Vern, The Class Clown, Gets Reprimanded by the Head Mistress, Fudge!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Yesterday was one of those days.  I am going to out myself as the worst dog trainer ever in the history of dog trainers.  Something is happening with my Vern.  It all started with the lifting his leg to pee incident.  I have noticed he now likes to go over the spot where Fudge goes and today, for the first time ever, he backpedaled after he went to cover the spot.  Unfortunately, since it was his first time, his timing was a little off and he almost did a face plant in the process.  None of this is earth-shattering news, but combined with the rest of my story, I am beginning to think I have a juvenile delinquent on my hands.

We went for our long walk in the woods and I stopped to let Vern go down the slide at the kiddie park. 

Fudge was content to sniff the ground and look for squirrels. I let Vern off leash and was hoping to get some good action shots of him coming down the slide.  He was beyond excited at the prospect of coming down that slide as many times as he wanted and it wasn’t easy to get him to stop at the top so the camera woman could get set up.  Well, after I checked the first few shots it was apparent that Vern’s manhood had made another appearance and only the shots from a certain angle would ever see the light of day. 

We didn’t fare much better at my fall photo op, so I opted to put my camera away and try again another day. 

I kept asking myself, “What happened to my little sweet Vern?”

 

Later on in the day, we decided to go for another walk.  Many times, when Vern and Fudge hear me get my car keys, they raid their toy box for something to bring along.  Since most of the stuff gets dropped out in the yard to be tripped on at a later date, I always make them drop it before exiting the house.  Yesterday, Vern got the slip on me and bolted out of the house with an antler in his mouth.  Now, keep in mind, Vern is my people pleaser dog. He likes to make you happy.  He usually complies with most requests and if you use your “happy voice,” he will bend over backwards to make you happy.  Well, not yesterday.  He took off like a bat out of hell with that antler and flew through the yard with me hot on his heels.  I commanded him to drop that antler and I did not use my “happy voice,” and he looked me right in the eye, wagged his tail, and if he had any fingers, I got the feeling he would have stuck one up in the air.  Every time, I got within a few feet of him, off he went with that antler and a smug look on his face.  Our dogs have spent months booby-trapping our yard and with all of the fallen leaves, I knew my life was in peril with every step I took.  It was only a matter of time before I came across a hidden hole, a lost dog toy, or something squishy under my shoe, but I persevered, determined to win this battle of the wills between my dog and me.

Well, what Vern didn’t know was I had a secret weapon and her name was Fudge. 

Fudge was already in the car watching all of this go down and she must have decided she was going for that walk one way or another.  I also think she realized I was in over my head and I feel it was the cursing and cautious running combined with the empty threats of, “Vern, if I ever catch you, you are going to be a mail order dog for some lovely family,” that tipped her off.  All of a sudden, Fudge leapt out of the van and around and around the two dogs went.  One dog bent on keeping his prized antler and one dog determined to stop the madness.  I cheered Fudge on from the sidelines and yelled out encouragement, “get him, Fudge!”  Sure enough, Fudge got him, issued him a couple of corrections that I was sure meant, “drop the antler and get in that damn van,” and as I approached and tried to steal some of Fudge’s thunder and give the illusion that I was still in charge, I yelled for Vern to sit.  He went into an immediate down, which by this time I conceded was close enough, and I took the antler and threw it inside the house.  Just in case there are those of you out there who do not think I was tough enough, let me just say in my defense, I let Vern know he was a very bad dog and I only smiled once when he wagged his tail and tried to give me a kiss.

 

For a moment there, when Fudge jumped to my defense it took me back to those years of parenting when one daughter sensed our displeasure with the other daughter and moved in for the kill.  I know most parenting experts probably advise you against pitting one child against the other, but personally, anytime anyone was willing to side with me, I was all for it.  Our daughter, Megan, was ornery and knew which buttons to push on her mother to get a reaction.  Whenever she and I got into it, Hayley, our youngest, would sidle up to me and say something like, “mom, I love you….mom, I’m being good, aren’t I?....mom, I don’t like what Megan is saying.”  This infuriated Megan and once when we were driving somewhere, she asked Hayley if she was having trouble seeing.  As usual, Hayley fell into her oldest sister’s trap and replied that she could see just fine and Megan countered, “Oh, I was just wondering because you have your head so far up mother’s behind.”  It was times like this, I had to pinch myself and remind myself that I was the one these children were looking to for guidance and try not to laugh.  I felt the same way yesterday with Vern. 

