Visiting doodle with poor manners

[jenn D]

Doodle friends, I have a dilemma and I need help. My family and the boys have made our move to a different state. Everyone is doing well but I am still in the process of unpacking, retraining our doodles in the new environment and managing my 2 legged kids (one who has specisl needs). For those who don't know we have 4 doodle boys. I run a tight ship and especially given the new place, etc it seems my crew does well with this. We have set feeding times, specific walking times (2 doodles per walk) and bed times.
The problem is this. My mom and dad come to visit when my husband is on business trips. My mom has a doodle, smaller than my boys, and he does not have the structured life mine do. In addition, he has bad habits, barking at everything, jumping on other dogs to play, and although he can sleep at times in his crate he barks non stop if he is put in there and doesn't "want to be".
Therefore, when my folks come, there doodle gets free reign of the whole house and is free fed (he won't eat his food in a given time period so they put real meat on it to get him to eat it and leave it out for him to graze).
The dog has no structure. My dogs end up picking up the bad habits when he is here. In addition, my dogs naturally are not thrilled when visiting dog gets run of the place and they are in their crates while I am trying to clean, etc.
I have to be very careful letting 2 of my dogs out because they are known sock eaters. So if I'm doing laundry, I have to put them up.
The whole thing is throwing off the balance of my pack. Ive tried to talk to my mom about it but she gets offended and huffs and puts her dog in his crate which makes him bark non stop. Then my dogs start to bark.
I'm not sure what to do with this. I've recommended training for her and her doodle. She shoots back that my doodles jump up on people when they first see them and need to be trained. This is true. I've told her I'm working that issue but I also am trying to get a new life established. But I've trained a lot with my dogs already. They use to bark a lot outside. Now they run and play without incessant barking. Until her doodle comes. He non stop barks and now my dogs seem to be starting this again. I had all but eliminated this a year ago!
I'm frustrated because her dog has zero tolerance for a schedule. My dogs know the schedule but when there is another dog around not having to follow rules it seems to upset them. My alpha, seems very frustrated with this.
I have no time to train her dog. I'm too busy taking care of mine, getting settled in a new state and going to doctor appts for my son.
Am I wrong in thinking my moms dog's behavior is affecting and can be rubbing off on my dogs?
Sorry for the long post. Mom and dog are coming in tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to the visit. I feel like I just got my crew settled again.

[jenn D]

Eta: we also have play times out back and they roam inside but when moms dog is here he tries to chase and play inside non stop. My crew knows not to rough house inside. They know when I say "take it outside boys" it's getting too rough and they either settle or go romp outside.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I feel for you and don't really think it is fair to impose on you with a dog. It's your house and I know it is your mom, but could you gently suggest she find a dog sitter for her Doodle and leave him home. I am betting your visits would be much more relaxing for both of you without her dog. 

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

You have a couple of choices, truly. 

One:

Don't have your mom come EVERY time your dh goes out of town. Live with it on a more limited basis.

Two:

It really sounds like you and your mom have a pretty good relationship, so speaking candidly and with a plan together might make her more receptive. Modify both dogs somewhat.  Here are some random thoughts, some of which might apply.

-Your mom's dog is not to be free fed unless it is in the crate.  Put it down, give it 15 minutes, pick it up. You know a healthy dog won't starve. :-}

-Put your dogs in their crates when you usually do and let your mom's dog roam as she usually does.  We just had a foster who was never allowed on furniture, my guys are.  In the 6 weeks we had her, she never tried to get on the furniture, even though my guys did. 

-If your guys begin the barking routine that is not acceptable, use an e-collar or citrus spray collar designed for barking on them.  It would be wonderful if your mom's dog could do this also, but . . . . When you really need to crate your mom's dog do so, but put the crate as far away as possible and shut the door.  Try giving her a bone, filled Kong, or something else as a reward when she is in her crate.

