Time for medication for Stew. Need Advice & help please!

[Jess & Stewart]

We had a training session Monday night. Earlier that day, Stew went in crate in the morning, then busted out of it. He scratched at the doors until one unlocked, squeezed out one side, got partially stuck, then crate toppled over him and he managed to get out. Now yet another thing to traumatize him and make the anxiety WORSE!!!!

Trainer said Stew's behavior raises MANY red flags.

1) He  isn't motivated by what dogs are usually motivated by.

2) Unresponsive in general 70% of the time, aloof. Stands or lays down with head down, white of eyes staring up at you, not moving when you try to engage or get him to come to you. He does engage more with other people, but barely regards me. Although he does have periods of excitement, wiggles etc (when finally focused on play, seeing other people & dogs)

3) Guards very odd/weird objects that wouldn't normally be motivating to a dog to guard (vomit, a magnet that falls on the floor etc)

4)Unresponsiveness & guarding has developed in Stew's head as a "game"- what can I get and guard, how long do I need to sit/stay/stand for Jess to give up and not put me in crate, leave me be, not call me etc. 

I don' want to get raked over coals for this but I cried during the session and said all I wanted was a nice dog and I had first pick and why didn't I see that Stew would turn into Cujo and is he not able to be rehabbed and is he really, honestly a weird dog. Am I stuck with this for 10-13 more years where he HATES me and what did I do wrong. That I literally did EVERYTHING right (or I thought) from the beginning). He's not abused or hit, he gets everything he needs etc. 

Then Stew just looked so cute sitting and listening to us that I said "See, you lookso cute, handsome and playful now Stew, why aren';t you like that all the time?" The trainer said "It's good you see the good in Stew". I said 'no offense, but DO YOU?" All I do is stress over him and he doesn't seem to give a s***." Can he really turn around or is this really his behavior" To which he  said "well all dogs are different and Stew is just challenging. Which IMO, was totally not an answer as I'm clearly freaking out about him. 

Then said maybe we need to think of medication and gave me the name of someone, but caveat that the sessions are long, expensive and very clinical. That they aren't as concerned with certain behaviors like he is as the trainer. Then left it, that were not even trying to get him in the crate and will try to manage my apt by just getting it all behind closed doors (my small bathroom) until we figure out a soultion. 

Last night, my mom & I needed to leave and leave him. We left him out of the crate since we didnt want him hurting himself getting out. Shoved tons of stuff in bathroom, barricaded closet. He didnt bark as we left. Came home, the front door had paint scratched off, bedroom door open, closet door tried to open, scratch marks and paint off. 

What the heck can I do before I get meds and/or secure locks on my doors? Thankfully I'm off tomorrow. HELP!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

What on earth does that have to do with the the supposed reasons you are "freaking out about him",  "behavior that raises MANY red flags"???? Not motivated by what other dogs are motivated by, unresponsive 70% of the time, aloof, guarding weird objects, etc.? The things for which you are contemplating medicating him? Which is supposedly the topic of this whole discussion? 

[Jess & Stewart]

I was replying to Jane asking if he was shut in a bathroom & the previous replies about either letting him into the bedroom or make sure he can't get things behind those doors.

I haven't gotten many replies about experiences others have had medicating. I've made an appt with the in home behaviorist & my trainer. We're going to go through everything since I'm really not sure about it. But want to keep an appt & keep up with the training sessions rather than get discouraged, thinking the things they say won't work long term, as I've done previously. Now of course I realize with 20/20 hindsight that I should have continued after the first training session at 7-8 months old.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

How many hours a day/night is Stew home alone?  Do you think with his issues he would be happier and more balanced if he were in a home where people were there with him most of the time?  If the answer to this is "yes", then you need to think about doing what's best for this poor dog.

[Jess & Stewart]

Sorry Jane, I replied to another one of your posts. He was not shut in my bathroom. Things that were out that were in the process of being unpacked were put in the bathroom since the door shuts fully. He was left out. We thought he may not open the bedroom doors since they were tighter than my old ones but he did.

I said in the other post that I may just leave him with access to the bedroom if the locks don't work on Monday & he may just want to lay on my bed. Provided he can't get into my closet & I put in more safeguards for my laundry/fabric etc.

I did say in response to Nancy's post about being over what I thought I wanted in a dog & that the original dog I thought I was going to pick would have been a horrible match for me, which was evident once I saw the dog within the litter. So, after that, Stew was the best fit according to my breeder. He's just obviously gotten the upper hand.

