Saturday Morning Funny!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I saw this today on Facebook and it started my day off with a smile. I thought I would share. 

WTD??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s******* me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Hilarious!!  What's really scary, though, is that most of the idiocy was on the part of the attorneys - who SHOULD BE at least relatively smart!!!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

These are hysterical....thanks Laurie.

[Lynne and Riley]

Hilarious! Thanks, I needed a chuckle this morning.

[Sheila & Finnley]

There are not many things that actually make me laugh out loud. That drives my kids nuts when we watch TV, or a Movie together. This however made me not only laugh out loud, but I couldn't stop laughing while reading it to my DH in the other room.

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

Unfortunately, too many attorneys, (whether they are "smart" or not) are so busy asking questions they don't think about the content.  I have been at many, many depositions that could have been completed in far less time with far less inane questions if the attorney had been listening to both himself and the witness.  

That said, these are funny!  

[Jennifer and Jack]

Oh my gosh if you knew how bad I needed to laugh this morning...I am going to have to get the book....that is hysterical!!!!!

Thank you for making me laugh!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

My DD just came running into the room to see what was so funny! Laurie, thank you, I SO needed this today! 

[Pat and Traveler]

Hilarious!  Gotta love how the witnesses react to inane questions.  :)

[Adrienne]

Too funny, and I am a former attorney.  LOL!!

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

I haven't laughed till I cried in ages. Thank you so much. The only problem with that is I'm sitting alone in my office at work and people can hear me.......

[Diane and Alma]

Thanks for the laugh.  Now I have to go do my bills.  But I'll be smiling as I work : )

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

I am with this guy! OMD!