Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Absolutely agree Karen.  In my opinion this is the most judgmental discussion I have seen here. At nearly 53 I really don't need anyone telling me how to behave on a public forum.  Honesty is a much more important attribute.  

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Karen, I do agree with you, I think there are many that are somewhat missing my point.  I was not referring to the two specific posts that keep coming up.  In the last 6+ months it seems that every time I have come to DK that I have been hesitant to ask questions or to contribute for fear of backlash.  If I am feeling this after being a member for 3+ years I know I am not the only one.  

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

If you are having fear of backlash I find it very ironic that you would post this topic.  The door is always open to join and open to leave.  Feel free.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I think sometimes we should keep our opinions to ourselves and I think sometimes we need to let them out. 

I think sometimes we need to be the nagging conscience or the "DUH-what-was-I-thinking" part of our friends' brains.

I think it is important to be as polite as you can be while stating your opinion, but my idea of diplomatic may not be yours. 

I know that we  need to teach our children good manners and responsible behavior and that there are consequences. So many parents of today do not; they are too busy being their child's best friend.  I think we might differ on how that can be accomplished, however I applaud

I know I value all of your friendships and opinions, and while we might come from very different backgrounds and life experiences, most of us agree that our doodles are the best ever and should be loved and respected. Because dogs and children cannot speak for themselves, we are obligated to be their advocates and their protectors and teachers.

[L.M.]

Can I steal everything you just said and use it with my high school students when I go back to school this fall??  =)  

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

LOL Go for it!!  I really feel that members need to realize that every single person that comes to DK is not educated on what rescues are, what puppy mills are, what back yard breeders are, what is good food/bad food.  I see people join that are just uninformed and the comments they receive to posts, comments and questions are just so mean-spirited and insulting to a degree.  When I joined DK I knew nothing about owning a dog let alone a doodle.  I thought Beneful was a great food because they had cute commercials!  I didn't realize all the health testing involved or what I should look for in a breeder.  When you look for other breed specific forums you mostly find breeders and AKC/show groups.  This is a unique group and many people do not look for a group online like this before they look for their next four legged family member.  People have circumstances come up in life that people claim "they would never let happen", no one can predict what will happen in the future or what you would do or have the resources to do if they were in someone else's position.  Maybe there are members with unlimited funds, resources, etc. but I am sure there are just as many that have to live within their means and don't have the same resources.  Does that mean you cannot be a responsible doodle owner?  Absolutely not!  It's like having kids, if you wait for the perfect time it will never happen.  No one will ever have enough money, or enough time or the perfect circumstance.  It's just life and when speaking to others who are looking for help, answers, or reassurances or just a sounding board that it does not have to be judged and critiqued.  

[L.M.]

I'm seeing this discussion going in so many different directions...and I'm not really sure which direction it was intended to go in...but anyway....here's where I'm taking it...lol  =) 

I think what has been happening lately is that people are losing the understanding as to what Doodlekisses actually is....it's the Internet...it's online....it's typed language.  It's totally amazing, don't get me wrong!!  BUT it's an online segment of our world.  There are going to be misinterpretations and criticisms and opinions.  There are going to be major judgments made because it's impossible to not do so!  It's completely impossible to avoid it when our sole mode of communication is the internet.  People reading a post have nothing more than what is typed to respond to and many times this is going to lead to a brutally honest answer...which for me, personally, is why I LOVE DK.  It's honest...

I know this isn't the case for all of you, but in my case, I don't know any of you on a truly personal level...so when I come here for straightforward, opinionated, and yes, maybe sometimes critical advice, I get it...and I appreciate it!  The internet, in this case, can't come with sugarcoating...if it did, what would be the point?  After all, we are asking one another to share our opinions and experiences with the hope of learning from it.  

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Bravo.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Amen.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Amen font

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

Totally.

Isn't the whole purpose of posting something in a forum to ask for other people's judgements?

Everyone has the right to their opinion, including Densie, but see, here we have someone who's intention is to politely ask for more civility, and the first thing I feel is that this is a bit condascending, and like Karen pointed out, counter-judgemental. Even if that wasn't the intention that is how it comes across to some. So you see, no matter how polite you try to be about expressing your views and no matter how well-intentioned you are, there will always be someone who feels differently. I think we should all just let each other be and get on with it.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Amen.