Rambling Notes to My Starlit

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

This is a collection of notes  to Starlit this week.  Just a random bunch of notes.  Not a pretty composition and somewhat long, but it's all I can do right now.  They were to  her  and she would understand.  She never judged my writing.  She never judged me at all. 

I had trouble writing something out in DK style. I had trouble talking about this to anyone. So I talked to her.

Starlit, I looked up in the sky the other night but there where so many stars. More stars than I had seen in a long time. You told me you would be there. Your song told me you were up there. I became overwhelmed. Which one are you. I couldn’t find you. I was holding Spud, but he didn't want to look up at some sky.  We are all so lost here without you. So damn lost.

Do you wiggle where you are? Are there sticks? Please tell me you have the whole couch to yourself. Is there someone to jump on and give really big hugs to? I hope so. We miss you.

Dad cries all day. I cry all day, but I try to hide it when I get home. It is too hard on Spud and Dad.I'm not doing a very good job and it's been days now.  We have to stop this  because Spud feels the enormous grief coming off of us.  I'm terribly worried about him.  I'll try to be stronger. How do I help Dad?  He told me before we got Spud,  " Please,no more dogs.  It is just to painful of a love to loose."  And then we got Spud and then you  :).  So glad we made the leap and had all this love and fun.  What joy you both bring to us both!  Dad was right though, it is too painful to loose you.

You were such a DIVA!  Geesh.  A high maintenance and needy diva.  Our days, our lives revolved around you.  What do we do now?  I obeyed your every command.  So tell me what to do now?  I'll do it.

How can I help Spud?  Please tell him to eat and drink and play. Frenzied Spud, who never stays still, now just curls in a ball and stares out at nothing. He's so lonely and nothing I do helps him. 

He knew when we came out room the vet's office you were not coming back with us.   I could not hide my pain. He puked. He knew.

 I'm trying to keep him busy, but it all comes back to you. He goes to your spot in the yard now. He's looking for you. He doesn't understand the stars in the sky thing. I tried to take him for a ride hoping it would help, but I know, I know he is hoping we are coming to get you back.  You know how expressive his face is and that we can read everything  he is feeling or thinking.  I could never read your face.  You always had me miffed.

I’ve spoiled him as much as I can. He gets to ride up front now. That toy, the one you always stole from him. The one made you made your favorite and didn’t like to share. The one you liked the most. The one he liked the most. He won't touch it any more. He won't even fetch it. It's here where you left it.  He must be saving it for you. How do I explain to him he can have it all to himself now? Why bother, he already knows.  I left both bowls on the floor but it bothered him. I finally pulled the big bowl up this morning. Hell, neither one of you ever liked getting served with the bigger bowl. You can't lie down and eat with that one.  The sides are too high.  I'll throw it out tonight, I suppose.  But it has your teeth marks all over it because you carried it around so much. That was funny the way you carried it back to bed with you when it was empty. All crashed out with your full belly.
I'm trying really really hard here but my heart feels really heavy. How can it feel so heavy when it’s empty? I keep telling myself you must be sitting on me big girl when I can't catch my breath.

The last few nights Dad's been gone and my sadness becomes mixed with fear with all the spooky noises.  The ones you must have heard, that I never did. It's just the old house creaking in the cold but I'm scared and I can't sleep. Even brave Spud gets scared. I never felt that alone at night when you were there. I didn't realize it until now.  You protected me too.  I didn’t know that until now. 

Hey, the Tripod came today.  Too late now.  We will never get that portrait perfected.  Spud and I needed it, but you always were so pretty to photograph. So what. I wanted one but ..... put that on the list of things we will never do. I have some pictures still in the camera. I haven't looked at them yet.  Maybe I should.I don't think I can.

I hope you know just how much,  I was madly in love you. It was love at first site. Every day, all day, I told you, "You're such a pretty girl. Such a beautiful and good girl. You' re my girl, Starlit. That’s my beautiful girl. My Star. " Of all the doodles, I'd pick you all over again. I was in awe of your beauty. It was LOVE AT FIRST SITE. There will never  be a dog for me, as beautiful as you were. What helps is knowing you adored us too. We were your world.

 

This song was on the radio when we left the vet. It seemed to be on loop and played forever. Ironic?  Maybe.  I can't help but think you left this for our comfort. It works. Most of the time.  But I cry every time I hear it.  You talk to your brother a lot in this song.  I still listen to it all day.  I can’t listen to, Hey Spud’s Sister ever again.   Again, Thanks for this. but it's a tough.  I can't sing the word, Star to him like the song says over and over. He starts looking for you. 

