The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly from my Week Apart from Fudge and Vern!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last week I had to babysit my grandson and leave the dogs at home.  It has come to pass that I have to try and conceal my suitcases and packing from Fudge in the hopes that I can accomplish things faster. From the time she sees the suitcases until the time I leave, I have to contend with her stares whenever I look up and her constant shadowing of me around every corner.  She gets clingier to me at night and I feel so guilty about the worry I see on her face. Vern is less in touch with my comings and goings, but he is very in tune to Fudge’s moods and seems convinced that if he stays with her, he won’t miss out on anything.  What all this means is that while I pack and try and remember what I need to bring, I am running an obstacle course around two Doodles as I travel around the house.  The thing is, as I get older I need to stay on course or I forget things.  One stop to assure Fudge all is well and the odds of remembering all my toiletries is greatly reduced.  My memory is terrible and just this week while following Doc and Megan to a restaurant in my car, I forgot what color car I was following and had to call them on the cell phone. Of course, this led to much teasing and I can just hear the conversation in their car after I called them…Do you think it is safe to let her watch Archer. She seems confused? I think it’s just that she isn’t very smart and lots of dumb people have kids and it’s not like we are asking her to help with his homework. Ok, but if I catch her diapering one of the dogs and calling him Archer, she is done watching him.  Later when I went to the restroom at the restaurant Doc asked me if I thought I could find my way back to our table when I was done. As I came out of the bathroom, he was waving frantically at me and saying, “you can do it…we are right over here.”  Anyways, the day before my departure I was at my wit’s end with the dogs getting in my way and threatened to leave early and stay at a hotel along the way just for a little peace and quiet.

 

I use the dogs as an excuse, but in reality I could not wait to get down to see my little grandson.  Megan was having outpatient surgery (she is fine) and I had two people ask me where she had the procedure done and all I could answer was I didn’t know.   I just remember yelling, “hand over that kid,” as they were walking out the door to wherever she had the surgery done. I have to be very careful around my kids, because I have caught myself saying to Archer, “you are the best thing that's ever happened to me,” and then looked up to see one or two daughters staring at me.  I learned that lesson the hard way when I used to say it to Fudge and Vern.  Sure, I always try and backtrack and say something like, “I meant, of course, after the birth of my own beautiful daughters,” but the last time I said it, Megan said, “mom, it would be far more believable if you weren’t winking at Archer.” Meanwhile, I am hoping Archer grows up with a little more reverence to grandma than his mom and aunt and I have always considered it a blessing that Fudge and Vern don’t talk.  Just once it would be nice to hear someone say, “grandma, I think you are pretty,” instead of “dad, have you ever wondered why mom’s feet are so big and she is so tall?” while I am being looked up and down by Megan during the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer.  I shouldn’t have to keep saying, “I swear I have always been a woman!” to my daughter AND HUSBAND while they look on doubled over in laughter.

Doesn't everyone wear clown shoes?

Sometimes I say having Fudge and Vern are like having a couple of small children, but I found out last week I could have been overstating.  I have never been as exhausted after a day with my dogs as I was after a day with Archer.  I told Megan several times there is a reason God gives you children when you are young, because at the end of the day, grandma was worn out.  Archer is a GREAT baby, but he is getting around more and seems to have the ability to find items around the house that small children are not supposed to have. I found out rather quickly that saying, “Archer, don’t make grandma get up again,” didn’t really pull much weight with him.  They also have two French Bulldogs who do pretty well with Archer and I wanted to keep it that way on Grandma’s watch.  Megan and Doc do a great job of monitoring Archer around the dogs and vice versa.  We all worked hard at keeping him from startling either dog while sleeping and to afford them their own space.  That included him trying to poke Bonzai’s back end with his finger, in what I can only describe as an attempt to play a shape game.  I refrained from saying, “that is a circle, Archer, now move on.” Megan really should have thought harder about getting a dog with a tail before she had children.

