Crazy Scary Storm, Senile Old Lady, and My Worst Nightmare.

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

This blog post was supposed to be about my wonderful ‘staycation’ coming to an end and all the fabulous stuff that I did with my doodle over the last two weeks. As I was about to start, I was interrupted by what can only be described as complete madness. I’m still a little jittery so I need to write it out of my system. Here goes...

 

I was browsing through DK, posting comments and getting ready to type up my blog when I looked out the window and realized it looked like rain. I figured I better take Sophie out for a walk before it starts to downpour. As we headed out, the old crazy lady that lives on the first floor headed us off at the pass. Pat is a lady who has lived alone in the apartment for 40 years. In the last few months she has started showing serious signs of dementia, along with extreme loneliness. Not to get into too much detail, but she is always harassing the neighbours and begging them to help her with stuff, although I suspect it has more to do with wanting company than anything else. Sometimes she chases me down in her bathrobe and shower cap asking me to change light bulbs or open cans for her. It’s annoying but I oblige (despite the fact that she calls Sophie “that damn dog” Grrrrr...). Tonight, Pat had supposedly lost her keys.

 

She was wondering the front lobby in her trench coat and rain hat, asking if anyone had seen her keys. I suggested she check her purse or inside her apartment.  She asked me if I could help her look. I asked her if I could come back after I took Sophie out for a walk, and she said that would be too long. She literally pleaded with me to help her look. I went to her apartment, and what I saw was pretty scary. It was dirty and messy. I couldn’t find the keys anywhere, so she asked me to call her brother for her. I did and he said he would come tomorrow, but wasn’t going out in the storm, nor should she, so she doesn’t need her keys. That’s when I started to clue in that it wasn’t just going to rain, but it was an actual storm coming.

 

I told Pat I really had to go and that she should not go out anyway, and should wait until tomorrow. That’s when she said “but I’m starving and have no food in the apartment. What I am going to do?” I offered to make her a sandwich, but as it turns out, Pat does not like bread, nor did she like anything else I tried to offer. I figured there’s gotta be something she can eat and started looking in her cupboards and fridge. Literally, there was nothing but expired milk and a rotten banana. I told her I would race to the store and get her some groceries, just as soon as I took Sophie out to potty. We deliberated on this for a while, as she wasn’t sure what kind of food she normally gets (I’m sure you are all wondering at this point why this lady is living alone... apparently she is refusing help). She settled on medium ground beef.

 

Finally, I got outside with Sophie and the wind was blowing pretty hard. The skies opened and it started down pouring so fast I was completely soaked in minutes. The wind was blowing hard, so I took her to her potty spot quickly and I deliberated on whether or not I should run down to the corner store to get something for Pat. A little voice inside me said no, go inside, go inside. The wind was really picking up. I decided not to chance it and ran back inside and upstairs. I went to the kitchen for some food in my cupboards that might please Pat’s delicate culinary senses. That’s when I heard some shouts from outside and Sophie ran to the window. Three large trees had fallen over, one split right down the middle, exactly in the spot where I would have been walking if I had decided to go to the store. There is currently a tornado warning and a lot of damage has already been reported.

 

 

Fast forward, I make some food for Pat and bring it down to the lobby where she is still wondering and begging the neighbours for help. Some just smile and nod, some try to help, some look worried and confused. I give her the food and tell her that she can’t go out and neither can I, so she will have to eat that. She then complained that she couldn’t get into her apartment because she was locked out. I told her that was impossible because we were just inside her apartment and she doesn’t have her keys so couldn’t have locked the door. I suggested that if she didn’t want to stay cooped up in her apartment (which was likely the issue all along) she should just eat her dinner in the lobby (there is a table and chairs...it’s quite nice actually). She agreed reluctantly and I ran and grabbed her a fork and propped her door open so she wouldn’t think she was locked out. That was about all I could muster for her, and I went back upstairs and took some deep breaths.

 

It had dawned on me during all of this that, I was actually facing my worst nightmare. As a kid I had been nervous around old people because of a bad run in with one when I was volunteering at an old folks home as a girl guide. This one lonely old lady gripped my hand so firmly she wouldn’t let go, it hurt, and the staff had to pry my hand out of hers. They told me that she was so lonely that when she gets a hold of someone’s hand she refuses to let go. Ever since then I have always had a residual discomfort around really old people (even as an adult, irrational I know). Anyway, I am now 32, single, and live alone with my pets. It has recently dawned on me that when I look at Pat, I could be looking into my future. What if, 40 years from now, I am the crazy lonely lady wondering the hallway in my doodle pyjamas begging people to help me open cans of Wellness dog food and forcing them to clean my cat’s litter?

