Different Priorities

[Camilla and Darwin]

DH and I recently decided to move a couple of hours away to attend a university we both love. Honestly we were expecting happiness and congratulations from our families but that hasn't been the case. They have raised the typical questions like cost of moving, leaving current jobs, making a big change, etc. We expected all of that. What I didn't really expect was how Darwin started to come up in the protests.

My family is aware that it's been hard for us to find dog friendly housing. SLC is not very pet friendly, and finding a cheap, nice, large dogs allowed apt in a good area is near impossible. But with this move, we are heading somewhere that is even less dog friendly. And it's stressful, knowing that almost no apartments will allow Darwin. I know that we will find somewhere, it will just be kind of difficult. Still, having a dog is limiting our choices immensely and they are very worried that it will affect our education.

Certain members of my family (in-laws and immediate) feel that Darwin was a very bad choice. They feel that we should never have gotten a dog while we were still young, and in college. And they think that he is holding us back, monetarily, our living situation, our time availability, etc. I suppose that to a small degree, it's true. We have spent money and time on Darwin that we could have spent elsewhere. But that is true for any hobby, responsibility, choice, etc. And the thing is, it was our choice to make. We made it, and we aren't sorry that we did. We love Darwin. The worst thing, is that it has been suggested by more than one person that we get rid of Darwin to make it easier to finish school, or rehome him until we are done. (over a year). I am baffled that anyone who knows us would think for one second we would consider this. My reaction to the suggestion certainly cleared that up.

I guess this blog is kind of a rant, so bear with me. :-) I've been feeling really down lately, because I've started wondering if maybe it WAS selfish for us to get Darwin before we "should have". Everyone knows college students aren't the best dog owners, right? Should I have listened to that stereotype more? I have scrutinized our ownership of Darwin and I can honestly can say that we have never compromised when it comes to Darwin. I've always been proud of that. We've payed for higher quality food, vaccines, vet costs, daycare, training, spending lots of time with him, etc. Even so, maybe Darwin ISN'T getting the home he deserves, because we move so much, because he doesn't have a yard, etc. It's just so frustrating to be so proud of my accomplishments with Darwin, and to have most other people that know me think it's a waste of time and money. Where as I (and DH) view these choices with Darwin a good thing, everyone else seems to be looking down on them. Thinking that they are irresponsible, meaningless choices.

I'm not saying that I would ever consider getting rid of Darwin. That would NEVER happen. I'm not even saying that I regret getting him, because I don't. It's just hard to have something that I am 100 percent proud and happy about, be torn down by people I care about. To have family say that we never should have gotten him, and should get rid of him now... it's painful and it makes me very... sad.

I know for many of you it will be confusing that family members are so involved in our lives. Why are we discussing our move with our family in such detail? Why are they giving us advice about Darwin? It's kind of confusing for me too. All I can say is that we are still young (22) and our families are a big part of our lives right now. One thing I am hoping is that when we move further away we will start to become more of our own independent unit, and rely less on family advice and involvement.

Obviously if I said this to anyone else they would not get it. "It's just a dog" has been said to me way too many times. What is ironic about this is that if he really is "just a dog" then why do they all care so much? I'm so glad to have a group of people here that I know get it. I am so sick of having to feel guilty about being a good owner to Darwin. Why oh why are our families not dog people?

[Angel Schilling-Putnam]

Life is what happens when your making other plans. I personally don't believe that there is ever a "perfect" time for anything. It sounds like Darwin is with two companions who really love and care for him and that is what counts. Remember the wise comment "you don't get to choose your family, they are assigned to you". (Ha) You'll get through this, your family thinks they are being helpful, unfortunately its not the advice you really need to hear right now. You need support, not opinions. We are all here rooting for you!

[Chelsea and Bailey]

I have never believed that the college student is not the right kind of person to get a dog... that whole statement makes me upset.  It is all based on individual personalities, some adults should never get a dog, even if they are the most financially stable.  I think you are doing a great job Camilla, I follow your posts, I know you guys will make this work for YOUR family.  I am the same age as you, and while I waited until I was completely done school to get B, I still had just moved in with my DH, just started a job, and had (have) thousands of dollars in school debt.  I could feel the family heat on my back.  You need to be strong, stand up for your thoughts, and make sure EVERYONE hears them and understands that what they are saying is not helpful and is hurting your feelings.  I know you guys can do it!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Camilla, I never had a daughter so I could adopt you and then Darwin could come stay with his new Grandma while you get settled. Camilla, your family needs to understand that Darwin is as much a loved member of the family as they are and that you find their comments hurtful. You sound like a wonderful young lady with your head screwed on right. You need to tell your family what you just told us, if not in person, then a letter, sometimes reading it has more impact than hearing it. Good luck with all you decisions and Darwin is a very lucky doodle to have you for a mom.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

When I was newly married, family felt it was 'open season' to comment on all sorts of aspects of our lives.  Our choice to have our family young was one of them.  The thing is you must stop people feeling that they can criticize your life choices.  Darwin is one of them.  Make it clear that this is a subject that is not up for discussion and do it before you feel it starting the next time.  Be very firm and say that if you ask for advice then that's one thing but uninvited comments  are not Ok. 

Naturally this sort of talk makes you feel unsure and a little vulnerable.  After all these are the people who you really need to unconditionally support you.  I have been in this situation many times.  Nip it in the bud now and be strong.  Things will work out.  You and your DH love Darwin and he was the right choice for you.  Who says life is easy, eh?