 

My other real concern with the Frenchies is they seem to hump each other at the slightest provocation and since Archer seems to like the dog beds better than his own baby blanket and is enamored with their food and water bowls, I am hoping he doesn’t start thinking he is a Frenchie and adopt any of their strange behaviors.  I would hate for Megan and Doc to go to his first preschool meeting and have the teacher say, “Is there any reason you can think of that Archer seems to want to mount the other children?” That would not be good and if he combines that activity with the Frenchie’s tendencies to pass gas constantly, I think I see home schooling in his future.  

 

I didn’t have much time to think of Fudge and Vern last week, although I missed them, while I ran around after Archer. I try to be a helpful guest so I get asked back and last time I organized their laundry room with a table and bins for each occupant of the house and was dismayed to see my system was not being used.  When I asked about it, I was quickly told I did not live there and to basically, put a sock from the wrong bin in it.  I cooked, baked, cleaned a bit, took out trash, and babysat while I was there and at the end of the night I tried to whisper to all that I was going to bed early because I was dead tired.  Unfortunately, Jazz has very good hearing and as soon as he suspected I was off to bed, he decided he was coming with me. Every Single. Night!  He is smaller than my dogs, but takes up twice the room in a bed and I woke up a couple of times with my head hanging off the bed and Jazz enjoying my pillow.  On the few nights I decided to play tough and ignore his pleading eyes to get him up on the bed with me, I would turn over to find him staring at me.  No matter the length of time, and I am sure it seemed longer in my head than it was, there he would be just staring at me.  Sometimes, he added little snorts to make sure I knew he was still there until I gave in and helped my tormentor up on the bed with me.  The morning I left I told him I was breaking up with him and there was nothing he could do about it and he just continued to stare at me with those stalker eyes. If this keeps up I may have to get a restraining order…yes Officer, he is small, black, built like a bowling ball, and has non-blinking beady eyes.

Being so tired had me a little loopy and when I get loopy, I seem to find myself funnier than others do.  Not one person laughed when I told them I was so tired all I could think about was taking off my bra and going to bed.  I went on to say I had gotten some new bras right before coming to North Carolina and my boobs weren’t used to being lifted and separated. When no one reacted, I added, “they get sad when they have to spend the day apart,” and all Megan said was, “ mom, please stop talking about your low hanging uni-boob and go to bed.” So, there you have it, the good, the bad, and the ugly of my week apart from Fudge and Vern.  Having young children and dogs can be done, but I am here to tell you it’s hard work and takes diligence, stamina, and training, something I had a whole lot more of in my twenties and thirties. Now all I want to do is sit back and watch someone else do all the hard work, while I spoil my grandson rotten.

 

Fudge and Vern were ecstatic upon my return home. They always make me feel like a Queen when I pull up in the driveway and open the front door.  I just don’t know how I am going to tell them these visits to Archer are going to keep happening.

Some Photos of my time away!

[Nancy and Georgia Brown]

Love the photos and the story. You are a great story teller. And your pictures capture your imagination perfectly. I feel like I am there.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

My other real concern with the Frenchies is they seem to hump each other at the slightest provocation and since Archer seems to like the dog beds better than his own baby blanket and is enamored with their food and water bowls, I am hoping he doesn’t start thinking he is a Frenchie and adopt any of their strange behaviors.  I would hate for Megan and Doc to go to his first preschool meeting and have the teacher say, “Is there any reason you can think of that Archer seems to want to mount the other children?” That would not be good and if he combines that activity with the Frenchie’s tendencies to pass gas constantly, I think I see home schooling in his future.  

AS A RETIRED TEACHER . . .  UH . . . . ER . . . . I AM SPEECHLESS!!!! AND THAT IS HARD FOR ME TO BE.

 I kept stopping and reading bits to Skip. This made our evening!

PS - I keep a toiletry bag packed.  I use it on motorcycle trips and saves forgetting important things like deodorant; and put your clothing on hangers.  Perhaps if you keep this stuff in a purse, Fudgie will just think you are going to the drycleaners with a couple of purses!  :-}   I do not want you to upset the fudgemeister and her sidekick, Vernburger.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, You know I like to weave my way around a story :) I have lost my marbles, but that happened a long time ago. LOL I never even considered the fake ice cream being mean until I got all the comments. Poor Archer...his grandma is all about getting the picture. I promise next time I see him, he is getting a real ice cream cone :) Thank you. I sure do love that kid.

