Dogs and Kids....Are they Worth all the Money?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

When the first words you hear from your husband upon waking up are, “Hayley just called and her car broke down and she is stranded miles away in a parking lot,” you can pretty much assume it might not be your best day.  I blame it on grogginess that I said the first words that entered my head, “I hope you told her wrong number and hung up the phone.” No such luck and after a tow, a day in the shop, and a hefty bill, her car was all fixed and she was back on the road.  It is times like this that I ask myself if I would have been happy if I had just raised dogs.  When Megan got married, John kept saying that he hoped he could retire someday, and I would shake my head in agreement and add,   “I told you I had a headache that one day, nine months before her birth, but you wouldn’t listen.”   The thing is no one ever tells you that kids get more expensive as they get older.  By the time you have that all figured out, the little buggars have grown on you and you can’t imagine your life without them.  Dogs don’t get married.  Dogs don’t go to college.   Dogs don’t need Ugg boots for their birthday and they certainly don’t hand you their Christmas list with money starred and highlighted and listed as the top thing they want in their Christmas stocking.  Normally, my argument would be that dogs are far cheaper than children, except for us, not in the month of March.

 

March isn’t my favorite month.  Weather wise it can’t make up its mind and I hate our clocks springing forward.  I lose enough things each day; I don’t like losing an hour, too. I especially hate having to change all of my clocks and sometimes the clock hanging high in our living room just stays wrong until we roll back.  Instead, I just walk around for six months trying to remember which clock in our house actually tells the correct time.  This week alone I have complained that I am too hot in bed and not the kind of good hot, but the kind that makes you want to stand in front of a fan naked and hope nobody walks by the door when I am doing it and asks, “when did we get a Shar Pei and why is it standing in front of the fan?” Now I hear our Spring weather is going to turn cold again and once again I feel as if March has pulled the rug out from under us weather wise and likes teasing us and nobody likes a tease. March is also the month my dogs go for their annual veterinarian exams, shots, and the month their yearly pet insurance fees come due.  I almost always open those renewal emails and scream at John, “Whose idea was it to get dogs?  We should have just had another kid.”  See, how I can make almost everything John’s fault?   I really think this is my special super power and while John would say my Super Hero name should be The Castigator, I much prefer The Virtuoso.  Anyways, I didn’t think things through when I got two dogs, both in the month of March, without a thought to renewal premiums and annual exams. 

What was I thinking?

Sure, dogs and kids are cute, but cute doesn’t put food on the table or gas in the tank.  Nobody is hiring stick eaters, bubble bath models, lobster models, or rollers,

and frankly, the only commercial I can see my dogs appearing in is the one where the lady is down on the ground and yelling, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”  Put their leashes in the hands of some unsuspecting actor or actress, have a squirrel or groundhog show up, and the commercial will practically make itself.   The kids weren’t much better. We did have one incident where the youngest put a package of string cheese down her pants to solidify the fact that she would not be sharing with the oldest, but who is going to buy string cheese based on that endorsement or hire my food guarding children for the commercial.  I just don’t see String cheese, you’ll be the life of the party when you pull it out of your pants catching on or a string cheese jingle, String Cheese, Keep it in your pants, just be sure to check the expiration date, or you may end up with ants, being much of an endorsement to make you run out and buy a bag.

 

Nope, no income coming in from dogs or kids and even when the kids started working, God forbid you asked them to pay for anything.  My kids were Houdini’s when you got to the cash register with their stuff.  Either they were nowhere to be found when it came time to pay for the stuff they assured you they would be paying for or they would get this vacant look on their face when I called out to them like they had never seen me before.  Trust me, you walk a fine line at a store when you are trying to explain to a store employee that the children you are yanking on belong to you when those same children keep saying, “We have never seen this crazy lady before.  She keeps screaming that she wants us to give her some money!”  I once paid for my own “World’s Greatest Mom” shirt when Hayley disappeared at checkout time and Megan still loves to tell anyone who will listen that since neither of my children thought I deserved that shirt, I had to buy it for myself.   Score another one for dogs…they don’t talk.  Another time, Hayley gave me $6.00 for her item and when I told her it was $6.30 because of the tax, she puffed up like a peacock and said very indignantly, “I cannot believe my own mother would charge me tax.”  Megan had her own techniques to avoid paying after she would get her birthday money. She walked around for months with a new, crisp bill that my mother had sent her saying, “This new bill is too pretty to break? I promise as soon as I do, I will pay you back.”  Sadly, if you weren’t a dumb sucker like me you could see where this was going.  Months later, Megan still had that new bill and a tab with me the size of the US Budget Deficit. 