I'll put it here in your letter though. It is soothing to have playing in the back ground as I read and write.Just don't look at these spooky boys in the video. You know you'd hate them.  They are spooky for a sensitive girl like you  :)  

It's going to snow tonight. Big snow!  Finally. I was so happy with the mild weather but now I wish snow would have come sooner because you loved it so much.  This year was going to be different.  It was going to be a fun winter now that you could play in the yard since we put the fence in for you.   The fence made you so much more secure. You could play in the snow and get so silly.   Such a serious girl, snow made you happy.
They tell me there was something wrong with your brain; blood clot, a bleed, a seizure, a burst vessel, something was wrong. There was always something wrong though, wasn’t there?  It was always there in the back of your sweetness, your calmness, you couch potato silly laziness.   The fears, the aggression, the pain, and sadness in your eyes sometimes.  Please be peaceful now. Please don't be afraid anymore.  No one should ever have to live in so much fear.  You found out though, you didn't need to be so afraid. You were getting so much better. We worked it all out together.

You were a good girl, Starlit.  Such a sweet, quiet, sensitive dog. 
I'm so sorry I could not write you a beautiful tribute. Some sort of nice tribute to share with our friends here.

 It's been days and is just too hard. I don't know what to tell them.  I tried to write to them over and over but it all sounded mechanic.   Some happy acceptance blog as if I mourn but all is okay now.  It is not. I can laugh, and, joke, and worry with the best of them, but when it comes to my heart, I protect it just like I protected your heart too.

I could tell them all the little things; how I loved your funny feet, even though they pointed out like a duck and in the long run, as years went by this might cause you pain. I could tell them how you moaned so silly in your sleep. The way you failed the greeting training exercise because you just had to hug me.  Hugs and hugs and hugs to welcome me home. No cookie was worth giving up the hugs you got from Mom when she came home. How one hug was never enough, that you just needed ten. Maybe after that, a cookie was second best. I could say all kinds of things in your honor, but right now, nothing I write seems good enough for you, pretty girl.
I could tell them no doodle was so perfect like I find on so many profiles; the perfect dog, even temperament, happy, playful. You and I know, nothing is ideal in this world. You lived in fear, you longed to fight with each and every fear or just run and run and run away from it all. I can tell them to love and live with what they are so lucky to have. To accept their dogs unconditionally. To love them as the animals that dogs really are. To work really hard ....

I could say all kinds of things, but right now, I just want to talk to you.

 

Have I thanked you?  You taught me much. I've learned more about loving and working with and understanding dogs from you.  I always wanted so many answers on how to  help a dog like you.
I should have known to be careful of the answers you seek. You may not want to know. I know more now and it does not help.  Hey, rambling again.  I just want to thank you for all you had given me.  You were my soul sister too.

Hey, Spud counter-surfed last night. Can you believe it? He never has before.  My bad, but I looked the other way. So not worth sweating the small stuff anymore.  Maybe he thought you went up there and got lost. You were always on that counter.

Spud's still not doing well. Not a good night for him. I’m off work tomorrow and I promise to make it a good day for him.  He is fun to play with and it will help us both.

I don't want to go out and walk with Dad and Spud now. I always walked you. Who am I going to walk now?  I hate walking Spud.  You know I think he  is a pain to walk. You were a joy. That old leash was tattered with chew marks, but it was pretty, just like you. I'll save a piece and put it in my pocket so can be with us.  I have to hold on to something. The only other thing I have now is your collar and I would look really stupid wearing that all the time.  I’ll feel so empty on our walks.  Maybe I’ll save the hook and use it as a key chain. Sounds good, huh?    :)

 

I hope this letter finds you in peace. Hope there are no stranger dangers girl. That made you get old so fast. No more spookies.  I’m proud of you for working hard everyday to over come each spooker one by one. We worked together.  We were really a great team, huh?  I think so.  We rocked it girl.  I was so proud to be with the most beautiful doodle in the world.   I hope where you are it is full of kitties to nap all day and dogs to run through the fields and romp with.

Know that you are in my heart, always.

 

With so many tears, I hope these don’t go to waste.  May they fill up your heart, and make you full again.

Bye, Starlit.  I'll look for you again in the sky the next Starry Night.  It's so scarey to think I'll try again only to not find you all over again.  But I'll keep on trying this time.

