Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

It came across as I intended then.  If I was being all friendly and nice about it I would have added some LOL's and :-) :-)   

The point I was trying to make is a forum is for expressing your "opinion" and giving advice.  Who want's to partake in a forum where they are going to be "judged"?  

I think most people can related to agreeing to disagree BUT at the same time when you are an adult in a public forum I do not think anyone should be downright rude and insulting to get their point across.  Sure there are heated discussions and people are passionate but again, I have seen that many times but the passionate person can express themselves without being mean-spirited and insulting.   I have been a DK member for over 3 years now and I can say in the last 6 months I have seen more negativity directed personally at other members than I have in the years previous to that combined.  In no way is this directed at any specific member or discussion it's very much an overall feeling.

[AndySharon BoomerShaynaMariner]

Denise -

You are making a general comment without giving any specifics - there may be heated discussions but "negativity directed personally at other members" is few and far between,  I believe your "overall feeling" is incorrect.

I have been a member for over 4 year (May of 2008) and have been involved in heated discussions and have disagreed with some people who I consider my DK friends.  There are times when we agree to disagree and there are times when someone has been mistaken.  I have butted heads with Clark.  Although we don't always agree I respect him.  I can remember a heated discussion on electric fences and a puppy being killed by a car. It wasn't until late in the discussion that some pertinent facts were discovered and much of what was said was based upon wrong assumptions.

 

My point is that no one took any of this personally and we all realize that each one of us has the welfare of the dogs at heart.

 

I have learned from mistakes others have made and mistakes I have made.  I would not be on this forum if I did not think I could make a difference.

 

My question to you is: How would you respond to someone that was going to euthanize a doodle because it was having seizures?

I responded with both information on managing seizures and when I was getting no where with that on advise as to re-homing.  Unfortunately the doodle with a mild seizure disorder was PTS.  I was devastated.  I will do everything I can to make sure that does not happen again.  If that means speaking my mind and maybe not coming accross as a nice guy - so be it.  Yes - I will judge anyone who harms an innocent creature - an animal, a child, a disabled individual, etc.  And I am willing to be judged by my actions.  I feel sorry for anyone that is not willing to judged by their actions.

 

Our doodles come first!!!

 

 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I remember that discussion on electric fences. I spoke out against them and you were very offended by my comments, although they were not meant to be offensive. It never occurred to me that for dogs like Mariner, who can't see a physical fence, an electric fence would be the perfect solution.

Nevertheless, we somehow went on to develop respect for each other, and a true friendship.

Out of heated disagreement, good things can happen.

 

 

[AndySharon BoomerShaynaMariner]

Yes we disagreed.  That did not change my understanding that Karen is a concerned person and her opinions and knowledge can only help us all become better doodle parents.

 

 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Amen & hallelujah, LM.

[Jarka, Monty & Auggie]

You could not have said it better.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Truly I don't want to get involved. But I would like to get one idea across. I think we can criticize someone's actions or disagree with their opinions. But I do think personal attacks are unpleasant, and not productive. They shut down rational debate and get none of us anywhere.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Amen font.

Wow, I feel like I'm in church!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

There was a discussion the other day that got ugly.  I think it could have been very productive but a few responses crowded some good ideas. Nothing moved forward.  But  hey, it happens.

I think we get a lot done around here: Love learn live, more than not

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I like to go back and read the discussions because I don't have time during the day to take part generally, I find even when I want to comment or offer suggestion that I don't because I have been seeing to many personal character attacks.  

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Denise, if you are truly seeing personal attacks against someone's character, all you have to do is report it, as that is against the DK Guidelines. Although if I saw someone being personally attacked, I would also stand up for the person right then and there.

I read every discussion that is posted here, and the only personal attacks I have seen have been made by the original poster and directed at someone who didn't give the answer he or she wanted. I have yet to see anyone personally attacked for offering a suggestion.

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Just a little warning about going back later, you might not be getting the whole truth, seems when one OP didn't like how a discussion was going - he went back and did a whole lot of editing - to make himself look better which only reinforced my entire point of was this person being truthful, conducting their business in a mature and ethical way.