Laurie, Fudge, and Vern Want to Know How Do We Get the Tour de France Banned from U.S. Television?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

For three weeks every year, my husband sits in front of the television watching the Tour de France. I can honestly say, with no malice intended towards the bike riders, that I hate this race.  There are very few sports that I like watching on TV, but even the Super Bowl only lasts for a few hours. This bike race goes on for three weeks and there are no funny commercials or famous singers belting out songs during half time. I don’t like Football either, but I know a little something about it and never get tired of my husband’s reaction when I ask him what inning are they playing and who is up to bat?

 

The Tour de France makes absolutely no sense to me. It is measured in stages and you can win the race without ever winning a stage. Some riders are there to help someone else win, which seems like a total waste of time to me. Don’t get me started on the outfits. Today, there was a guy in an all white spandex outfit and everybody knows white makes you look fatter and white fabric can be more see through in sweaty conditions. I was hoping someone would bring out the little black box TV censors sometimes use at the award shows, but no such luck. Another guy was wearing a green helmet to match his green ensemble, which is fine if you are at an Irish Pub on St. Paddy’s day knocking back a few, but seems odd to me on a bike trail. All the riders are fighting to wear a skintight yellow jersey, and each year the helmets get crazier and crazier.  They are starting to look like a Toucan parrot has found it’s way on to the back of some of these rider’s heads.

 

I own a bike and I do ride weekly, but my seat on my bike is huge. I told my husband to go to the bike shop, hold his hands out really wide and tell the employee, “my wife’s butt is this big and she said she wants to be able to locate the seat when the ride is over.”  He did not think that was the proper way to fit a seat, so he declined. The seats these guys sit on in this race are the size of candy Fruit Wedges I can buy at the local drugstore.  Personally, I would be surprised if any of them are able to father children after three weeks of sitting on that seat or do not have to walk around with a bag of frozen peas attached to their nether regions for months. 

 

God forbid you ask my husband a question while he is watching this excruciating long race or he gets mad. All I said was, “When we are done watching this leg of the race, can we go down to the local hardware store and watch paint dry?” and he got all bent out of shape. Today, he told me if I wanted to sing to the dogs, I needed to go outside and yesterday he asked me to turn my TV down so he could hear the race. Yes, what could be more riveting than hearing one rider appears to be a little winded while shooting up a mountain on a bike. What are the odds?  He has seen me ride a bike uphill, so he should be able to put two and two together by now without the help of an announcer.  I can also tell you if I keel over while that race is on, I had better do it during a commercial or he will not even notice and if the commercial is advertising a new bike, I am screwed.

 

Over the years, we have had fun bike riding together and right now, in 96-degree weather, he is out there in the elements riding his bike. Usually, I like to wait until he is almost ready to go and yell, “Wait up, I want to go too!” just to mess with him, but it is too hot to even do that today. I admire his dedication and the dedication of those Tour de France riders, but it still does not mean I want to see it for three weeks on TV or plan our days around when it is over. One night, I was so fed up, I got mad and said, “I am tired of competing with this stupid race.  I have needs too!” He told me to turn the race on in the bedroom and he would be right in at the commercial and I told him I appreciated the minimal effort he was willing to make on my behalf, but I was talking about going out for dinner.  Good communication can make a big difference in a marriage, we have found over the years.  

 

Tomorrow, the race is finally over and then we can get back to our normal lives.   Fudge and Vern get their favorite man back and instead of rushing home to watch the race, we can go back to taking our time on our dog walks. My DD might hear, "How was work today?" instead of "Move, I can't see the TV!" We can be more than spectators and actually go bike riding together and I can go back to asking, “How much longer are we riding?”  It just seems to me this is better than sitting in a living room watching a race unfold on television.

 

[Wendy and the boys]

Isn't it also strange that Cadel has won and the race still has one more day to go - weird!

 

[Elizabeth & *Kosci*.]

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie,... Oi,oi,oi. Go Cadel..!!

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Oh shoot - I knew I should have kept that photo.  Someone sent me a photo once showing two bike teams standing on the podium getting their medals.  One teams was wearing black riding spanks - er I mean shorts and the other white (gasp), wait maybe they were red.  Lets just say it left NOTHING to the imagination!  It was hysterical - they had to have about died when they looked back on it.  I'm with you - it would be mind numbing to watch but they have to have numbness of a different sort - lol.

[Camilla and Darwin]

That is one scary looking helmet...

[Bonnie and Kona]

I would love it if my DH watched a sport for three days straight once a year. He is a baseball fan and it goes one every day for months. Mind numbing. I know all about not being allowed to talk except during commercials. ugh

[Kaytlin and Cooper]

oh how torturous! My DH is glued to the TV for hockey so I know the feeling

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Well I hope the guy he wants to make the basket does it!

 

 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

It's blogs like this that make me miss having a significant other a whole lot less. I have a new-found appreciation for the fact that I can sing to Jackdoodle any time the mood strikes me without any negative response, and I never ever have to look at any man wearing spandex of any color!

Laurie, once again, thanks for making me laugh out loud. I really think you should be writing a national column, we here on DK are very lucky to have you here entertaining us!   

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I housebroke Ned during the Tour.  If ya gotta get up early, ya need to make it count!