I Joined a Gym!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last week I decided to join a gym.  I have been procrastinating about it for a very long time and just decided it was time.  A couple of things recently made it clear to me that now was the time, and I would like to point out I had already joined by the time my bikini body had taken a beating in Jane’s new blog.   When my daughter was home we went out on the pontoon boat and she wanted to take my picture on the paddle board.  While I was standing on the board, I told her to hold on until I sucked in my stomach and as I was sucking with all my might, my husband said, “let us know when you are ready.” He is darn lucky I was not in good enough shape to paddle over to him and clobber him with my paddle.  The other thing was I tried to hang from our tree and I could not hang.  This got me thinking if I am on the cruise and happen to make the other Doodle people mad with some comment about Fudge and Vern besting their dog and they conspire to make me walk the plank, I am not going to be able to catch a rail as I am falling and hang there until help arrives. No, I would be a goner as they sat there drinking their Margaritas and high fiving each other.  I can just see my husband running around thanking the other cruisers individually and saying something like, “You are all invited to a party back in my room later.  As you know, I recently unloaded some weighty, excess baggage and I would like to celebrate,” and someone else (and my money is on caffeinated Doris) saying, “wow, did you see that ginormous splash when she went into the water?”

It is not that I want to be a stick figure, but I would like to be able to put on the same seasonal clothes year after year and not play the “surprise, I no longer fit,” game when I do.  I also wanted to get more use out of my sports bra than just stretching it into a slingshot position and pointing it at family members as I ask them if this outfit makes me look big.  I have found most people value their eyes far more than they value telling someone the truth.  So, with my daughter waiting in the car, I ran in and met with the gym employee/salesman whose job was to get me to join their gym.  I went in fully expecting a game of cat and mouse with the salesman and started out strong with my demands…”Can we weigh you?.....Only if you can lift me onto the scale….Would you like to work with a trainer?.....Do you have one that is obese and non judgmental?.....What are your goals?.....Is this the part where I take off my clothes and point them out to you?.....Hey, where are you going?....I was only kidding.  Gosh, you are really fast!”  I told my daughter later that I held my ground, but I was pretty sure I now had a trainer and was going to be trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey at my next appointment.  She just shook her head and said I really showed them who was boss.

My next two appointments were with Sam.  Well, Sam looked like a very fit drill sergeant to me and unfortunately, as I am prone to do, I stated my opinion out loud and listened as he laughed. 

So far, so good!  At first, it seemed like Sam and I were going to get along just great. I had initially asked him if he was nice to old, out of shape women and he answered back that he didn’t see any old woman.  Later, as I had time alone to think about that statement it occurred to me that he had not added that he didn’t see an out of shape woman, either.  He laughed at most of my jokes and really cracked up when I told him that after I told my daughter that Sam was going to help me get rid of all my under arm jiggles, she had asked, “Is Sam a plastic surgeon?”  Then, all of a sudden, Sam turned on me and started talking about taking measurements, weighing me, and having me hold some instrument that measured body fat.  When I told him to just put down “ A LOT” in the box next to the body fat measurement, Mr. Picky needed an actual number so he could refer to an actual chart to show me that my assessment was accurate. 

I could have pointed out that we had just wasted valuable time, but as long as we were talking I didn’t have to do anything strenuous, so I kept my mouth shut.  Over the course of the next two appointments, he also took me over to the scale, which was located right at the front of the lobby, and asked me to hop on.  As far as I was concerned, all that was missing was a TV camera, Alison Sweeney, and me wearing a sports bra and black spandex shorts with a large sign behind me announcing my weight for all to see.  He also took my measurements and I had one workout under his guidance and one mini evaluation workout. 

 Let me just say I walk my dogs every single day, rain or shine, and we do lots of other active things, so I thought because of that, some of my muscles were used to moving and I would be fine.  I thought wrong.  The day after my first work out, I had to rock like an upside down turtle to get out of bed.

