It's All About You!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

The last time John took the garbage out, he fell on the black ice.  Of course, he blames it on the garbage, but I blame Mother Nature. Taking the garbage out is John’s big job in our household and let’s just say the walk down the driveway to the garbage cans takes less time than the nagging I have to do to get it done.  Even my mom asks me when I am going to give up the nagging and just do it myself, but I can be a determined woman.   I keep hoping that someday when he sees that overfull garbage can in our kitchen, instead of just pushing the garbage down and forcing the lid back on, he will put two and two together and realize that if he just lifts it up and out and walks it down to the trash there won’t be any more lengthy “I’ve had it!” discussions.  So, I am pretty sure John was preoccupied trying to remember where the garbage cans were located when he went belly up. We think he broke a rib or ribs, but we can’t be sure, since he won’t go to the doctor.  I have nagged to no avail, but all he says is there is nothing they can do and all the doctor will say is, “here is your very large bill and some aspirin.”  I figure at this point all I can do is nag, because like I keep telling John, “the Lord helps those who help themselves.”

Please keep my home clean, John!

On top of all that, I have had a head cold/sinus infection.  Let me just say before the well wishes and sympathy start pouring in, that I am going to be just fine. Yes, it has been a struggle taking care of a grumpy patient when I am not feeling all that great, but I am managing.  Like I tell my family all the time, “you know me, I don’t like to complain.”  Of course the last time I said it, someone in my family said, “who are you and where is my mom?” and everybody who was not me laughed. One day he bit my head off when he sneezed and said he didn’t appreciate me making a joke about how badly it hurt.  All I had said was, “Gesundheit,” to him and had consoled Fudge, who is deathly afraid of sneezes. 

This really is Fudge after somebody sneezes!

The day I can’t say to my own dog, “Fudgie, did daddy scare you with that loud sneeze and subsequent moaning?” is the day I don’t want to have dogs.  I understand that pain can make you lash out at loved ones, so I took the high road and told him I had heard if he held a pillow over his ribs really tightly when he sneezed it would hurt less to sneeze.  I also offered to hold one over his face to muffle the sound so poor Fudge wouldn’t get so scared at the loud noise and I assured him I wasn’t joking, only trying to find a solution.  

 

I am also not accusing anybody of anything or concocting a wild conspiracy theory like I get accused of regularly, but I have had a bad head cold and every time I mention I am sick, my family always comes down with something, too.  They deny it, but I feel as if the mere mention of a scratchy throat or a stuffed up nose has them online searching for something that tops my illness, so they don’t have to pick up any slack while I recover.  I am not saying John threw himself on the ice deliberately because that would make me sound plumb crazy, so just forget I even brought it up, but the timing has gotten me thinking.  I could have the Bubonic Plague and I would still wake up to dirty dishes, plenty of laundry, and empty dog water and food dishes.  Oh, and the surprise they can both generate when I say something like, “seriously, no one could empty the dishwasher to help out?” never ceases to amaze me.  They must work up revolving excuses while I am hacking my lungs out and preoccupied.   I didn’t want to disturb your nap with the sound of dishes clanging….I didn’t know if you wanted me to cook something or wait for you….I swear I just filled the dog’s water dish.  How was I supposed to know they drank it all?  Meanwhile, if they are sick, I am not going to lie and say I am the perfect nurse, but I do try.  Let’s just say I am somewhere between Florence Nightingale and Nurse Ratched.  I am certainly not going to resort to shock therapy to get anyone to take a pill but I may say, “Sweetie, can I get you anything else before I take an extra large swig of NyQuil? Oh, and please know that I am perfectly fine with you suffering in silence the rest of the day.”

 

Of course, I am not asking for sympathy, but since John has fallen, I have been doing double and triple duty.   He cannot walk either dog, which leaves me the sole walker.  The temperatures are frigid and the only plus side to being outside with a cold is your snot freezes and stops your nose from running.  Taking the garbage out is out for him now and probably forever; because he watches a lot of medical shows and I just bet anyone who can diagnose himself with broken ribs can also come up with PTSD (The T stands for trash), too.   Oh, and speaking of hardship, he has been sitting in his easy chair a lot since he fell and watching stupid stuff on the TV. Every time it is time for one of my Modern Family reruns, he has already settled in to watch The Rifleman.  Seriously, if he wants to watch someone spin a rifle around on his/her finger, I would be happy to find the BB gun out in the garage and give it a whirl, especially if I thought it would scare him enough to hand over the remote.  Dance, John, dance, and toss the remote control this way!    I have also been cooking more so he can rest at home and not have to go out and I am exhausted.  I even got my mini pie maker out of the basement and dusted it off and made him mini chicken pot pies and mini apple pies and guess who had to do the clean up. 