[Jessica, Loki and Moose]

I mean this in the nicest way possible but if he's only had two issues since March then I'm curious what your standards are for a "good calm dog". Because I think most dogs around the age of two or younger all have their puppy times where they get into things and cause trouble. They are dogs that's what they do. If you wanted a pet that was basically guaranteed to not cause problems a dog is the last indoor pet I would think would make sense. I know you don't want to get "ranked over the coals" but I think you should try and read your posts as a third party, your posts are very high strung and make him seem to be so horrible and then your replies to people's responses are basically backtracking or taking back some of the things you originally said. Like I said I really do not mean for this to be mean but I have trouble actually picturing Stew in my mind because half of your posts make him seem completly normal. If everything in your original post is true then I completely agree with everyone that you either need to change yourself and your energy/attitude or you need to look for a new home for Stew. I know that is heartbreaking to consider. I had to rehome a cat when I started taking call at the hospital in school and it was such a hard thing to do but my cat was getting destructive and was not happy. The rescue that re homed him was great and placed him in a family of 6 were the mom was a stay at home mom to better accommodate the cat. To be perfectly honest I cried all the time before I finally decided to re home him because I felt like a horrible person and I felt like I was screwing everything up and worst of all I felt horrible that my cat was clearly miserable! It is very calming to know now that he is having a good life with his new family. I still feel a little guilty about not being the perfect pet parent for him but in hind sight that was a bad time in my life for a pet and the family he is with now is much better suited for him. Fast forward 5 years and I now am at a better place in life where I can have doodles (pets besides fish) and my life is much more suited for pets requiring my time and attention. I guess my whole point of that little story is that re homing your pet does not make your a horrible person, it just means you are being realistic and caring for your furry friend. Also that this may not be the time in your life for a pet but that doesn't mean it never will be. I know you have a lot to think about reading these posts that people are writing to you and I know it may seem harsh sometimes, but sometimes we as people need harsh/ logical input to help push us in the right direction. Good luck to you, I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I so wish we had a "like" button.

[Linda, Charlie Brown and Beau]

Jess ~ I went back and reread all your discussions and posts of the Stewie sagas.  I am sorry you are going through this and I can feel from your writings it is very stressful for you, but can you imagine how stressful it is for a puppy to have to spend so much time alone.  When you leave a puppy they do not think of time as we do.  If you are gone 10 minutes or 1 hour to them it is all the same - a long time!  Getting a puppy is a lot of responsibility and similar to having a child.  Certainly you would not leave a baby or young child unattended for hours on end.  I think the writing is on the wall - as you say he does well at daycare and when he is with you visiting your dad, etc.   Not long ago you posted "I think I need to get rid of Stewie", and I think in your heart you do know that would be the best for him.  He is the type of dog that needs to be in a home where there is someone generally home to supervise him and reinforce positive behavior to give him the confidence to be a good boy and a life he so deserves.  It takes a very strong, unselfish person to make that decision.  I know he is so darn cute and you love him, but if you truly do love him you will want him to be in a home where he will not feel abandoned on a daily basis. You also mentioned in one of your discussions that you felt Stewie likes others better than you.  That is quite a statement.  It is possible that this is just not the right time in your life to have a puppy.  Some day the time will come or the right dog will come a long, but most dogs like to be with their people. A cat - now that is another thing! LOL    Jess, I certainly do not want to hurt your feelings but in all reality I too think this is not a good fit and never will be.  I am so sorry.

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

I am going to add my two cents, and agree with the very wise and experienced doodle owners on here who have suggested what they feel would be best for you and Stew, which is to find him a home that can give him what he needs.  There are a lot of red flags in all your discussions, as I have been following from the beginning.  Bottom line, as Linda said, "It is possible that this is just not the right time in your life to have a puppy".  You can change apartments, but that is not going to change your life style or training style or time away from him.  I don;t see how different doors and locks are going to help solve his issues, other than keep him and your things safer.

I have a dog with seperation anxiety and it was very hard to watch him be so stressed. We solved it with lifestyle changes that I'm afraid are not possible for you at this time, plus added a second dog to our home. So again, it just might not be the right time. Obviously you have given thought to giving him up, so this won't be a far stretch for you to imagine.  Hard as it may be, I do agree that he needs more than you may be able to provide for him and finding a good home would be a very responsible and loving act on your part. 

[Rhoda and Asta]

Oh he is super cute.   My heart goes out to you.   I agree with the  advice given by the more experienced owners.  My concern is for Stew.  I don't believe that a puppy is a good fit at this time in your life.  

