Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[ClarkP]

Karen,

Adina will buy one to hang over my desk too. (Did I just ruin my Christmas surprise?  Shoot!!!)

/Clark

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Laurie, we have another customer here!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I am going to be rich :)

[F, Calla & Luca]

Gee, I'd never get to sleep.

[ClarkP]

No one said it was easy being right all the time!  ;-)  But you should really be used to it by now.

[Jennifer and Jack]

This is probably one of my favorite quotes in the world..

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

So true! On both counts :)

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

I feel the goal would be to educate someone. To bring a change of thinking into what is truely a responsible pet owner and what blatantly is NOT. To show someone that there are options and alternatives and other solutions regarding what is BEST for a dog. "Tthat makes me sad" is sugar-coating it again in my opinion. But you have been and always will be a better voice of reason and much more PC than I will probably ever be, and that is why we so respect your opinions.
I do feel something should be said with the best intentions of protecting any future dogs from this fate. Nancy hit it right on the nose. But the long and short of it is, things probably will not change in this case as it takes a person with a certain level of maturity to be open to constructive criticism and I do not feel that is the case here.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I would not have replied had I been given the chance before the discussion was closed due to cowardice, exactly for the reason that there was nothing to say. Actually, there was plenty to say, but it would have served no purpose except to get me kicked off DK.

There are a few people here who sadly are more concerned with soothing the feelings of other adults who have the power of reasoning and the freedom of choice than they are about a helpless sick dog being abandoned, or an innocent puppy who is headed for the same fate. It sometimes seems to me that there is nothing anyone could say here that some "people person" with their own self-esteem issues will not condone and approve.

"I was so frustrated with my puppy's barking, I just threw her in front of a bus. I feel so bad about it, but she wouldn't stop barking, and my kids couldn't hear the TV. Am I a horrible dog mom?"

"Oh, you poor thing! Of course you aren't a horrible dog mom! You have to put your kids first!"

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Joanne, I don't even read what you posted.  I never once said that I was referring to two specific topics that were recent discussions.  That was an assumption that many people are making.  It was my observation to posts over the last 6+ months and that people asking questions, talking about decisions they have made or ways that they have handled something that people immediately judge without stopping for a second to think there is more to the situation.  

I look at the Doodle Debate Club and there have been some very heated debates but I can honestly say no one in the debates has ever been outright disrespectful to anther contributor for not sharing their opinion.   

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

My biggest problem with all of this is that we are expecting that people are being honest.  Honest in their post, honest in their replies.  You cannot reason with facts to a B.S.er, a lier, an unethical person.  A public forum is just that - public - anyone and everyone is invited.  Most people come with pure motives and others do not.  And yet when you do the research to find the facts by using a public, free search engine (Google)  - then you are accused of "trying to dig up ammo" or dirt.  I can proclaim myself to be anything I want - that does not make it true. 

 

 

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

The assumption is being made that I am referring to two specific posts and I am not at all.  I didn't even follow those posts to the extent that I could form an opinion one way or the other.  I am referring to posts that people asked general questions and had obviously not spent their time doing tons of research first and were given replies that were downright condescending and disrespectful.  There are people that have made decisions that everyone didn't agree with, that's life, everyone doesn't always agree but you will never convince me that by being disrespectful is going to make someone see your point of view quicker than trying a little respect first.  There are plenty of people that are great, responsible dog owners that are not up on everything as DK members are, does that make them bad people?  Absolutely not!