 

 

 

Like Pat, I have a brother who lives far away and is not all that helpful, I have friends, but who knows what life will be like in 40 years. I have my career, but of course, I’ll be retired (25 more years to go). My mom has dementia, and host of other mental health issues, so there is a chance that this will affect me too.  At the very least I know I will be ok financially, but I think living my life alone is just about the saddest thing in the whole world. I am really shaken by this realization that I could end up being the sad old lady that terrified me as a child. How do I prevent this from happening? Assuming I don’t get married, I mean, maybe I will, but if I continue to spend all my free time on DK who knows... I'm sure there are things I can do to make sure I don't end up like Pat, like continuing to be involved in things I'm passionate about... I’m trying to laugh about this, but seriously, I’m a little shaken. At least I will halways ave my doodle,... right? because doodles live forever right? oh.... I think it's time to hit the ice cream.

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

Update: got in touch with my aunt and she sent me a list of steps to take to get help. It was incredibly helpful. her number one advice is not to give up, but fight fight fight. Unfortunately people like Pat slip through the cracks every day. Last winter a woman froze to death on the street, she had gone out for a walk, got lost and didn't have a coat on. She was begging for help, people heard her, but nobody came to her aid. I'm not a cryer, but this really got me and it still haunts me to this day. As long as I live I will never be one of those bystanders who did nothing.

 

As for me, thanks to everyone for providing me with such level headed advice. Of course I have a lot of living to do and shouldn't worry about such things. Thanks to F for the advice about planning. I have been thinking about wills and such lately and I think I will follow through on those plans. Until then, stay tuned for my 'staycation' blog :o)

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

I completely agree with F. Plan, Plan Plan and then Plan some more. A spouse does not guarantee anything. FIrst sign of craziness and he/she could be gone in a New York minute. If there are no relatives, I would have an attorney and a trust and a living will and a health care proxy. Oh wait, I do have relatives and I still have all that stuff. I don't want to be a burden on anyone, so my wishes are well laid out. I have children yes, but they  know, that being of sound mind now, (Debatable to some) that I want to go to an assisted living facility as soon as it becomes more obvious to them than to me that it is necessary. This is all assuming that DH passes before me or is unable/unwilling to care for me.(And if I stay on DK much more, he's likely to leave soon anyway)  Being alone to me has always seemed like a choice we make. Plan ahead and have that peace of mind knowing that you won't be left alone in an apt. Now, we just all need to find an assisted living facility that takes doodles!!!!

[Lorraine Bromley]

Well ALL I can say is that I have an aunt that I am very close to that seemed to be going down this road as well. Do you have nieces and nephews that would love a caring aunt? She was a teacher for many years and never really dated much and lived at home her whole life with my grandparents. She socialized with family and a few at work. But didn't have a crowd of friends. We are from a small town and everyone knows everyone. There were rumours that she was gay. She loves cats and had several over the years but had one for 19 years! She became the crazy old cat lady that did try and do everything for that cat to keep it alive ( I can say this because I love her and don't think she is crazy) She is in her 70s now and about 10 or so years ago she would go to singles dances as she loves music. She is a pianist in church and for events. She ended up meeting a recently divorced man half her age and they have been together ever since. She still lives at home, gramma passed two years ago. She goes to his house Friday to Sunday everyweek and they talk every night around 10. She continues to do the things she loves to do at home and helps with her Aunts too. Gets her visits in with us as well. She says she will never likely move down there about 45 minutes away in all sorts of road conditions! He has a farm and she has cats down there and four dogs that have landed there by different circumstances. He has three children that were little when they met and are now in there 20s She treats it like her house when she is there and enjoys it immensely but having the kids own the house is an area she must respect. There are very few issues between them all. Except the boys think there are too many dam cats and she spends way too much money keeping them all well and fed. I tell you this because everyone would have said that she was on her way to being an old maid, yet enjoying an activity like dancing led her to meet a wonderful guy and she may not live there but she also will never be alone. I doubt you will be either. So just keep doing what your doing and when it happens it happens.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Such a sad story. I think you have hit on fears many of us have. All I can suggest is planning and friends. We all need to support one another. It takes a village for each individual : ) Hopefully you have good friends who can be like family. Even a spouse doesn't guarantee any one person will always be there. We all should have living wills, health care proxies, powers of attorney and such things in place. Plan, plan, plan. I hope for myself and all those I care for that we live to a ripe old age fine and then go quickly. But the ice cream is good too. Maybe there is an agency that can help Pat out that you could contact.

