The Puppy is in My Heart

[Betsy D.]

Hum, I have never written a blog post. I think anyone who reads this may now be the recipient of my random thoughts that many say I need to put down on paper. You see my almost 43 year old best friend and husband is terminally ill and though we have been dealing with this for more than 3 years, he had a bad day and I am in a "blue funk" as he would call it. Dirk has terminal brain cancer and for the past year+ his short term memory has been faulty at best. He doesn't and can't eat well. He has been unable to walk for the past 9 months and he is horribly confused about most of life. Thank goodness he can still recognize those people who are important in his life: his mother, brother, my family members, our great friends, our 3 young children and me. Today was a bad day. He felt sick to his stomach and was having pain in his left temple which is the opposite side of the original brain tumor.

One of his long term memories that is still in tact is that we had always talked about getting a dog in the future. I grew up with Golden Retrievers and Standard Poodles and he had an Irish Setter.We have both missed the love and companionship a dog brings to a home. We put it off for multiple reasons, but one was that I didn't want to take care of multiple babies at the same time. Once all children were out of diapers and not "toddling" around was what I said. "When we can afford to fence our one acre piece of property." Dirk would say. A year ago, I had just finished up the last diaper stage and the children started begging for a dog. My husband really was not doing well and it really was not an appropriate time for a dog. "In a year...next Spring." I told the kids. Life would be more sane!!! Ha! January 1st came around and the oldest 2 started in on the dog thing again. Ugh!!!! Your dad is dieing I wanted to shout!!! We can't get a dog now!!! BUT.... I started thinking. These kids deserved something to look forward to. Something fresh and full of fun and promise... a special gift from God. So I said o.k. and so began my search for a breeder. I wanted a Goldendoodle. The kids just wanted a dog. The blessing was that I found Teri and Michael Fann of Goldens-n-Doodles and we are now waiting for our new baby to be born in less than 2 weeks!

Now comes the whole reason for starting this blog. Am I doing the right thing? Now I am a bit nervous. Will I be able to handle this? I get so excited when I talk to people about our new baby. The kids are really excited!!! But is the timing right.... I am second guessing myself... Will I be able to give our little one what she will need? I have found I can do a lot that I didn't know I was capable of and I know there is still more to do and learn... This is what we planned. Dirk was part of the decision to get this puppy, though today he couldn't tell you about any discussions we have had. The kids have talked with him about her name and we have shown him pictures of previous littlers. He is a part of this. My heart is always right and it tells me this is the right thing to do now. Get a puppy. My head is starting to work though.... Are You Crazy????!!! Your life is chaos!!!!

Now you understand part of my "blue funk". We were supposed to do this together....

[Nancy Evers]

Cinnamon Hope Esther DeYong... she was meant to be....

[Lynda Kamrath]

Oh Betsy (and family) - My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Yes, by all means, get the puppy. It will be something for everyone to put their energy into and bring you so much love. But be sure to tell the children that it is not easy having a puppy and they will need to do a lot of the work. They will be so happy to have that expectation for their energies. It is very hard watching a loved one pass on.
My sister also had brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme or GBM). She had been having a lot of headaches and then all of a sudden (at work) could not read. She was in surgery that night for her first brain surgery. She was always a trooper and started retraining herself to read. They gave her a life expectancy of 5 - 9 months and she actually lived 3 1/2 years after the initial surgery. She had two brain surgeries and two gamma ray surgeries, countless radiation and chemotherapy. When they offered her experimental drugs, she said "bring them on". As I said, she was a real trooper, and I know that I could never have gone through what she did. But the good thing about brain cancer (if it is possible to have a good part) is that it is relatively painless. She would be sick from the chemotherapies, but not in pain. She never did go back to work, but she could read minimally and amazingly write because the ability to type on the computer is in a very different section of the brain. Her husband would read her e-mails and she would type responses. She functioned relatively well up until the last few months when her other systems started to shut down. She remained at home with hospice increasing their time at her side until she died at home with her husband, sons, DIL and grandchildren at her side.
So, yes, my dear, you will get through this also, and the children and puppy will help. Please write to me about any of your concerns, anxieties, etc. My the way, our first child died of SIDS about 30 years ago, so I know about the crazy feelings you may have dealing with this whole thing. Please keep me in your loop.