 

My mom used to say, “money doesn’t grow on trees,” but wouldn’t it be nice if it did?  Every time my dogs needed Frontline or Heartgard, I could go out to that tree and pick a few bills.  New braces for the kids and another trip to that tree, and we would be all set.  Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.  Dogs and kids are expensive and sometimes the older they get the more expensive they become.  Yet, I can tell you this, my life would not have been half as much fun without them and if someone came by one day and said they would give me back all the money I ever spent on my kids and my dogs in this lifetime in exchange for the memories and moments I had with them, I would say loudly, ‘NO DEAL.”  Oh, and just to be clear to Hayley, that sum I refused would include the tax.

Addendum:  After our walk this morning, I may change this to say, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Camilla, If you joined us for some holiday you would have heard the story by now :) LOL Thank you!! Darwin is worth every penny and so are kids :)

DJ, Thank you! Yes, they will always be our "kids". I got two great ones, so I really can't complain, but that has never stopped me before :) LOL

Charlotte, Thank you!! I would grow several of those trees if I could :)

Lynda, LOL...that's right....you can't take it with you :)

Bonnie, Thank you!! So, you think I should get outside and hurry up and plant my tree, right? LOL I can't wait for that grandkid. Let the spoiling begin!!

Pat, I loved shopping in Oregon. I swear that is all we did for the first two days :) I told Megan I would hate to go home and tell everyone we loved Oregon and got to see Nordstrom, REI, and the outlets :)

[Camilla and Darwin]

LOL!!! Such a timely blog as I've been wondering the same thing lately! This just plain cracked me up! The World's Greatest Mom shirt is one of my all time favorite stories!

[DJ & Chance]

Love the blog and photos.  The thing with children is that they will always be our "kids" no matter how old we and they get--and that means picking up the tab more often than not.  But both my son and dog give back to me in so many wonderful ways (other than cash) and like you, I would not trade them in for any price.

[Charlotte and Bo]

Very funny as usual.  I'm day dreaming about that money tree :-)

[Lynda Kamrath]

Can't believe YOU are asking if they are worth it!  Of course, they are, kids and dogs.  After all, what is money for except to spend on the important stuff.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Thank you so much for writing a blog for us, Ms Laurie! I needed a laugh today. Well, we all need them every day, but I am especially grateful when I get one from you. The doodles in the bear hat was probably my first belly laugh today, and this blog was great for that, too. By the way, I just want you to know that the money tree is going to come in very handy with grandchildren. You just have no idea!!! big hugs

[Pat and Traveler]

Hilarious blog, and photos!  If you didn't have kids and dogs, I wouldn't have these funny blogs to read, so it's worth it, lady!  :)  Love the bit about 'can't believe my own mother would charge me tax.'   Save your shopping list--no tax in Oregon!  Well, there's a hefty property tax, but none for store purchases. 

Yup, my kids have never tried to return money gifts.  LOL

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nancy, I was just thinking about those darn taxes today. Yuck is right!!

Ashley, Glad I could cheer you up. I love your superhero name....I should have thought of that one. LOL

F, I am so glad those kids and dogs saved you from all those pesky men :) I would have had the same problem without them. LOL You are right....they do make for good blog subjects.

Lonnie, I can't wait for my first grandchild in August!! Let the spoiling begin :) We got more snow last night, but looks like better weather is ahead. Thank you!!

Linda, Thank you and I totally agree!! Glad you liked the Shar Pei reference. LOL

Karen, I was at work when I had to try and whisper to that kid to get the cheese out of her pants. LOL I know you wouldn't trade JD for anything :)

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

And March also means that you have to face that tax time is near (federal, state AND property). Yuck!

[Ashley, Sadie and Coal]

Well that certainly brightened my day!  These visual images will keep me giggling for days to come.  I have three of those human boogers, two of whom are teenagers... and the two pups to go with them.  All I can say is, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"  And I think my superhero name would be The Blamer because I remind my husband every day that this was ALL his idea! LOL