What the Heck was I Thinking?? (Slightly R Rated)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As most of you have heard by now, I have taken up Photography as a hobby.  As most of you also know, I consider myself to be an expert on most subjects regardless of my actual knowledge about the subject or any facts to back this up.  So, today, while I was out with my two Labradoodle assistants/models I came to the conclusion that no world-renowned photographer was ever able to get any of their famous photos while holding the leashes attached to two Doodles. Don’t bother telling me that Ansel Adams or Annie Leibovitz had Labradoodles or even try to back up your statement with photos of all, because I will just tell you a hired assistant followed behind on the photo shoot with dogs in hand.  I have had some incredible “almost” shots this week only to be thwarted by two nosy Doodles.  As we were walking back to the car the other day, there stood a squirrel in between two tree limbs, perfectly posed.  Before I could get my camera out of my bag and the lens cap off, the Doodles spied the squirrel and made a move in his direction and up the tree he went.  I swear this isn’t an “I caught a fish this big, but he got away,” story.  My squirrel photo could have been in National Geographic, if it were not for two dogs named Fudge and Vern. 

 

Same thing happened with a woodpecker that I saw circling around a tree.  My second chance at a cover shot for Birds and Blooms magazine was denied to me because one of the dogs chose that moment to shake his tags and scare off my subject. 

It is no wonder the only things left for me to shoot are boring bridges, dirty dogs, and dogs with balls in their mouths. At one time I had a squeaker toy in my camera bag to squeak to try and catch the catch lights in their eyes and one night after I had gone to bed, one of them (Fudge) got in my bag, pulled the toy out, and handed it to her brother (Vern), so he could get caught in the morning curled up to a disassembled squeaker toy surrounded by stuffing.  So, now my camera bag is missing an important tool and I have photo after photo of two dull-eyed dogs. What next?  They run off with my Speedlite External Flash and bury it in the woods.

 

On one of our latest assignments, we are supposed to shoot a subject at different angles, which when you are 55 years old can be harder than it sounds.  I was out trying to get a silhouette shot of Hayley against a birdhouse and John yelled for me to get down on the ground.  “Hayley is younger. Why doesn’t’ she get down on the ground?” I yelled back, but down on the ground I went. 

FYI: when you are down on the ground at a park, Doodles tend to think it means you want to be stood over and licked, which makes it hard to photograph anything, but a large tongue coming at you.  Also, getting down is much easier than getting up and make sure no one in your family is standing behind you during the process yelling, “Quick, someone hand me a camera. I see a full moon rising!”

Sometimes, it feels as if I am lugging behind two bored teenagers who start causing trouble just to pass the time.  Believe me, I am an expert on bored teenagers because due to poor family planning on our part, we had two in the household at the same time.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “mom, there is nothing to do,” and I used to answer that they could help me with the cleaning, vacuuming, or laundry.  Those kinds of retorts were always met with vacant stares as if I was speaking a foreign language and they had no idea what those words meant.  A couple of times the oldest one tried to while away the time by baking us all a treat.  Unfortunately, she was a firm believer that directions were for dummies and followed her own “wing it” plan in creating her specialty brownies/moon pies, which we privately referred to as her “moon craters.” Usually when she said she was in the mood to bake, I would suggest we all go to the movies. At least, Fudge and Vern don’t bake, but they can be equally annoying when they are bored.  The other day while I was setting up my shot of Fudge, Vern jumped in my van, got into my camera bag, and emerged victorious with a glove in his mouth. He then proceeded to run all about the yard, showing Fudge his treasure until she had to take a break and check it out. After I took the glove away, sticks, corncobs, and a sock he had saved from another day made an appearance.

 

The best example of the confusion shooting with two dogs can cause happened when I decided to set up a framing shot for our assignment and ended up with several shots that reminded me of Marie’s inappropriate sculpture on Everybody Loves Raymond. 

Keep in mind I worked hard to get these shots and it involved one ball, a dog’s face, sometimes a dog’s tongue, and two tree limbs that formed a V. 

I kneeled on the ground in ivy that could have been hiding any small creature, which was convenient, because as I was down there I prayed I would be able to get up later.  Vern was first up and I learned another valuable lesson that I would like to pass along to budding photographers. Choose your props wisely.  For some reason, I opted to use a ball that had a thing-a-ma-jig extending off of the ball and gave my shot a look altogether different than what I was going for and not in a good way. 

When it came time for Fudge’s turn, for the sake of propriety, I switched to a different ball.  Just in case you think this was some fly by night photo session and not well thought out or executed, I will have you know when Fudge showed no interest in the ball stuck in the tree, but opted to bring me another ball, I ran in the house to get peanut butter to slather on the stuck ball to make it more desirable for her to make the shot work.

