I Fought the Poison Ivy, and the Poison Ivy Won!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As many of you know and have been kind enough to ask about, I have poison ivy and it has not been fun.  In the past, I had no respect for the power of this plant because I have never had poison ivy before.  As a kid, I played out all day and I am sure I came in contact with this plant many times and I guess because nothing came of it, I developed a cavalier attitude and even scoffed at anyone who tried to warn me of the dangers.  Sometimes, when we would hike, my husband would point to something and say in his most apprehensive voice, “Look out, there is poison ivy,” and I would mockingly say back, “Oh, I am shaking, I am so scared.” My husband has had poison ivy from time to time and while it looked painful and annoying, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.  Even the one time it moved into his nether regions, I can remember firing off joke after joke about how it got there in the first place and poo pooing his sweating theory and telling him he was going to make some lucky gal a very happy woman after he showed me the swelling.  Well, I have learned my lesson the hard way.  No more jokes, no more comments like, “Big whoop, I have given birth,” when someone tells me their war story about poison ivy, no more screwing up my face in a holier than thou expression when anyone says fearfully that poison ivy is awful.

You would think I would learn my lesson. Every time I get too cocky, the universe has been there to teach me a lesson.  I guess all those years of saying, “I don’t get poison ivy,” in the same authoritative tone you might say, "not interested,” to one of those salespeople in the middle of the mall who try to ambush you with their miracle potion by running at you and saying, “may I ask you a question?”  put me on a poison ivy hit list. Most of the time I wish it were legal to smack them over the head with my Auntie Anne’s pretzel bag and say, “the answer is no and I don’t like questions when I am shopping,” and spritz them in the face with a salesperson repellent.  Well, it was just a matter of time before someone upstairs took notice and decided to shut me up once and for all and said, “let’s show the little know-it-all that all mere mortals can get Contact Dermatitis.”  Why else did the little voice in my head say, “weed, Laurie, weed,” the other day when my husband and I clearly made a pact when we moved into this house that I was interior and he was exterior and that poison ivy sure wasn’t indoors?  Believe me, when I tell you I hate yard work, so it had to be a higher power at work pulling my strings.

 

Sure I am a member of the Gardening group and I can recognize a dandelion from a rose, but for the most part when it comes to flowers and weeds I don’t know my Ash from a Hole in the Wall.  I have also heard the expression, “leaves of three, let it be,” but who has time to count leaves when you are vigorously pulling up stalks and stems willy-nilly trying to finish a boring job before Dr. Phil comes on.  I also know that most women can tell the difference between real roses and fake roses, because years ago a good friend of ours gave his wife fake roses for Valentine’s Day.  His theory was they were more economical and would last longer, but she was not impressed.  In his argument, he said to pretend they were real flowers, so she did, and about a week later threw them in the trash.  Their marriage didn’t last and ours has and all I can say is I never got fake flowers.  You do the math.  Anyways, I got off topic, but in the future, my new motto is “leaves of three, turn and flee.” 

 

Well, when my husband got home from his work conference and took one look at me, he either said, “you are a sight for sore eyes or you are such a sight, you give me sore eyes.”  I met him at the door with one swollen eye, oozing wounds over much of my extremities, a face as red as a beet, and scratch marks that looked like I had gone ten rounds with a cat and lost.   He was less impressed when I said, “wait until you see the rest of my body,” although to be honest, the canvas hadn’t changed, just the colors. The funny thing is, and I almost hate to bring this to anyone’s attention, my hands are poison ivy free and I did not use gardening gloves. 

 

On Monday, I knew I had to seek professional help and ended up having to see someone other than my usual health care professional.  He was efficient, rushed because he was behind schedule, and either had no sense of humor or thought I was an idiot.  By the time he got back into the room with me, I was all but making monkey sounds as I scratched away and it took him one look at me to diagnose me. 

Since we are going to the beach soon, I told him I needed fixed up quickly before I donned my bathing suit because cellulite, white legs, and blisters, would not be a good look for a middle aged woman on the beach and all he did was look at me.  I guess I should be thankful he did not say, “Honey, if your BMI is the same as your age do us all a favor and wear a cover-up.”  I think his discretion had something to do with those new Big HIPAA Laws.  I can hardly wait to jump into that salty ocean water and I am sure most of you will hear me yelling, "Leaves of three, why me?" at the first sting. Thankfully, the medicine the Doctor gave me seems to be helping and from now on, I am leaving the yard work to the experts, although I do have to mow the yard today.

[Lynda Kamrath]

Having had poison oak internally three times, I can definitely relate to your blog.  It is more likely to be poison oak (grows under the oak trees in the shade) here on the west coast than poison ivy which is more likely on the east coast.  But, if you have a severe allergy to poison ivy, there are some other things you should also beware of - such as cashews and mango.

On the good side, there is something that is relatively new on the market which neutralizes the poison ivy.  It was developed for nuclear contramination and the scientist that worked on the formula thought it should work for poison oak also (and it does).  When you first feel the scratchiness of the poison oak, you rub this lotion in for two minutes and then shower thoroughly.  You do have to keep it away from the eyes, however, as it will also neutralize the eye fluids.  Prednisone also works but it is a steroid, which you should avoid if possible.  If I have it bad or in my eyes, I get a steroid shot at the doctor's office. Oh yes, the name of the lotion is TecNu and we buy large bottles of it at Costco or any drug store.  We clean garden tools with it, wash our clothes, and wipe down the dogs.

I am so allergic to it that sometimes I think all I have to do is look at it and I get it, but it is probably from brushing the dogs after a walk in an area with poison oak.  I usually have it several times a year.  I think I have built up some resistance now, or maybe I am just more aware of the causes.  By the way, you may want to stay out of the sun when you have it.  If you sweat from the heat, that is one way for it to go internal and you don't want that to happen.  Take it from somebody who knows!

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

OMD, I can SO relate!!! I am extremely allergic to poison ivy and have wound up looking like you on several occasions. The only thing that works for me is prednisone -- sometimes a couple of rounds. I have never had it on my face though --at least not to the extent you have! Ouch!! Only you can write a funny blog about something so annoying! Hope you start clearing up soon!!!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Revenge of the Plant, The Movie, starring Laurie.
Poor plants being yanked out by a crazed woman.

[F, Calla & Luca]

OMD, what a batch of funny lines. I will forever think of “leaves of three, turn and flee.”  My older son used to boast he never got PI. Then he sent me a photo of is blistered paw and I told him I had warned him. So satisfying although I felt a little guilty. I am very glad you are feeling better. Amazing that your hands were spared. Gloves and long sleeves are another good motto. Glad your nether regions were spared, it would have been another not so good look.

Sadly HIPPA has never prevented some of my doctors talked about the proverbial D and E (diet and exercise), but then that wasn't what it was designed for. But I do love the BMI line. I really like getting old, there's always a chance you age will surpass your BMI without any effort other than living long enough.

[Traci -Bexter & Maggie]

Laurie,

Your blog (as usual) was hilarious!  I was laughing so hard I actually cried at your description of how you look!  I have had poison ivy before and I know it is miserable!  I love your new saying, "Leaves of three, turn & flee."  I will definitely use that one from now on!  I hope you get better soon!  Maybe you can get Vern & Fudge to scratch your back for ya!  Put those doodles to work!

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Thankfully, I have never suffered from Poison Oak or Poison Ivy!  Now, after your experience, I'm sure I NEVER want to.  Hope everything clears up soon and you're good to go for your trip!!