him over time, but they still probably don't get that he's more than just a dog.  8,000 DK members know that he's not just a dog.  And don't think for a minute that Darwin is missing out on something because he doesn't have a big yard or because you move a lot.  Darwin just wants to be with you.  He wouldn't care if you lived in the back of a van.  He gets way more love, attention, care, and exercise than a lot of dogs I know, including some dogs with big yards, and some with more "mature" owners.  You're a way better doggy-mom than lots of people I know.  I have a very small yard, so we go on lots of walks.  When we go to my mom's house to play, her yard is gigantic by comparison.  Halas loves running around in it, but he's always looking to make sure one of us is outside or at least watching from the door.  So the big yard is nice, but it's only fun if we're with him.  Doodles love their people.  And you should be 100% proud of Darwin and everything you've accomplished with him and with everything else in your life.

[Traci -Bexter & Maggie]

I totally feel for you.  My family is the SAME EXACT way.  They don't understand why (well, some don't) I got Bexter.  They always say that I already have so much on my plate - teaching career, husband, I'm training for a marathon, I have 2 boys (ages 10 & 6).....Yes - I agree, that I do have a lot on my plate, but I CHOSE to have Bexter in my life - and he will bless me so much more than the work will burden me.  Just think - I am 39 years old and our parents are still giving us unsolicited advice - and will until the day either they or I die.  That's just the way it is.  I do agree to maybe talk to them less about decisions because I am JUST NOW learning this...If you talk to them about decisions, it makes them feel like you are asking their advice.  I finally realized that & now talk with either friends or you all on DK.  Be happy you have Darwin & he DOES have the right home for him.  He is loved and well cared for & that is all that matters to him.  You are a great pet parent!

[Lindsey]

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.
DH and I got married young (21) and I went straight out and got a dog. Both of our families gave me grief. I was in school, DH was in the Army....we moved too much, we didn't have enough money...etc. etc.
I ended up rehoming my beloved dog when my own family told me my dog was not welcome at their house...and we really couldn't afford the boarding fees. I cried and cried when we placed our dog in another home. I was hurt and frustrated.
A few short years later, I told my DH I didn't care what ANYONE said, I wanted/needed another dog. I was willing to do whatever it took to get one. I ended up with my little man, Ali. My family still gave us grief...but at this point, I didn't care, "you won't let me visit you with my dog?...okay, fine. Don't know when we'll get the chance to see you again. Love you". Eventually they all caved and we were allowed to take our dog when we visited. It ended up that my family got VERY attached to my little man, my mother now BEGS me to keep him! My cousin ended up watching him for 6 months while we went back over seas for DH last stint in the Army. She loved him so much, she ended up getting one.
When we decided to get our doodle...we were given a lot of grief again. We were in a rental, DH is now in School and I'm working full time and we weren't certain where our future is going to lead us...I didn't let it hold me back. I love my dogs, they complete me :-) they are my babies...we don't want real babies just yet...and I think we're pretty responsible not rushing into having kids...but our family still gives us a little bit of grief over our doodle decision.
It's sooo hard when your family, who you love and trust and NEED in your life, don't agree with your decisions. However, hang in there...continue to follow your heart in everything you do and you won't likely have many regrets :-) If you need an ear, you can message me anytime! Good luck with the move!!!!

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

My sister got her chihuahua at 18 while in college. She is the best mom to that dog - he is everything to her (and is 8 now!).  I have to say....sometimes college students are better than a lot of other dog owners. Think about how many people have NO BUSINESS owning a dog!  You and your hubby are the best parents ever to Darwin. He is spoiled rotten and I am certain extremely happy and loved.

As for your parents, I don't know how it would be to have family members that are not dog people....I guess I am lucky in that regard.  Although I will tell you, when we first got Peri, mom and dad thought we were nuts and that she was out of control. They kept telling me how to train her and micro manage me (we were 27,28 when we got her).  I finally told them we were adults and to butt out of our life and let us figure this out on our own. They did that.  And they are pretty obsessed with her now. 

Moral of the story.....you are definitely an adult and you are married with your own family (you and DH ALONE are a family).  I think you will find your voice in time. But bottom line is you can make your own decisions and at some point, your family needs to keep quiet.

[Joyce & Wilson]

Camilla, you and your DH are awesome parents to Darwin! Just remember, Wilson has a large yard to play in and alot of space in his home to run around in..where does he want to be ..right beside me!  That is the same with Darwin, he doesnt care where you go or how much space you have, as long as he's near the two of you! I always use criticism to prove it wrong.  You three will do well.

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

My daughter was a college sophomore living alone in an apartment when she got Dixie.  I thought she was nuts!  How could she adequately care for a dog? Didn't she realize how she was restricting her life? What on earth was she thinking?  Dixie turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened for Rebecca - and along with her family was the love of her life.  When times were tough (and it's often tough on college students), Dixie was there to comfort her.  Years later, just months before Rebecca got married (to the boyfriend who had given her Dixie), Dixie got lymphoma.  Rebecca and Brice spent thousands (money they didn't really have) on treatments that gave Dixie another two quality years.  As tempting as it might have been to say to them "It's just a dog", I saw their love, commitment, willingness to sacrifice for the good of another, etc. as positives - qualities I was proud of in a daughter and son-in-law.  Yes, their lives might have been easier without Dixie, but they were richer because of her.  In the same way, your lives might be a bit more challenging because of Darwin - but you are better people, living a fuller, richer life, because of him.

[Anna and Achilles]

Camilla you are so wise for your years. You have been a wonderful owner, age has nothing to do with it. Darwin is where he is supposed to be. Maybe giving your family a little less details of your troubled search will keep the advice to a minimum. Darwin brings you joy, that is all that matters. Some people don't understand that. Good luck on the search, where there is a will there is a way. You will find the perfect place.