 

The biggest sacrifice I have made since he fell is I have switched bedrooms.  I tried to sleep in our bedroom in case he needed me in the middle of the night, but when he wouldn’t comply with the “no snoring, no moaning” ban I implemented on day three, he left me no choice but to move to the spare bedroom.  Normally, when John snores I tell him to roll over, but since he couldn’t, it was like sleeping with Foghorn Leghorn, or what I imagine anyone with the first name of Foghorn might sound like at night.  I had some other ideas first that involved clothespins, staples, and pillows, but in the end I didn’t want to go to jail, so I moved to the spare room.  The funny thing is the only one the switch seemed hard on was Fudge.  I put a couple of pillows under the sheets on my side of the bed and I don’t even think John knew I was gone for the first couple of days, but for me, it was like a vacation. Truly, if someone put a piece of chocolate on the pillow for me at night, I would have thought I was at the Hilton or on a cruise ship. 

The room was quiet.  The bed was incredibly comfortable and the covers were all mine. I could get up in the middle of the night and turn the light on, play on my computer, or watch a movie.  Other than Fudge pacing by the door, or laying out front of the doorway pleading with me to move back to the other room so she could settle, it was a much-needed retreat. I also figured out rather quickly that if I just rolled over and looked in the opposite direction, I could easily ignore Fudge and carry on in my new retreat.

 

My dogs are programmed, I guess, and Vern continued right by my door and onto the master bedroom if he needed to go out or at least that is what I was told in the morning, because I never heard him.  I told John to yell for me if Vern had to go out in the middle of the night, but he never did and I thought about getting him a whistle to blow, but then I decided that might hurt his ribs.  Fudge would try to stay with me for a bit, but it just seemed as if she couldn’t stand it after a while and couldn’t understand why her world had been turned upside down.  She would finally give up and go into our room, but I don’t think she slept well.  Vern would jump in bed with me in the morning and snuggle and who doesn’t want Vern snuggles in the morning.  It was a great hotel, for the most part, but I could tell it was killing John to be away from me after a few days.  Oh sure, he tried to be brave, and Monday when I told him I was coming back, he tried to be selfless and said, “Are you sure? Absence does make the heart grow fonder.”  Luckily, we have been married so long, I could see right through his bravado and told him so and all he said was my X-ray glasses must be broken, which was weird because I was wearing my regular glasses.

It has also occurred to me that if Hayley is in charge of John and me as we get older we are in big trouble.  One night when John was hurting and I was not feeling all that great and already in bed, I called her on her cell phone down in her room and said, “I will give you $20 to take the dogs out.”  I think she was up those steps before I got the last word out simultaneously yelling for the dogs and yelling for her cash.  I told John we had better start stockpiling twenty-dollar bills now for our old age. Oh, and when it became apparent that some slack might need to be picked up, oddly enough she came down with the same thing I had and was too sick to do much. Hmmm…I sure didn’t see that coming. She opted to go to the Doctor and got an antibiotic and guarded those pills like a drug dealer.   In between blowing my nose and coughing, I said to her a couple of times to share those pills with her poor mother and all she ever said back was it was important for her to take all her pills as prescribed. I liked it a lot better when she couldn’t read.  She had better hope she doesn’t need a kidney someday, because I am going to say back that at my age I go to the bathroom more and I need two for storage.  I just don’t understand people who think it is all about them.

P.S. Everyone is on the mend and feeling better. No sick people were harmed during the writing of this blog.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, I am the Saint...you missed the whole point of my blog. LOL I knew you would stick up for Hayley! Thank you!

Michelle, Gosh....I would love homemade anything :) I hate cooking. LOL I would like to take credit for the NyQuil slogan, but I found it on the Internet. Thank you!