-If mom's dog is too playful, put some of yours in their crates for a bit, rotating.

[Amy and Annabelle]

Do your parents just come to visit you and the kids or are they there to help you out while your husband is away? If they are helping you out, maybe tell them they would be of more help to you if they boarded their dog. Or maybe only one of them come to help and the other stay home with the dog. If they are only coming for a visit, maybe they should plan their visits when you aren't holding down the fort all by yourself.  I bet your 4 pack of dogs and being in a strange place are probably a bit overwhelming for their little guy. So he probably isn't on his best behavior. But you and your parents need to figure out something that works for all, so that your visits together can be enjoyed and not added stress for everyone involved.

[BG and Gavin]

I have been thinking about his all day, trying to come up with some useful advice and I am afraid the only thing I can think of is to level with her that the structure differences between your two dog routines is causing you a great deal of stress and work on solving the problem together.  Ask her what each of you can do differently in order to bring more harmony into the house.  Maybe her dog can be tethered to one of you for period of time each day to wear her out a bit without slowing you down.

[jenn D]

Thanks everyone! Lots of great ideas. :)

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

Well, other than all the chaos, do you really NEED your mom when DH is gone? Is she adding to the mix in a positive way or putting a wrench in your well oiled-machine? Maybe it's time to decide if her coming with her dog is worth the aggravation. It sounds like it makes more work for you rather than help with keeping things running smoothly.

I have a feeling that if you suggest she come without her dog, it might get ugly as you've expressed that she gets offended by your suggestions. 

So it may be a matter of mom and doodle or no mom and no doodle. You obviously are not going to change her or her dog, nor is it your job to, but you are responsible for what you bring into your home/life. Maybe it would be less work hiring someone to come help a few hours a day than having your mom there?  Good luck, this is touchy and there is probably no easy solution either way.

I will add though, that as a mom, with a daughter with two doodles and three kids under 4 years old, that if she were expressing this much concern/plans/suggestions/changing my dogs routines, I would be more concerned for how I could help her and not bring the added work and stress into her life. I like the suggestions of BG very much. I would want my daughter to level with me, if I didn't already see the anxiety my dogs were causing. Your mom will want what's best for you and to help you, so I am sure she will find solutions that work for both of you. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I've been thinking about this situation and Sue has managed to express exactly what I've been thinking. I so agree. 

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I've been thinking a lot about this too.  It seems to me that you really do need your parents' help, and they are not going to change the way they relate to their dog.  I has always seemed like you do a wonderful job with your dogs and have spent a lot of time training them.  I really believe our dogs are smart and can learn to behave around lots of different distractions.  They can learn that there are different "rules" for some dogs and not others.  I have different rules for my two guys depending on the situation.  Guinness can handle lots of distractions that Murph can't...so he has some privileges that his brother doesn't.  They both know that's just the way it is.  I am free feeding Murph now because he has been sick and I absolutely need him to eat.  His bowl stays out and I've taught Guinness that he can't go near it.  He gets it, and since I'm the one "in control" of food it isn't an issue.  I really think you can train your pack to stay away from your parents' dog's food pretty quickly.  I would just stick to your rules with your own dogs...they need and want that.  The visiting dog isn't part of the pack so I think they can understand that there are differences.  Try not to be feeling bad yourself that your Doodles aren't getting the same treatment.  You are actually giving them much more by having consistent rules and expectations.  I would reward them often when they're crated and the other dog isn't....throw a cookie in or just stop by the crate and tell them they're "good dogs".  You've done a great job and you're managing a lot right now....keep up the good work.

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

I agree with Jane, stick to your routine with your pack and know that you are doing the best for them. As for when your mom's dog is upsetting you, your pack or your household, just pass the ball back to her corner and ask her to please take care of her dog as your dogs are learning unwanted behaviors with his actions/ disrupting the peace/upsetting your dogs or you.  Any mother would want to not have her dog bring problems into your home.