When John got home last night, I was sitting on the couch singing made up songs about my dogs into my elf microphone. 

I told him it was either that or drinking and he said he really would prefer to come home to a drunk.  I recapped my day and told him how great Fudge had been and how Vern had trouble listening.  As he sat there rubbing Fudge, he started laughing and said to Fudge, “I can just see your mother correcting Vern.  Vern, I am telling you 500 times if you don’t stop that, there is going to be big trouble.”  I was sitting right next to him and he was bad mouthing me to our dog like I was in another room.  Where was Hayley with her, “mommy, I don’t like what daddy is saying,” when I needed her?

[Joanna, Zoe & Bender]

Vern Vern Vern Vern Vern!!!!  I love him so much! hahaha i love that he goes down the kiddy slide!  

Also, I think next time you should sing made up songs into the elf microphone WHILE you drink!!!  

[Pat and Traveler]

I can just picture this slow-motion chase!  Who couldn't smile at a happy Vern?  Good girl, Fudge--you help your Mom and keep that clown in order.  Laughed over the visual of Vern trying to pee...and the slide is just too cute!

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Sounds like we both had power struggles the other day - you with Vern and me with Kayla in all her "terrible twos" glory!!  Tuesday afternoon, in the period of less than two hours, she had not one, not two, but three major melt downs.  Similar to your struggle with Vern, mine centered around Kayla wanting to take something with her as we went from place to place on our afternoon errands: all of her books from the playroom "needed" to go with her into the car, the entire toy box we keep at great grandma's for our visits there "needed" to go with her as we left, her "guys" (Jack-in-the-Box kids' meal toys) we keep in her diaper bag for entertainment at restaurants "needed" to go home with her as I dropped her off.  I guess you could say I WON each battle, but not without lots of kicking and screaming.  I guess I needed Fudge to help me gang up on her!!!    

[F, Calla & Luca]

@ Karen, please don't encourage Laurie : )

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

LOL! Glad to hear you had some back up since I couldn't be there to help out!  Good girl Fudge!!

If it happens again (which I doubt since he is such a GOOD boy) try using the Elf Microphone when you call him. That should get his attention!

[Camilla and Darwin]

LOL, I don't think it's possible to be mad at Vern. He's much too adorable.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

What human could ever really get mad at Vern? I smile every time I see a picture of him, which considering that there's one on my fridge, is often!  I say, let Fudge keep him in line, and you just keep smiling at him!

Now, if you really want to make me smile, post a video of yourself singing made-up songs about your dogs in an elf voice! I would pay to see that!

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Vern sounds a whole bunch like Knox. He LOVES being off-leash at our little neighborhood park so he can hunt squirrels and if he has one in sight, no amount of calling him will do. There are times when Courtney has to "round him up" for me. She will get between him and the poor squirrel as if to say, "Game's over, DA! Mom and I want to go home!" She's small but mighty! So glad our boys have older sisters to help us out!

[F, Calla & Luca]

Complaints will get you nowhere today. Fall pictures indeed. My last leaves were not so cheerfully disposed of by me yesterday before the nor'easter hit. We got a few inches of snow but they are, thankfully disappearing. Some poor folks lost their light again though.

As to being the world's worst dog trainer, there may be a lot of competition there, I know how you love that. So you may have to start untraining your dogs to beat me. My goal is to keep the dogs from jumping on people who come to the house. I have been planning this for four years now. Maybe I'll start tomorrow : )

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh, Laurie! Yes! Where was Hayley last night? It sounds like a typical day at our house except Owen is in Vern's position of running around like a kook (and unlike Vern... is not interested in pleasing anyone!). Last night Owen decided the wood pile really belongs in the family room. He brought in four rather large pieces of oak... about one every half hour. I returned them to the woodpile this morning thinking... Owen should be taken to the woodpile, if you know what I mean! If we could just stop laughing at him, I'm sure we could manage to discipline him better.