Lonnie, Yes, he was really hurting there for awhile and I am so glad he did not hit his head. I always worry that Vern is going to pull me down someday. He is so darn strong. I hope this blog didn't jinxed me :) Thank you!

Wendy, Thank you! That is exactly what Dr. John said.....six weeks to heal :) Yikes.

Karen, I told him he would get better medicine if he went to the Dr., but he wouldn't listen :) Thank you!

Thanks, DJ. Surely he didn't fall on purpose to get out of taking out the trash forever? LOL

Cheryl, Thank you!! Learn from me...I forgot to have John add in his vows...."I will take out the trash willingly and forever." Don't make the same mistake. LOL

F, I look good in orange and stripes in any direction! LOL The first thing I asked him was if he hit his head. Luckily, he did not. I did not know that about Dr. Atkins.

Camilla, I doubt John would even hear the sensor :) LOL Maybe he needs a shock collar. I actually don't like to take any of those sleeping aides...they make me feel too odd....or odder, I should say. LOL It sounds like you should never take NyQuil or if you do, Jacob should try my spare room idea :)

[Camilla and Darwin]

P.S. The idea of you and NyQuil mixing is hilarious and I wish I was around to record/witness it. Better yet - The idea of a Laurie blog + NyQuil. He he.

Medicine tends to affect me strongly and quickly, and strange things tend to happen when I take NyQuil. Once Jacob came into the bedroom after I had gone to bed, and still mostly asleep - I jumped up and started guarding the bed, not letting him in and listing off reasons why I didn't believe he was who he said he was.

[Camilla and Darwin]

This was one of my favorite blogs thus far - although I'm sorry that it was generated out of all of you feel badly! I hope that you all feel back to normal ASAP.

Have you ever thought about installing some kind of alarm on the garbage? Like a sensor at the top that beeps loudly every 20 minutes if the trash level gets high enough to cover it. The problem with that is that it may bother you and the dogs and Hayley more than it would John. Hmm... :-)

[F, Calla & Luca]

Did those prison strips go in the right direction. Anyway I believe they have all gone to orange and if I recall the orange you know what was very unflattering. There have been a few occasions this winter when the garbage and recycling had to wait. Not worth risking limbs or ribs. And don't forget Dr. Atkins died after hitting his head when he slipped on ice. A lot of good his diet did him.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Well, I for one am glad you thought better about the pillow remedy. I'm very afraid of the pictures you'd be posting from prison, although the blogs might be terrific :) Glad to hear you are all on the mend.  Taking the trash out to the street at my house is like a flipping day trip and it's gravel :( I thought about getting remarried so someone else would have to do it -- but that seemed a bit extreme -- and now you've convinced me that it has zero chance of success LOL You're one funny lady …even when you're sick.  Feel better :)   

[DJ & Chance]

This is way too funny.  I've heard of great excuses to get out of carrying the trash, but broken ribs now go  to the top of my list.  Congrats, John, and glad everyone is feeling better.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I was wondering where you'd been! I'm sorry to hear that you've been MIA because of illness and injury, but glad to hear you're all on the mend. And really, how serious could any of it have been if you can make me laugh so hard about it? LOL

(PS: John is basically right. They wouldn't have done anything for a broken rib except give him a bill and some pain meds, but those would have been more fun stronger than aspirin.) 

[Wendy and Myla]

You are hilarious!!!!  So glad you're feeling better and I think it takes six weeks for ribs to heal - but don't tell John!!  LOL

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

Well, that was a heck of a way to start the new year!   Sorry you and Hayley had the "yuck" and John with broken ribs, not good at all! "Ouch"  I had two of those the first year we had Libby (her fault, sort of ) and they are NOT fun.  I can understand his not wanting to do much!  Sometimes those spare rooms are like a "very needed" hotel room!  LOL   Glad all of you are feeling better and Fudge is feeling "back in place" now!

[Miss Ellie]

Awww Laurie...so sorry you & John have not been feeling well...if I lived closer I would have been happy to make you some home made chicken soup and walk & help care for sweet Fudge & Vern while you got some much needed rest.  Sending hugs and glad to hear everyone is on the mend.  Another great blog...you truly should write a book...take care...oh and I just love your NyQuil Slogan...too funny...take care:)