Why, Vern, Why?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Yesterday was a rainy day.  I love rainy days except for the fact that Vern still thinks we need to keep to his schedule and walk him twice a day.  Fudge is happy to sleep the day away, but not Vern.  So, last night the weather seemed to clear a bit and I suggested a walk at a county park a car ride away and off we went.  The closer we drove to our destination the darker the skies were getting, but I was determined to give Vern that walk.  I learned long ago if Vern doesn’t get his nightly walk we would be dealing with stares, sad eyes, and paw swipes, the rest of the night.  At one point, John said we were driving directly into a thunderstorm and I told him we weren’t going to be those people who were afraid of a little rain.

 

I won’t say that sometimes I make mistakes, but I will say that this was not one of my better ideas and not for reasons you might think.  By the time we got to the park it was pouring and thundering and yet I was still not willing to tell Vern that he wasn’t going to get his walk.  We decided to wait the storm out in the car, which meant both dogs were now moving about in the car and eagerly anticipating the moment when one of us jumped out of the car and opened the door for them.  The only problem was nobody in the car wanted to be that person who got out first.  So, we continued to wait until the rain subsided a bit, got out of the car, and I think I said, “What is the worst thing that can happen? We get wet!”

 

And here is where the story gets interesting, because you would think getting soaking wet would be the worst part of our walk, and you would be wrong.  I wanted to walk on the sidewalk around the perimeter of a large field, but John said we would get less wet walking in the woods under the trees.  This seemed like a bad idea to me since it was thundering and with thunder comes lightning and I didn’t think you were suppose to take shelter under trees during a thunder storm.  What do I know? John was an Eagle Scout and I never advanced beyond being a Brownie, so I concede to him when it comes to matters of camping, survival skills, and nature stuff.  I do know that he once told me to hold a hanger high in the sky if it was lightning and when I said that did not sound right, he just laughed and added that it is always best to be in the water, too. Despite my reservations, into the woods we went with Vern and me in the lead and John and Fudge lagging behind. 

 

I felt like I was on our walk alone since John was so far behind me and when I came to a fork in the path, I stopped and yelled for them to hurry up, and that’s when Vern did it.   When my back was turned, I can only assume he spotted a large pile of poop, or meadow muffins (since this sounds nicer and my Thesaurus said it was another word for poop) as I will call it for the rest of my story, and said to himself, “I wonder what it would feel like to dive headfirst into that pile?”  It wasn’t a roll, it was just a quick head dive, and back up with his entire side of his head, neck, collar, tags, and leash smeared with meadow muffins.  I think at that point, even Vern sensed this was a major miscalculation on his part and the answer to his previously asked question was, “it does not feel or smell good!” 

What a mess we had on our hands with the only positive being we were near a river.  Well, I walked him right down there and strongly encouraged him to get in and was thinking I had done a good job of solving the problem when John went slightly nutty and cried out that the current was too fast and could carry him downstream.  I am ashamed to say that I said, “Who cares as long as he washes up clean at the other end!” and the next thing I know John was making a now wet and disgusting Vern get out of the river. So, we jumped into action with Plan B and we decided that I would go get the van and bring it back down to the river in the hopes I had something in it to help clean Vern.  I told John to stay at the river and I would be right back, but what he must have heard was “walk up the road towards the van and yell at your wife, who is driving said van, that you need someone to take Fudge.”  It took me all of five minutes to bring the van back down to where John was supposed to be and another five minutes to convince the dogs they had just seen me and I did not need any greeting that involved Vern touching me.

 

I fancied myself MacGyver as I went to the car and rounded up some makeshift supplies to get Vern as clean as we could before he got into my van.  I was able to find one winter glove, a tube of antibacterial soap, a trash bag, and several towels.  Thankfully, John volunteered to do the dirty work and got in the river with Vern with his one green mitten and got it all off.  Of course, even with all that activity John did say he was happy this happened on my watch and not his, because he never would have heard the end of it. It is hard to argue with a guy knee deep in river water wearing a messy glove, so I waited until we were in the car to point out that I had been forced to take my eye off Vern when I had to turn around and tell Fudge and him to hurry up.  In keeping with the theme of the day, he said that sounded like some BS to him and he doubted even Vern would roll in it.  Vern’s collar, leash and tags went into the washer when we got home and if I could have figured out a way to fit Vern into the washer with them, he would have gone in, too. He is lucky he is huge and I hate the sound my washer makes when it is off balance during the spin cycle. He did get another bath and poor Vern thought he was in big trouble having to get two baths in one day, but you do the crime, well you know…you take a couple of baths.

 

We learned a valuable lesson on Sunday. If an animal drops a meadow muffin in the woods and nobody is around to smell it, does it still stink? It does, if your dog rolls in it!

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

I am not sure why but before Dexter came along Daisy NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER rolled in anything. Dexter has taught her some very bad habits.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh my meadow muffin! Our new cry of pain. OMMM!!! Gross! I am so amazed that John was in the river that was fast moving cleaning up dirty dog Vern. Even more impressive is that Miss Fudge, the water escapee when on the pontoon boat, did not jump in and swim to the other side just to torture you all the more. I count that a big success! 

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

Holy meadow muffin! Never a dull moment! I caught Jack about to do a shoulder roll right onto a stub of a cigar on our walk the other day! Why?! And what was it even doing there, we never see that! I caught him before he hit the ground, all this while still holding Jilly's leash steady. We are everyday heroes Laurie.

[Lynda Kamrath]

Love your writing style, Laurie.  Yesterday I took MonaChica on her first off-leash walk and bicycle run.  She was on leash while Charlie was catching up to us, but when he got to us, I took her off leash and let her chase the bike with the other dogs.  Harpo also found something dead and rolled it it.  Charlie calls it Chanel de Pup.  He had just had a total grooming and was looking rather like a poodle with a long tail, so you can't really blame him.  But, seeing your new dog run off in a bike chase with everyone else is rather like watching your 17-yr-old drive off in the car with his little sister.  You worry, of course, but know it is just part of the normal evolution.  She was absolutely delighted to be running with the other dogs.

[Cynthia Whitfield]

This is so funny, I had to read it twice!  Although I very rarely post, I always read, and I especially look for your blogs. Before I kind of retired, I was a work-from-home journalist, and I appreciate good writing.  You are a wonderful writer with a great sense of humor.  Thanks!

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

EEEEeeww! Oh Vern!!  "I hate the sound my washer makes when it is off balance..." LOL  Finn doesn't roll but he does find deer poop irresistible for head smears. I've wondered on occasion about the washer!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, You find the funniest stuff! I would NOT be taking Vern to this park :)

Ricki, You did say "stinkin". LOL His looks help him out a lot :)

Sally, No, sadly, nothing is sacred :) If only it were mushrooms....LOL.

Jarka, Thank you for appreciating that line. I was worried some people might believe it :) LOL A good snort at work is always fun!

Nicky, Nothing is uneventful with me :)

Thanks, Kaitlin!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Psst Vern,

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Oh Vern! It's a good thing you're so stinkin' cute!! Oops, did I say stinkin'? LOL

[Sally M]

Is any subject sacred with you? LOL! You do write about almost anything and everything. Your dogs are probably extremely embarrassed. Ha! As always, good story! I have to admit, I've never heard of "Meadow Muffins". That's too nice of a word. I'll just continue using "poop". Besides, "Meadow Muffins" sound like mushrooms to me. But I guess you weren't washing mushrooms off of Vern in the river!