That is how determined I was to get the shot.  Unfortunately, all my hard work did not pay off in the end, because when I looked through my images, I was horrified to see something akin to soft porn involving my sweet dogs staring back at me.  The only person interested in these shots might be Hugh Hefner if he ever decided to put out a magazine called Playdog. 

 

Later, when I showed John and Hayley the pictures, both of them could not stop laughing and Hayley asked the same old stupid question she always asks, “Mom, what exactly are you trying to say?” and John said, “from the looks of it, I am wondering if she should answer that question.”  “Ha, ha, ha,” I said, “it is supposed to be a fill the frame shot.” 

Well, that caused more laughter to erupt and as I walked back to our bedroom, John yelled out, “If Larry Flynt calls, should I take a message or put his call through to you?”  It is hard to be an artist when you have to keep explaining your vision.

[Sheila & Finnley]

Laurie, Laurie, Laurie.....you really need to slow down, and relax a little ! Maybe just spend the weekend hula hooping, or something.

This quest for capturing the perfect picture is leading you down the crooked path, and you are making those two precious doodles do sad, and unusually weird things.

Please do not show those in photography class, or you may be sitting in the corner with the dunce cap on !

As extra punishment he may tell you to spend community service hours with the bird lady !

I think it's time for an intervention before we see a picture of you "shooting the moon"(no not that one)while wearing the orange bikini. We here at DK are just not ready for pictures like that !

I did love the birdhouse  picture, and can totally relate to trying to take photo's while hanging onto a doodle.

An impossible task for sure.

Thanks for the morning chuckle !

Have a great weekend.

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

the shots of the dogs are classic, but the butt shot has me shaking MY tags...thanks for the laughs...again! 

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

I was laughing so hard the dogs came into the office and "cocked" their heads at me.  Yes, I said it.....

Oh Sweet Mother of Pearl, I smell a new photography assignment in our near and somewhat skewed future.  I laughed so hard my mascara actually ran.  But worst of all, I think I was one of a very few that actually knew who Larry Flint was.  Does this make me a horrible person?  Just a preacher's daughter, I guess.  At least you didn't use John as a prop.

 

[F, Calla & Luca]

He is a riot!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, I expected you to be first to comment when I put in the header....slightly R rated :) LOL GMTA...because I looked up, too, to see if Larry was still alive. I missed the green object implant, but had better go back and check it all out. Thank you!! John is a real crack up....last night in Photoshop class the teacher took attendance and said to John, "and the beautiful woman next to you is Laurie?" and John looked to the woman on his other side. I would have hit him, but I was too weak :) LOL

BG, Thank you!! I am glad you were able to keep breakfast down :)

[F, Calla & Luca]

I have to say that I am appalled I somehow missed this yesterday. Also, that John gets the best lines, like the next to the last sentence which made me giggle. I had to look up if Larry Flynt was still alive and it appears he had something like Vern's green object implanted recently--I'll say no mote in this family publication. OMD. It is hard to be an artist indeed but you have already succeeded in the blog genre.

[BG and Gavin]

I don't even know where to start.  I can't stop laughing.  Although I am glad I had breakfast well digested before being treated to the charming shot of the plumber's butt!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Eva, Thank you! I am glad I could help :)

Adrianne, Gosh, I hate to wake up sleeping Doodles, but I am glad I made you laugh :) I will tell Larry!

Donna, Thank you for recognizing my creativity and jeniusness :) Not many people do! LOL I am going to have to research the Rodeo Song. Not familiar with it, but I will be soon :)

DJ, Thank you! I can't believe that adorable Chance causes you any problems :) No way!!

Lonnie, I am getting a reputation :) LOL I am glad I made you laugh. Thank you about my photos :) Now, you see what I go through. LOL

Pat, I am so glad to hear others have this same problem with dogs and cameras. I thought it was just me. From now on, I am blaming all bad shots on Doodles :)

Deanna, LOL...stop shaking your head :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Camilla, Joanna, Jill, and Elizabeth!

Thanks, Nelson & Jeanne!

Carol, I do worry about what my search engine shows :) LOL I am sorry you are spitting your coffee :)

Jane, OMD...I guess I am just more worldly :) LOL  It is weird the things my brain retains. I am very good in Trivial Pursuit, unless it involves answering something useful :) The funny thing is I could hear Tim's voice saying, "It's inappropriate!"

Lisa, I hate this real job you have. I have noticed you have less time on DK. Get your priorities straight :)

Cheryl, I am so glad to hear someone else has trouble photographing with dogs :) An empty collar....LOL!! So far, my dogs have not gotten stuck in a tree, but give it some time :)

[Camilla and Darwin]

Oh my gosh, HYSTERICAL!