You be a good Star. You are a good, Star,  I Loved you,  Mom

If you made it through the mess of this composition I have to tell you, we lost our Starlit suddenly earlier this week.   She was very sick and the vets could do nothing to help her.   She died in our arms. It was peaceful.  I'm overwhelmed.   It's lonely and quiet here.  But I know, with all the love here on DK, I have to come back and try.  I've missed my friends too.

<br /><small><a href="http://www.doodlekisses.com/photo/photo">Find more photos like this on <em>DoodleKisses.com</em></a></small><br />

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

My grandmother was a very proper Englishwoman who loved Lord Tennysons poems and she would always say this one when we lost something or someone as we were growing up:

I hold it true, whate'er befall
I feel it, when I sorrow most
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Your mother must have realized that as well, and I hope your DH will too.

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

The moment I started reading your tribute I got a lump in my throat ... I thought No, It Can't Be!  I kept reading, waiting for the story to take a turn, the further along I read the faster I read because I wanted it to take that turn!  I am so so very sorry that that turn never came.  I will never ever forget the first time her little face appeared on the DRC page.  She was so absolutely adorable, so unique.  That little white patch on her face and those little white toes just grabbed a piece of my heart.   I was absolutely ecstatic when I learned that you made the trip to adopt her as I knew that she was going to a very loving home where we would continue to get to see her on a regular basis and see what she became.  As I sit here in total shock, I can't even begin to imagine your loss.  Know that we are all here for you.  I'm happy that you found your way back here today and hope that the love you feel from everyone here will help your through this most difficult time.  Hugs to Spud from Lucy and Sophie.  Know that we will keep you all in our thoughts and prayers.  Much Love.  Sheri.

[Cindy M, Zachary & the Frenchies]

Joanne, I am so terribly sadden to hear of Starlit's passing. I can feel your pain, in your wonderful words to her. I understand this terrible pain you are feeling, but I also know that in time the memories come without tears. My sister told me once that the worst thing about living with dogs is that their life cycle does not sync with ours, however,  the irony of this cruel bit of biology is we get to share our lives with many dogs. It is clear that Starlit's time with you touched many.

[Rose]

Oh Joanne, I'm so shocked and saddened by this news. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

Oh my...this made me tear up...I am sorry for your loss of Starlit...I understand how difficult it is to lose a friend...I lost my first golden retriever (whom I had from when I was 6) in high school and I still tear up sometimes when I talk about him or look at his photos.

[Kathy (Ellie & Oliver)]

What a heart warming tribute to an amazing sweetheart!!!!  Like some of the others, I started to read faster as you were sharing your thoughts.  It became harder and harder to read because of the tears running down my cheeks.  I was so hoping that things were going to turn around.  You made such a difference to Starlit as she did to you!  I don't think our hearts ever fully heal when we lose one of our best buddies!  Will pray for you and your family!

[Linda, Webber and Seda]

Oh God, Joanne.  I cannot put words to how sorry I am that you no longer have Starlit at your side.  Having lost a doodle suddenly, I know how agonizing this pain can be for the humans and dogs left behind.  I will be thinking of you and Starlit every time I shoot the moon and see the stars.  Your letter to Starlit was a wonderful tribute.  Please keep in touch.

[Leslie and Halas]

Oh my God, Joanne, I had no idea until I read this.  I'm so, so sorry!  I can't imagine the sense of loss you are all feeling.  I hope you do take some comfort from knowing she is in the stars.  You have some wonderful memories, and you gave Starlit a wonderful life.  I'm so sorry for all of you.

[Leslie and Halas]

And in regards to this, "I'm so sorry I could not write you a beautiful tribute. Some sort of nice tribute to share with our friends here." you have it wrong.  This is a BEAUTIFUL tribute to your beautiful girl.

[Becka]

I agree--it's the most beautiful tribute I can imagine.

[Carol and Banjo]

Oh no!  Dear Joanne....my heart is  breaking for you, for Roger and for sweet Spud.   I'll always remember your warm greeting to me when I first joined DK and going to your page for the first time - it was clear to me how "over the moon" you were about Starlit and Spud.   Your page "oozed" of your adoration.   Starlit's beauty showed in every picture there. 

You could not have written a more loving, sweet tribute to your beautiful girl.  Please know she'll be missed by so many of us here on DK.    I'll think of Starlit every time I look to the night sky and say a little prayer just for her.  Our "Moon Shots" will always be just a little more special Joanne.   I wish I could give you the hug I have in my heart.

Rest in peace Starlit.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Oh. I am so very sorry.  I don't know what to say because actually I am in shock.  This is so very sad, dear dear gorgoeus Starlit, what a beautifully moving tribute and what a loss.