Holiday Happenings!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

It is that time of year in our household again.  Let me be the first to say, if you are one of those people who gets disgusted every year by the way the retail world rushes the holidays, this blog might not be for you.  Every year I have a cookie party and lots of company on Thanksgiving and because of all the hustle and bustle, I like to get my Christmas decorating done early.  This year, we opted not to have the Cookie party, which I have hosted for more years than I can remember, mainly because the two head elves are old and tired.  I never thought I would ever become one of those people who would decide to cut back at the holidays and do less decorating.  The idea was as foreign to me as sitting down to watch the History Channel. Well, this year several things have gotten in my way of Christmas decorating and one of them just happens to be Fall leaves.  The muscles behind my holiday decorating has decided that a yard full of leaves is a far more pressing matter than pulling boxes out of storage.  Every spare minute he has now he is out in our yard with his leaf blower.  All day on Friday as I wandered around with my musical Elf hat on my head and my voice-changing microphone in hand singing, “All I Want For Christmas is for my Husband to put his Leaf Blower Down,” he blew those leaves. 

Finally, on Saturday he agreed to hand me down the boxes, but he said he needed to take a shower first.  Now, I know another stall tactic when I see it, but I figured a clean and alert husband beats the guy I went out to dinner with the night before. On Friday, after a day of leaf blowing, we opted to go to dinner at our local diner.  I guess it was the first time that day I saw John without a large leaf blower wrapped around his body and really was the first time all day I missed the thing.  As I was looking my disheveled husband over, I finally said, “you look a little rough,” and he answered back that he hadn’t showered all day.  He said this right about the time he dribbled soup down the front of his shirt and as I looked all around that diner and glanced at an elderly man blowing his nose into his bandanna, heard another elderly couple discussing their aches and pains, and noticed yet another old man with his hair sticking up in all the wrong places, I realized we seemed to fit in with this crowd.  When I said to John, “would you have dressed like that on our first date, because I am pretty sure there would not have been another if you had?’ he ran his hands through his greasy hair and said, “in retrospect, YES.”

 

Once the boxes are down and the trees are set up, John’s part of the Christmas decorating is over. Unfortunately, my part is just beginning and every year I have high hopes for a Hallmark moment with my daughter and every year we fall far short of my goals.  It started when I asked her to unpack the Jim Shore boxes and dust them off.  All I did was sing a few verses into my Elf microphone to a made up Christmas song that I hoped might become a new holiday tradition and lighten the mood, Hayley, you are such a good little elf, Now, get that crap up on the shelf, Hurry, Hurry, a little faster, or I will kick your little aster, and she got a real attitude, even after I explained an aster was a flower. 

I also explained to her several times Saturday, making up lyrics on a whim is an art form and nobody likes a critic. She, in turn, explained to me that she was in “Jim Shore Hell,” and it never mentioned once in the Bible that the devil sang.  She also didn’t like it when I asked her to go ask her father, who was back to blowing leaves, if he knew where the blue balls were and if he said anything about only knowing where two were to tell him that joke was getting old. 

Later in the day when she was putting the hooks on the ornaments and handing them to me and I said, “You are a wonderful hooker,” she stretched mom into a three-syllable word and asked if she could retire to her room.  A mother can only do so much to make holiday memories and I guess those Hallmark moments only happen on television.

 

Speaking of mothers, during one of our decorating breaks, I called her on the phone for our almost daily check-ins.  Earlier this summer my mother fell.  She was going into a Weight Watchers meeting to get weighed and tripped over the curb and landed on her face.  Nothing about this is funny except for the fact that as she lay bleeding on the curb waiting for the ambulance, (and the doctor told her later she could have died from the blood loss if she had been on Coumadin) she asked her rescuers to go into the meeting and ask them if they could bring the scale outside so she could do her weigh in.  Luckily, the helpers had more sense than my mother and nixed the weigh in and probably told her bleeding all over a scale made the people in line behind her decide to skip their weigh in, too.   My mom is fine now, but the fall scared her and she swore she was done with traveling. 

 

The only other lasting effect her fall seemed to cause was for a while there she kept sending her loved ones scary photos of her face as she recovered.  I got her a digital camera last Christmas and I was pretty sure I would come to regret it as soon as the calls started…"you got me the wrong kind of camera…I hope the Lord takes me soon, because I can’t handle any more of this new fangled technology…why can’t the buttons just say forward and backward?” I never once thought by giving her that camera she would have the means to terrorize me by sending me pictures in the mail of her injured face, although I did tell her the lipstick was a nice touch against the black and blue. Anyway, she was adamant that it was just too hard to fly and she would not be spending any more holidays at our house.  I tried telling her we were all disappointed, but she kept asking why John was clapping and whooping it up in the background.

Well, shortly after we ordered our balloons, noisemakers, champagne, and party hats, you guessed it; she changed her mind and said she was coming after all.  Hey, and before you judge, we all deal with sad news in our own way. So, Sunday she arrives and Vern loses his chair and she has already informed me when she gets here, I have to show her how to delete pictures on her camera and she is feeling in her own words, “more crotchety this year.” 

