Feeling like I am being forced to go to two funerals for my mother...

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

I am having an emotional dilemma...My mother's funeral was a week ago tomorrow and that was a very difficult day for me and my dad and sister obviously. Her funeral was in Bermuda where my parents lived (where I grew up) and though my mom's family is from NJ, my aunt and cousin came down to Bermuda for the funeral as well (which I would think is appropriate). But MANY people here did not come to the funeral and it upsets me because if this were one of them, my mother would have flown here in a heartbeat to be here with the family and say goodbye. Of course coming to Bermuda for a funeral wasn't convenient for people so they expect for us to hold a memorial service in NJ for my mom so that THEY can say their goodbyes. But to me...OF COURSE it wasn't CONVENIENT...it's a FUNERAL...

Now they want to have a memorial service here in two weeks (with a pastor that i cannot stand) and I don't feel like my family and I should be tortured with basically going through another funeral for my mom three weeks after her REAL one to satisfy others' who didn't get to say their goodbyes...I was at the real one and this was MY mother...do people really think that I want to go through that all over again?

Is it okay for me to say I do not want to go? They can do what they want to satisfy their own guilt and feelings or whatever this is, but I want to move on, I don't want to go backwards...it is difficult enough as it is.

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

My mom wouldn't force me to go to do this...especially because she would know that the certain family members I am upset with are ones that always make things about themselves.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Katie, I totally understand why you are feeling this way. It is such a trying time. I do however understand that the family that could not attend would want to say their own goodbyes. Think of it as an honor that they loved her so much that they want to say their own goodbyes. You do not have to attend nor do you have to arrange it...tell them you emotionally can not do it.

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Katie - could you maybe just take a few days before you decide.  Kinda let the idea sink and really give it some thought?  I know you are grieving, hurt, perhaps even a bit angry.  It might help to realize how loved your mom was that they feel the desire to say good-bye to her.  I like the idea of it being more a celebration of her life and in two weeks you might be more open to that.  Why didn't more of them make the trip - perhaps they wanted to but could not afford it, the older people get the less they feel that they can travel, who knows - just don't let this weigh down your already heavy heart!  Don't let anyone pressure you into doing what goes against your heart though, she was your mother - you get to make this decision.  Just give is some thought.  Hugs to you Katie!!!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I think we all grieve in our own way.  When I lost my Mom the funeral and then the celebration of her life afterwards were really important to me.  I loved hearing other family members and her friends sharing stories about her and the time they had spent together.  It really helped me at that difficult time.  I think there may be lots of reasons why some of the family didn't make the trip to Bermuda, and some were likely "good reasons" while others were not.  In any event, you certainly have the right to not attend if this is going to be too difficult for you, and nobody should question that decision.  I'm wondering how your Dad and sister feel about this.  Katie, this is such a beautiful photo of your Mom with her "girls", and I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Amy, Cubbie & Ollie]

Memorials and funerals are to give the living a time to say their good-byes and have their closure.  You have already done that.  You presence (or lack of) at this second service should not be an issue for your family.  I would suggest that you talk to them and explain how difficult this has been for you emotionally and that you don't feel you are able to go through this process again because it will open those wounds.  Explain that you respect their decision to have this service but ask that they respect your decision to continue your grieving/healing in your own way now.  Hopefully they will understand.  Of course this is all easier said than done.  I hope you find a solution that works for you and that your family understands.  I'll keep you in my thoughts. 

[Kaytlin and Cooper]

i understand perhaps why some people did not go (work, finances etc) and need to say goodbye in their own way. However, I feel that if you do not want to go, you shouldnt have to. i remember my dads funeral when i was 19, i certainly wouldnt want to do that twice, it was so emotional, draining, and difficult

[Sharon & Monty]

I'm sorry for your loss.  I certainly understand how you feel.  When my dads wife died suddenly and unexpectantly, it was awful.  We had services nearby where we all lived, she had many, many friends.  She had grown up in another part of the state and it was decided to have services and burial in her hometown.  I thought I would never get through it, but I had to be my dads rock, he was so lost.  So a week later we traveled across the state and had another service.  It was as difficult as I expected, but it was amazing to see the outpouring of comfort from her relatives and the people Jennifer had grown up with.  As others have mentioned, I too think it your choice, memorial services are for the living, it is how most people cope.  

Hang in there Katie, HUGS. 

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

Yah...my dad didn't even want this though...we were all at the real funeral, we were all at the hospital when she died...we have said our goodbyes. I am tired of pleasing everyone else when it isn't about them at all in this situation. Really shows what my future will be like in this family without my mom because now we are no one's priority and our kids will never be anyone's priority.

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

You and your DH will have to be each other's priority and then your children will be both of your priorities when that time comes. Katie, I know it must be hard to see it now, but the sun will shine again! Your life will be good again -- different than before -- but still good, I promise!

My children were never anyone else's priorities but mine and my DH's, even though we had plenty of family around. You can always add friends to your circle who will love your kids -- we have friends who are closer to our children than family members are. Your "family" can be as large as you want it to be.

[Bonnie and Kona]

I am so sorry that in addition to the sorrow you have at the loss of your dear mother, you are facing a difficult family situation. I would feel completely free to let others know this is just too hard for me and thank them for wanting to honor my mom with a memorial service. (Even if you don't feel grateful to them, thanking them will diffuse the possibility of promoting disharmony in the family). After losing my sister to cancer at 55, I discovered that everyone grieves differently. If it will help your family to have their own memorial service... then that's fine, but you do not have to participate. When I lost my sister I had in-laws tell me that I was grieving the "wrong" way. We all do the best we can. I hope this resolves in a way that is comfortable for you and for your mother's relatives. I am so sorry for your loss, Katie. 

[Ellen Patrick]

You do what's right for you. No need to pander to the lazy. If they couldn't get off their butts and go to the "real" funeral, they should go visit the grave site after it's erected.

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

Thank you. I am so tired of being a people pleaser and I need to learn how to make it about myself sometimes and this I think is one of those times...