Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

I so agree Joanne, I chose to stay out of that post as there was no noun, pronoun, verb, adj, empathy, sympathy, respect or compassion that I could write that wouldn't come out sounding fake or judgmental. I have had MANY differences of opinion with this poster and many of our DKrs have been much more tolerant and kind than I could be and knew if I waited long enough their real self would show through as it has. But it has been hard to NOT voice my opinion, ask sensitive questions and be otherwise true to my own beliefs at the risk of hurting someone's feelings, and somewhat going against popular beliefs that this person is genuinely caring and doing what's best for their dog. I don't know how to respond in a totally intellectual, grammatically and politically correct way, and leave my gut wrenching feelings out of it too. So I stay out of it , keep my opinion to myselfand let the actions speak for themselves. at least with some posters. Some times I think we can be a little too sugar coating so that we don't hurt someone's feelings. Is that the right thing to do either, when now ANOTHER dog will be at risk in some people's hands because they "want a dog". I don't know, that's for sure.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

So, contrary to the original discussion premise it seems that sometimes we are not forthright and open enough to deal with that sort of disgusting behavior. Perhaps we should have said exactly what we felt and not held back for politeness and PC sake.  Perhaps that is what is wrong, we are too polite, too frightened to 'upset' peoples sensitivities.  Meanwhile dogs suffer...: (

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Nicky, I guess you summed it up completely.  Discussion over.  There really is no way to be PC on a topic such as the Man and his girl dog, that he just no longer wanted and never really liked in the first place. He just wanted an ALD

Replies can be closed now for this discussion. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

You are exactly right, Sue, and you've exactly expressed what so many of us here feel about it.

And I could just puke when I think about all the time, effort, advice, worry, and handholding that so many people put into trying to help this person, from day one, and for what?

I certainly hope nobody here is going to be sucked in on this next go round.

[Adina P]

Not sugar coating sometimes is helpful or can make a difference in results or someone's life.  Other times it only makes us feel good or allows us to unload our emotions (cathartic).  So I guess that's an important consideration.  When does it really help matters?  I don't have the answer to any specific instances, just a thought. 

Sometimes what we think as 'the truth' is our opinion.  One of my professors always used to say "Always tell the truth but don't always be telling it."  The extreme would be the difference between answering honestly when your friend asks if a certain dress is flattering vs. going around and telling everyone you run into what you think of their outfit. 

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Where the heck have you been?  You are always the voice of reason.  Actually, I feel better now.  Thank you.  Off to play with my dog  :)

[ClarkP]

I think the truth is somewhere in the middle.  Dogs are not more important than people and we shouldn't assert that they are.  Dogs DO need advocates and we have tons of wonderful dog advocates here on DK.  So we have that part covered.  :-)  But we can't let that cause us to disregard other people.  They are pretty important too.

I am not defending the actions of any member here, so I'm not on anyone's side.  I will certainly say that I see problems in the actions of people on both sides of this.

A big part of the problem as I see it is making assumptions and then treating them as fact.  Once you have labeled your own assumption as fact, you can then take the other person to task for what they did in a pretty devastatingly personal fashion.  But shouldn't we question some of the assumptions first?  Because it only takes one bad assumption treated as fact to turn a discussion into a nasty personal battle.  They WILL fight back because you are stating things that you simply cannot know (and are most likely wrong).  So here's one assumption that no one here could possibly know:  How another member bonded with their dog.  Seriously, how could anyone know that?  They didn't bond because they complained about them?  Who hasn't complained about the people and things that they love the most?

So, the moment someone tells me that I have never really bonded with my wife and then proceeds to tell me how that fits with my behavior of X, Y, and Z... it's ON!  The fight has started!  It doesn't matter how poor my behavior of X, Y, or Z was.  It might be completely indefensible.  But why not talk about those things that are based completely in fact?  Creating a motive or narrative around why something happened or what someone else's motives are will lead to the spreading of falsehood.  You have now made up false stuff about me, proclaimed it as fact, and are saying negative stuff about me based on it.  It's really tough to tone down the confrontation that follows.

We do need to hold people accountable for their actions.  We don't need to treat anyone poorly because they did something we would not do.  We are quite free to disagree.  We do need to remember that people are just as important as dogs.  So saying "I really disagree with you doing X" is a world apart from saying "You never loved her so that's why you are doing X, Y, and Z".  That's when it becomes personal.  And negative personal attacks are what we try to avoid.

/Clark

PS.  Yes, I know, I don't always take my own advice.  I enjoy delivering a good written spanking as much as anyone... but I really try to base everything I do on verifiable facts or quotes from the other party.  So putting words in someone else's mouth or assuming motives and feelings in their mind - I really try to avoid that.

[Pat and Traveler]

Oh, thanks Clark!  You have saved my trying to put something similar into words, and believe me it wouldn't have sounded anywhere near as good as this!

[Carol and Banjo]

I'm going out on a limb and assuming that you and Adina are perfect for one another.    Thank you Clark for putting my head back on straight.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Excellent points Clark. It is all too easy to make assumptions. People can't even fathom all of their own motivations let alone other's. And in the end it is not thoughts or feelings but behavior that is what should be open for discussion.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Clark, he did post, he was having trouble bonding. I made no assumption with that statement.   As a mother,  I completely understand the bonding issue, with dogs, kids, husbands, etc.  ..... well let me say,   he had expressed this fact.  You may find this is many of his posts. He even asked for help with the issue on several occasions.  

It was not a derogatory statement.  It was a statement(s) he made that brought me to conclusion.

[ClarkP]

I understand.  So then use quotes from them.  That way only their words are used.

There is a lot of difference between me saying "I'm having a hard time bonding with my wife" and someone else, after they heard me say that (and other similar things) saying definitively "you never bonded with Adina".  The first statement may be completely true while at the very same time the second statement is completely false.

The moment someone else summarizes my position on any topic, is the moment they are almost certainly stating something I have never said or don't feel or believe.  And if their summary of me puts me in a negative light... again, the fight is on.

But if confronted with my own words, the whole thing will probably be much closer to the truth.