The good news is the decorations are done and off my plate.  The bad news is once again the cooperation I long for was denied me yet again. The dogs don’t understand all the hoopla and I have them on such a schedule that no amount of talking can convince them to forget about their walks for the day.  John keeps putting his shirt over the nice part of my Naughty or Nice sign and it took several phone calls and emails to get our daughter in Oregon to send me one picture of her family, including her dogs, for the annual Christmas card. After all the nagging and reminders, she sent me one of my own Driver’s License photo and another where her husband and she were the size of gnats and recipients of our Holiday card would need a magnifying glass to determine who or what was in the picture.  The other day I had a long conversation with John about the mantle decorations and when I finished, I said, “what do you think about that?” and he answered back, “I am not going to lie. It was pretty boring.”  I bought an adorable talking mistletoe and the mistletoe speaks with a French accent and now I have my husband saying something about his wee wee every time he walks under the thing.

Even Fudge and Vern weighed in on the holidays the other night when I woke to find a cute, stuffed Gingerbread man that was part of my aunt’s gift now a double amputee. 

It sure isn’t like you see in the movies at our house, but I refuse to be defeated.  Oh well, there is always next year.  

[Elizabeth, Bailey & Bruin]

Loved the blog ..as always Laurie...But I do have to say...the blue balls are priceless! LOL

 

As for decorating.  I start the weekend of Thanksgiving.  No Hallmark movie here in my home, just two compainers DH and DS..."so how much more Christmas crap stuff are you going to put up"? Oh well, I will enjoy my usual showing of ELF when the decorating is done and the lights on the tree are glowing and the air conditioner is set to 60 so it is nice and cool inside so I can bundle and pretend that it is cold outside her in Florida hehe..

And the the real fun begings...crying to all the sappy Christmas Hallmark and Lifetime movies playing all month long

[Camilla and Darwin]

Ha, this post definitely cheered me up today! Love the photo of the double amputee. My Christmas decorations are going up this week too, but because I can't wait any longer I'm so excited!!!

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

Oh Laurie I love your blog and need one of those microphones, but now I'm feeling so behind schedule! I'll have to let it go for another day though because it is almost 70 outside and it's calling me! 

lol Joanne, so sorry about your decorations!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Joanne, I secretly think John loves those leaves. It gives him an excuse to get outside or hide in the garage :) I would hate to deprive him of all that fun. Maybe a tractor or some kind of giant mulching machine would make him happier. I would probably never see him then :)

F, No decorating ever....wasn't there a movie about a guy who hated Christmas? Is that another one of your brothers? Luckily, my sister schleps the turkey. As for turkey breasts or chests, I am sure you can find more information on that on one of those TV stations you watch.

Carol, We do have fun, ONCE the decorating part is over :) LOL

Doris, Hayley sounds like she was far more help with you than she was with me. For that reason, I am packing her up and told her I hope she likes Texas :) LOL Poor John...geesh...did you miss the whole point of this blog??

Bonnie, Thank you!! My mom says she feels older this year, so maybe Vern stands a chance.

Pat, Our neighbors have as many leaves as we do, so they can't blame that on us.  I tried telling John to blow them in their yard and they would never notice, but he thinks they might :) LOL  It is pretty in the spring when the trees get all their leaves, but oh my, fall is another story around here.

Sheila, I think Fudge and Vern were in it together against that gingerbread guy. I think Fudge got it out of the bag and Vern finished it off :) We did find Vern walking around with it in his mouth. LOL I hope all your snowmen survive the holidays. Thank you!!

Karen, I told you before. John says his next wife will be Jewish :) Wow...you have not heard of Jim Shore. You need to come to PA. I only collect the holiday stuff...Snowmen, Santas, and Angels. Thank you!!  If you ever want to experience a dysfunctional Christmas, you are welcome here.

Deanna, According to my schedule, you are falling far behind in the decorating department. LOL A MONTH...OMD!!

[Carol and Banjo]

LOL F!   I love the way your mind works.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Then why am I called a Turkey on occasions?  Hmmm

Nope, I do not decorate much myself although I do enjoy the work of others  :)

I've said this before;  about 15 years ago all my decorations were covered in Septic tank backup. Ruined. Everything went to S***.  But, my sanity was restored.

As for leaves, get John a yard service for Christmas

[F, Calla & Luca]

You make me feel so much better. No holiday decorating goes on here ever. It makes life so much easier. I was contemplating how much longer I will be able to lift a 20 something pound turkey, bring it home, clean it up, cook it  and schlep it to my cousins. Maybe next year I will contemplate a smaller decorative turkey and some turkey breast. What a funny concept when I think about it. Turkeys do not nurse infants and really do not have breasts per se. It should be turkey chests : )

[Carol and Banjo]

Laurie, I'd love to spend the holidays at your house! LOL....I've toned down the decorating more each year and you've just reminded me why. Hysterical photo of the gingerbread massacre!

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Geez, I (with the help of your sweet daughter!) just finished my Christmas cards and thought I was doing good! After all, it's just the 2nd week of November!!!  What a way to rain on my parade, lol!  Can't imagine why Hayley isn't more helpful with you but perhaps it has something to do with your hooker comments and your singing.  That would make my daughter head for the hills!! So sorry you didn't get your Hallmark moments, but I am sorta glad you didn't as your blog would not have been nearly as funny!  Loved it as always, except the part about the blue balls...poor over-worked hen-pecked John...

[Bonnie and Kona]

It is not like it is in the movies but your indomitable spirit is inspiring. I hope when I get around to decorating in December I remember to re-read this blog and get me some of that fun! I'm definitely rooting for Vern to win the chair contest this year. C'mon, Vern! Stand Sit your ground!