[Lindsey]

Oh yikes!! First off, Sherri you were SOOO KIND!!!
I hope Pat gets the help she so obviously needs!!! Second...do NOT look at her and worry that that is what you will become! Geesh, if you do that, you're wasting time enjoying life!!! Silly ;-) Now go enjoy your doodle and ice cream...and eat seconds for pete sake, life is WAY too short!!!!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Sherri, you are a kind and generous person. You've already gotten great advice, don't stress about being alone if you don't find the right person. For every person who is alone, there is someone in a bad relationship somewhere wishing they were alone. BTW at 32 you are just a youngster. Looking forward to hearing about your 'staycation'.

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

Sherri -- Good call on seeing if your Aunt is able to help.  The reason I'm thinking that the police might be a good call is that she is refusing help and her brother is saying as long as she is refusing there is nothing they can do.  Someone needs to see the way that she is acting that can force the help on her.  The one time my MIL had a stroke, we spent hours at the hospital trying to convince her she needed to be there and that they were helping her.  Her main concern was that the hospital was going to take all her money and she wouldn't have any to leave her boys.  We thought we had her calmed down, but as soon as all the boys left, she called a cab and walked out of the hospital.  There is NO rationalizing with people once they get to this point.  She will probably even refuse the meals on wheels (my MIL did for a long time).   Once the doctor finally said she could not go home alone, and she refused home care help, the boys finally told her they were taking her out to lunch, and after lunch they took her to her new room at the nursing home.  Obviously, she was not a happy camper, but they had no choice at that point.  (Interesting connection to your story, she lived in North Carolina, we lived in Florida at the time.  DH went to North Carolina to help and while he was gone we had a hurricane hit FL where we lived so I was dealing with the storm at home and he was dealing with the storm in NC).   Obviously there is only so much you can do as you aren't even family, so I'm really hoping your Aunt can help.

[Traci -Bexter & Maggie]

Sherri - You are truly a wonderful person for going so out of your way to help a neighbor in need.  Not very many people would do what you did.  I believe your kindness will be rewarded somehow someway.  I think that all of us at some point - even those who are married and even those with kids - stop & occasionally dwell on what life will be like when (if) we grow old.  The future holds no guarantees, even if we do have spouses or kids.  I think it would be great if all the single doodle owners (or those who are widowed, divorced, or alone for whatever reason when we get old)...should start up a DOOD RANCH & all live together with our doodles.  Wouldn't that be fun???

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Sherri, you certainly had one horrible day.  I'm also a big believer that kindnesses come right back to us....when we least expect them and when we need them the most.  The understanding and kindness you have shown to this neighbor is wonderful and so unusual in our world today.  My Mom suffered from dementia, and it took us a very long time to convince her that she needed to leave her apartment and go to a facility.  She fired all of the home health care workers we hired for her.  It was a very frightening time, but she had some amazing neighbors (like you) who always watched out for her.  At the end, we had to force her to go to a nursing home....and she died there six weeks later.  She gave up....just refused to eat.  I went through a year blaming myself for the decision, and now that I'm more rational I realize that I had no other alternative, and I couldn't "own" her choice.  I too sometimes wonder if I will also follow in her "footsteps" with the dementia, but who knows what tomorrow brings.  I can't control it, so I refuse to worry about it.  I have this vision of lots of us as little old Doodle ladies, typing away on DK when we're 80.  I'll bet there will be some really funny blogs then!  So, keep your chin up...you'll always have Doodles and Doodle buddies.

[Jennifer,Chloe & Myla]

Wow Sherri-I'm so glad that you decided to go back in the house! That would have been much worse. Glad you and Sophie are safe. I agree with the others that you did a wonderful thing but after seeing inside and how she lives is a definite problem. There are places she can go. We have the Department of Aging in my state and they have many resources but I think she needs more urgent help. Don't feel bad about calling the police or even telling the landlord or social services because this would probably save her life. The brother needs to step up maybe if he does show up you could talk to him with your concerns. Everyone thought that I would be a crazy cat lady all my life-I enjoy being at home with my pets and they liked going to bars. I FINALLY got married and at 36 and thought my perfect family life was coming, but we have fertility issues and now I'm 39 and worried that if I don't have kids I will never get to be a grandma I'm an aunt to 4 nephews who I do not see enough. Actually my family thinks I'm crazy and they say my doodles and cat are my kids-my life really changed when we got them, I didn't know that kind of love existed before they came along. So I try not to think about it and secretly hope every day that a miracle will happen because we cannot afford fertility treatments and such. I know I am blessed with my doodles and I have them when times get rough-they are always here to lick my tears and snuggle and play with. So if those are the only children I have I'm ok with that-I just don't want to be alone when I'm old like she is. Please help her you will feel so good about yourself if you call someone and as always Laurie is right try to enjoy the days you have and you will feel SO much better. Trust me I know exactly what you are feeling. Give your doodle a big squeeze!!