[Wendy and Myla]

Jess, you seem so overwhelmed.  A puppy is a lot of work and I know darn well that I couldn't have had the outcome I have with Myla if she had come into my life at a younger age.  I know it's overwhelming and honestly I was overwhelmed and I am retired with all of the time in the world!!!!  Please think of Stew and honestly evaluate what is best for him!  Put aside the fact that he loves you and you love him, but factor in everything in his life.  After reading all of your posts, I honestly believe that maybe a fully trained older dog is best for you at this time in your life.  You are gone all day and it seems you love quiet times and honestly, I think you can find an older doodle that needs you!  Stew obviously needs a lot of one on one attention all day long and hopefully if you let DRC look for you, I'm sure they'll find a perfect match - one for Stew and one for you!  Please don't "dig in your heels" and ignore the advice here. Honestly evaluate what is best...for both of you! 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I am not commenting on just this post, but all of your other posts where you have asked for help. I really think Stew and you are not a good match. Every time you post about Stew my heart just breaks for him. I do not mean to upset you or anything, but I feel like you expect so much from Stew, he senses your frustration, acts out, and this cycle is just going to continue. He needs more of something than you are able to provide at this point in your life. Please think about what is best for Stew at this point before his behaviors get worse. In my opinion, it may be time to contact a reputable rescue organization to help you rehome him. 

[Julie, Eloise & Beasley]

Jess, you’ve gotten a lot of excellent advice from people who know a lot more about dogs than me, and I’m just adding my two cents. I’ve also been following your posts and my heart hurts for Stew. We all have good intentions and want what’s best for you both. I’m sorry if it’s difficult to read comments that you should find Stew another home but the reality is, unless you can look to your own behaviors and state of mind, I do think that is, unfortunately, the best answer for Stew’s well-being.

This isn’t just an issue of separation anxiety. Your posts almost from the beginning have painted the picture of how you aren’t able to demonstrate the confidence around Stew to be his leader. Whatever you want to label yourself and Stew, the fact is your posts are filled with stress about his behavior and how he doesn’t meet your expectations. Stew perceives the constant stress. It’s your energy and it dictates the way you interact with Stew, even if it’s not in your conscious thoughts. We’re all amazed at how perceptive dogs are – that they can warn for seizures coming on, they can sniff out changes in body chemistry, and so on. Obviously stress causes physiological changes in the body (and your energy) that you don’t control, and when it ramps up, Stew feels it and he reacts accordingly. I think if a dog behaviorist could read your posts here, he/she would see what was happening.

Most telling for me is that you’ve said he goes in the crate for the dog walker, and it doesn’t seem that he’s snapping at and resource guarding with others. You’ve said you’re afraid he’ll snap at you so you end up leaving him out if you can’t coerce him in. He knows this. He doesn’t go in the crate because you don’t make him go in, because you don’t assert yourself, because he doesn’t see you as his leader. I know people have said this before so this isn’t a new observation, but it is something you really need to consider for how to change YOU, not how to change Stew. In the absence of a leader, the dog will become the leader and that’s not a good thing. I bet if you look to times when he’s “good” you’ll see it’s not during times when you’re “freaking out,” and if he has less anxiety when he’s around others, they may have a more calming presence / effect on him.

I know I gave off horrible energy when Ellie was a puppy. I, for sure, can be high-strung so I get it. I was beyond stressed because my “perfect” 3 month old puppy nipped and bit me constantly, and she wasn’t cuddly like I hoped (read: expected) she would be. I thought she didn’t like me (this was before I found DK and didn’t know all this was total puppy behavior). She felt it and challenged my authority in different ways, but it was a vicious cycle, even in that short time. I called in a trainer thinking something was terribly wrong with her, and he promptly told me she was a normal puppy. As we all say here, those training sessions were for me and not so much Ellie. The trainer’s affirmation that she was a good puppy was enough to make me breathe a sigh of relief, and that almost immediately changed my thinking about her (and, my energy). I believed him when he said she was good.

I think your trainer(s) have said Stew is not a bad dog. Believe them. Stop looking for the answer for Stew’s “quirks” and focus on YOU and how you are around him. Just in this post alone, you’ve said things like “why didn't I see that Stew would turn into Cujo,” “Am I stuck with this for 10-13 more years where he HATES me,” and ”All I do is stress over him and he doesn't seem to give a s***.” Stew is not Cujo. Stew does not hate you. And no, Stew absolutely does not give a s*** if you’re stressed. He does, however, perceive your stress 100% OF THE TIME, which makes him stressed. He also knows he does not have to do what he doesn’t want to do because he knows ultimately you probably won’t assert yourself, which all goes back to your fear and anxiety around him.

We all want to see Stew have a good life. If you’re going to be Stew’s person for life, I do hope you’ll let him adjust to being in this new apartment and establish new, positive routines before you even think of medicating him. Medications are helpful and necessary for some dogs to have a good, balanced life – but that should be a very last resort, not to “facilitate the training sessions and (your) training with him.” I don’t mean for any of this to sound harsh, but you need to look at yourself and how you interact with him as a source for his anxiety. If you don’t feel like you can establish yourself as his leader – and soon, then I do think you do need to think about working with DRC, because Stew’s behavior will never change if you can’t change yourself.