DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER

[Pam and Ginger Snap]

Hi All,

I have been on this site for a year and a half. I have gotten some great advise and made some nice friends.  I have gotten great grooming tips, food advice, lots of laughs and a few tears.  However, I have noticed recently when people ask questions, there is a tendency to be a little forceful with answers.  A lot of people are asking  questions or looking for solutions for real problems....aggressive dogs, food issues, re-homing issues...and instead of lending a sympathetic ear and helpful advice, there seems to be some quick responses with judging comments.  Often times I feel sorry for the person asking the question, and some of the answers are mean-spirited.  Some are very helpful.

Sometimes people don't see previous posts.  When someone re-posts something, or asks a question, again...the poster is not doing it to be a pain...maybe they just didn't see the original post.

I like this site. I like knowing peoples stories, and their pups.

I hope that this post can make people think twice before they post an answer to a post, where the poster is seeking advice.  The advice might be something that the poster does not like, but it can be stated in a kinder way.

For example, I am really nervous that people are going to react harshly to this post.

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

Great points BG. I find this particularly frustrating when the poster has joined for the specific purpose of trying to find someone to take their doodle off their hands as if some stranger will magically jump forward and say "no worries, I'll take him!" and that will be that.

 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

It's emotional blackmail, and I learned the hard way a long time ago not to tolerate that.

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

On the other side of this Linda BG is the hope that even if they leave DK after a brief visit that somehow we have been able to plant a seed that in time will help them understand their dog and their approach to dog ownership in a different light.  We're trying to get the light bulb to turn on but sometimes it's a three way bulb! LOL!

Also, there are periods in a person's life when they don't have time to spend sharing info on a website but can still use help once in a while. Perhaps they can pay it forward later in life when they have more time or in another way then on line. Just because we don't see it or benefit from it doesn't mean that those people are not sharing what they learn here.

[Shannon and Finn]

You are awesome, Pam. I rarely find direct approaches to be useful with people since someone asking for help is vulnerable and kicking them when they're down can be overwhelming and counter productive. Be Kind is our family rule, too, it's framed on the wall. I teach my son that you have to be kind even if you don't agree or like someone. I haven't seen anyone putting their dogs in immediate harm here, usually the complete opposite! Everyone seems to be passionate and very concerned about being model dog owners, it's awesome. I have a way I learned in running therapy groups that works well when you need to give direct advice, it is a kindness sandwich. Say something validating and kind, then give your direct opinion, then say something validating and kind. ;)

[BG and Gavin]

it is a kindness sandwich. Say something validating and kind, then give your direct opinion, then say something validating and kind. ;)

 

In group we call that roses and onions.  In private we call it a **it sandwich ;)

[Joyce & Wilson]

LOL!!  Good one BruceGirl!!

[Shannon and Finn]

True! I can be reactive when I am passionate or annoyed so I find it a helpful tool to keep ME from being too aggressive in my personal response. Works like a charm with my DH when he forgets to do his "chores"! It can keep the other person from getting defensive and shutting down to the actual message too. It's so hard on a written forum since you don't really know the other people for a while and cant gauge their communication styles or preferences. I haven't seen anyone be mean intentionally and I have read a ton of this site even before joining. I also don't think it's rude to link back to a previous discussion if you have already covered a topic. Some people are new to forum worlds and need to learn how it works. I also crack up but love the smiley face after a direct comment, it's a funny way we have adapted non verbals to written worlds! ;)

[Pam and Ginger Snap]

That's what we do as teachers in a Parent Teacher conference!  "Sandwich" the news!

[Traci -Bexter & Maggie]

Pam,

You're a teacher?  Funny!  As soon as I read BG's comment about "sandwiching" your comment, I immediately thought that's what I do when I talk with parents! 

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

LOL!

[Diana Erhart]

Amen, Pam.  Although the internet is a great tool for gathering information and asking for advice the writer's tone is lost.  We all need to read and re-read our posts to make sure we are writing what we mean to say.  I agree with BruceGirl in that if you have something negative or criticizing to say surround it with some positives.  And try to empathize with what other people are dealing with in their situation.  Thanks for the post!

[Shannon and Finn]

Yes, absolutely and there is a big learning curve!  I remember getting "feedback" on my written communication skills in a previous job and I was offended/hurt/confused/annoyed.  My mentor told me that I was under no circumstances allowed to quit communicating because my messages were often good or correct but that it would get me no where if I didn't learn how to allow someone to hear it.  I tended to just get to the point in my emails since I was busy and didn't have time.  At first I was stubborn about it and then I realized by spending the time, I gained a lot of time back later and also learned how to listen better as a result.  It was a hard lesson to learn and took a lot of self-awareness and honesty and some ego shattering on my part but it was worth it.  Empathy is sometimes a natural gift and sometimes a hard earned skill.  I love that this is a passionate discussion.