[Karen & Lucy]

OH Betsy, tears are rolling down my cheeks for you, your DH, and kids. You do have your hands full. I am a registered nurse and see this every day. I know what you are going through. I lost my mother 1 1/2 ago from Alzhiemers and renal failure. My dad keep her at home and was her primary care giver. When I got Lucy my goal was to do therapy work with her after I retire. So to get her started I would take her freq. to see my mom. As soon as I would open the door and my mother would see her a BIG smile would come on her face and she just loved her. She would call her "Lucy Ball". I have started calling her that now. She brought joy to her even in days she did not know my dad or me, she knew Lucy. This is a good thing you are doing. Your DH will respond to this puppy and this puppy will bring content and peace to him. If I were near you I would give you a big hug. I could go on and on, but know that you, your DH and children are in my thoughts and prayers. May God be with you all

[Michele Barton]

Hi Betsy, I just read your blog, and though I understand your second thoughts about a puppy, you will never have regrets once you hold Cimmy in your arms. Ever since getting my first dog at 4 years old (I'm 51 now!), they have never let me down. During the darkest days of my life, and the "just blue" days of my life, I have soaked more than one pup with my tears. With a dog you can just "let go", with everything you've got, and they don't try to cheer you up or say something wise or become uncomfortable around you. They just love you. I think Cimmy is just what you, your children and Dirk need at this time.
Michele

[Paula]

Oh God Bless you, Betsy, Dirk and your kids. I can't think of a better thing to do!

[Chris & Boys]

Betsy, your husband and family will be in my prayers. During my hardest times, I remind myself that God doesn't give us anything that we cannot handle. And every time it has proven to be true, so just remember, it is building you into a stronger, better person. I think a dog will comfort your entire family, but I think it could really be a comfort to your husband. Quite frequently dogs will take to someone who is ill and bond quite deeply with them. Training does take work, but that can wait as long as the housetraining is done. As many have said, go with your heart and you won't go wrong.
God Bless.

[Bren & Reagan]

First and foremost my prayers and thoughts are with you, your children and most certainly for your husband. I just got my doodle 4 weeks ago. When I had decided to get a labradoodle I too started searching for a breeder. During the time we found out my grandmother, whom I was very, very close to had colon cancer. I went back and forth whether it was the right thing to do. I did decide to get her and through everything and especially sadness, Bindi has been my heart and soul. She loves you unconditionally...she is so sweet to cuddle with....well now that she is 14 weeks old the little stinker is all about discovering everything around her. I must say, everything I read when doing my research was exactly right about doodles. They are smart, easy to train, fun to be around, loves everyone...and the list goes on. Do not know where I would be had it not been for her. She has gotten me through a very difficult time since getting her. You will adore your doodle and she will be good for everyone, including your husband. Many hugs...you take care of you too! Bren

[Kyoko]

Betsy, I am so sorry about your husband....My prayer is with you.
I agree with many of the poeple here... I think the puppy will give you, your husband and your children, something bright to look forward to, someone to hang on to, and someone to share the memonry with.
You are such an icredible woman to think through all of this with everything that is going on.
God bless you, and your family. Things will be OK.

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

What a hard choice this must be for you. However, you ARE doing this together. He will be aware of the warmth and cuddles and doodle kisses and the children playing with the pup, and yes the added chaos!!!! But what joy for you all to remember Dad with the puppy. Looking back at pictures of Dad holding him makes memories of Dad being part of the puppy's life. I have a 16 week old Golden and yes, they are a good bit of work the first month or so, but with crate training and tethering to yourself or gating in a safe area you will get thru the worst of puppyhood. My prayers are with you and I hope your new pup brings lots of smiles to your family.

[Kelli, Fenway, & Dustin Pedroia]

I knew you had mentioned that your husband was terminally ill on your profile page, but I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Last year a teacher at a neighboring school started a blog on her husband that also had a brain tumor. I read it religiously as did many others. From all accounts it helped her a great deal and was a great way to give friends and family up-dates. I don't know if you'd be interested in reading it but here's the address if you do http://www.thelatestonmike.blogspot.com/. I don't know if it would help you or not, but I'm glad that you have started blogging here. I think that the doodle kisses folks are some of the nicest and most supportive, so I would encourage you to keep on blogging. It's a great way to express yourself. As for the puppy, you're going to love this dog so much! I can't even explain how special they are and how much a part of your life they become! You're making the right decision here.