I thought I was going to need some adaptive equipment to get around, and at one point yelled for a bedpan only to have my husband yell back he would send Fudge and Vern right in with a Pyrex dish and to let him know if it got there in one piece.   When my friend, Rose, called to see how I did, I asked if she would mind bringing a healthy meal up to us for dinner because I was too weak to cook and she explained she had a class about past lives to go to that night and would take a rain check.  I told her that her current friend could soon be exiting this life due to hunger and muscle pain, but to be sure and have fun at her class, and she just giggled and said again she would take a rain check.  My neighbor’s husband saw me walking like an old lady out in the yard one day and yelled over that bikinis were on sale at the mall and I should run get one and he knows darn well, I was too sore to run.  It would serve him right if I went and got one and the next time they were out on their boat, we pull up along side of them and I drop my cover up and say, “thanks for the suggestion about the bikini.”  (bite your lips, F & Doris)

Well, I am proud of myself, because I keep going back, even though I sometimes find myself playing, "which one is not like the others?" as I work out.   I admire the Olympians for their drive and determination and the only thing that sets me apart from them is their drive and determination.  I have zilch and have been known to quit Weight Watchers after the first meeting, so I have already set a record for me at the gym.  I know it sounds dumb, but I have two big dogs and they need exercise and I want to continue to be able to offer that to them.  So, I will keep going to the gym and in the immortal words of Sam to my current trainer, “she is a baby and will try to get out of doing everything,” which may be an accurate assessment, but who knows what could happen if I just show up :)

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

Way to Go Laurie! I joined a gym too on Sunday. I really like this new place near my house, it's got everything, and fully equipped women's only section with a pool and tons of variety in classes. I'm actually really excited about getting in shape. I took a muscle toning class on Monday morning, and haven't been back... I'm so sore! But tonight is the night. I'm going to try a Zumba class. To me the most important thing is to make it fun, and try not to go over board in the first few weeks, or else your motivation will dwindle lol. Maybe we can implement some sort of competition to keep us motivated to go. I plan to go three or four times per week. The most challenging part for me is to get myself to go in the late evening, after I've taken care of the doodles. That's my tv time so I'm considering cancelling my cable!

 

Good luck Laurie! I want to hear regular progress reports!

[Camilla and Darwin]

Awesome, I admire your dedication. I have no excuses and I need to stop being lazy!

[Elizabeth, Bailey & Bruin]

Enjoy the Dear Diary post...this was sent to me the week I started at the gym..almost wet my pants reading it!!!!

[Elizabeth, Bailey & Bruin]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - a thinly built female, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny cow to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that cow Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me those stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little rugrat***) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

I totally can relate to what you are feeling...I have been there too!!!  When I first started I had to do a lunge and fell the first two times.  Then a squat and also fell...I was mortified but didn't quit!!!

 

Since getting Bailey I have not been back but need to desperately...Oh how I wish I could have you as a gym buddy.....what a bunch of blogs you would be able to write hehe...

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I joined a gym too, but declined going the trainer route. Sadly after almost a year I haven't lost any weight. Happily I do water aerobics about 3 times a week.  However if I thought that was gonna get me into shape I was sadly mistaken.

[Leslie and Halas]

Upside-down turtle - loved it!  It will only take a few weeks for working out to become part of your routine.  Then you'll be used to being sore every day, so it won't feel as bad. :)  And when you feel like an upside-down turtle, and you think F & V are laughing at your pain, you'll probably right.  I think Halas laughs at me when I'm sore.  Smart-a$$ doodles!

Maybe Karen will post one of her body-building pics for motivation.  I tried to smuggle one out of her house last time I was there, but she gave me too much wine, and I forgot.

The rings on the side of that bikini are perfect for holding poop bags, so be sure to wear it on your walks!

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

In all seriousness, you will see results and I think it's great you are doing it!

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

You are going to look hot on the cruise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Ah, Laurie, I'm only sorry you don't live closer so I could be your trainer. none of my clients ever needed a bedpan the day after a workout, lol.

But you are already on the right track:

"...who knows what could happen if I just show up "

After all, 80% of life is just showing up.

Good for you, kiddo.

[Christine & Camus]

You Go Girl!  But, don't lose your sense of humor. The last photo is nice but kinda skinny :)