Camilla and Robin, Thanks!

Carol, How funny is your story....LOL. That person probably did think you were following them :) I am glad to see I am not the only one. I am hoping Archer can help me operate their stupid TV soon. I am glad to hear it calms down, although he is a real love bug and likes to be held too.

Lonnie, Thank you!! It is the best thing in the world. I really would not have believed it until it happened to me :)

Cheryl, We are lucky that Archer is closer, but Megan is not going to get rid of me...no matter what happens. LOL Just let her try and get away from me :) I think Jazz blinks in between snorts!

Jane, I feel very lucky that I can help with Archer. I wish I could take Fudge and Vern, but they have a small house and a cat. It would be a disaster. I see him soon and I promise he will get a real ice cream cone. LOL

Thanks, Lori!

[Donna K & Quincy]

I started to read this last night and for some reason first when it posted it was all scrambled and nothing made sense. I thought, it's finally happened, Laurie has totally lost her marbles. I was so relieved to come back and to see everything made sense (sort of). Now that I think about it, maybe it was my brain that was scrambled. Archer, Bonzai and Jazz are so lucky to have such a fun Grandma, even if she does give him fake ice cream. BTW, if we had the makeup troweled on us and the picture photo shopped to death we would all look freakin wonderful too, even more wonderful than we do now I mean. :>) I think I'm really funny when I get loopy too, of course it usually involves a few glasses of wine. Your pictures are perfect and I think that little person just get cuter with each passing day.

[Camilla and Darwin]

OMD this blog is hilarious and the pictures are so adorable!

[Robin and Libby Louise]

Your grandson is too cute!  Yum!

[Carol and Banjo]

Oh my goodness, Archer is just too darned cute!   I loved your blog Laurie (as always!).   I laughed about you forgetting the color of their car.   I was reminded of the time I was following John home from Long Island.  We came to the toll booth, I went through one and he through another at the same time.    Unfortunately as I passed through, I jumped in behind what I thought was his truck.   As I literally chased this truck down the highway, wondering why in the world John was going so far over the speed limit...was there a sudden emergency he had to get to? After a while it actually seemed like he was trying to get away from me.   WTD??!!!    He finally jumped off at an exit way before our exit.   I was completely confused and a bit irritated at this point.    It wasn't until I pulled up behind him at the stop sign at the end of the exit ramp that I realized it wasn't him!   I swear the driver of that truck thought I was after him.    LOL.....I was so embarrassed and couldn't get back on the highway fast enough. 

Archer is at that age where you don't get to sit for one second.    I used to think that I'd  never be able to watch Aidan on a regular basis....I just didn't have that kind of energy.   Once they get a little bigger, it gets WAY more easy to deal with.   Then you get to sit and watch them play.   You don't need to be after them every second.   We love when Aidan comes over to the house for the day.  

I know the dogs and your "girls" are happy you're back home!

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

Love the blog Laurie and how nice to spend the week with him.  Yes, it is way different when we are in our "older" years from when we were raising our kids and had so much energy!  Wouldn't trade it for the world though and Grandparenthood is the BEST by far!  Can so relate to the "memory" thing too!  Archer is absolutely precious and your photos are always so amazing!

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Archer is just so darn cute, Laurie, and one lucky little boy to have you :)  And so lucky for all of you that they moved closer!  I started laughing at "I forgot what color car I was following" (do not even ask why I thought that was sooo funny) and didn't stop until the end.  Another GREAT blog!  PS Jazz is cute even if he does look like something created for a Steven Spielberg movie :) He doesn't blink?  Really?? oooo spooky!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Your daughters and Archer are SO lucky to have you, Laurie.  I'm guessing that F & V would just as soon make little Archer disappear for taking their Mom for a whole week, but I know that Megan and Doc must have been so grateful that you could be there for them.  The pictures are really awesome, but I'm still thinking it's a little mean to give the baby fake ice cream just so you don't have to clean up the mess.  In that first picture it looks like he's thinking "can't I have real ice cream this time, Grandma".