The Trials and Tribulations of a Stage (Calendar) Doodle Mom!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last Sunday started off like any ordinary Sunday.  My husband watched his favorite morning show, CBS Sunday Morning, and I tried to refrain from talking and breathing too loudly for fear he would miss one word of the show.  At one point, he was holding Fudge and cuddling with her and when she jumped down to greet me, Vern immediately took her place in his lap on his recliner chair.

Two dogs playing musical chairs on his lap during his show did not seem to bother him at all, but when the microwave timer went off to let me know my oatmeal was done, he reacted as if I had yelled into a megaphone, “CAN WE TALK?”  To each his own, I guess, but personally I don’t want to start a beautiful day out by watching a show with depressing segments about Glen Campbell having Alzheimer’s or a grief stricken widower painting his entire town to help ease the loss of his wife.  I don’t need to hear my own husband say he would paint the town red, too, if I died and say it with a big ol’ smile on his face.  No, I much prefer to live in my protected, imaginary cocoon where my husband woos me every night and I look like Heidi Klum.  Give me a mindless sitcom, a show about what you shouldn’t be wearing, or a husband who is less inclined to break out into spontaneous laughter every time I say, “If I go first,” and I would be happy. I get enough of real life with my 86 year old mom, who recently told me this after she joined Weight Watchers, “I know I say all the time I am ready to die, but I just want to make sure I look good when I finally go.”  

 

When the show ended, I asked my daughter if she would like to join her dad and the dogs and me for our morning walk and take some pictures for the Doodle calendar.  Of course, she was thrilled to be invited and right away said no, so I rephrased the question in a way that I knew would assure me of a more positive response.  I asked her if anyone who lived in the house and didn’t pay rent would like to continue living in the house rent free and if so, would that person also like to take some pictures for a Doodle calendar?  It was amazing how quickly she changed her mind and realized she really did want to take those pictures.   I think her exact words were, “I hate that stupid calendar.”   You really do catch more photographers flies with threats honey.

 

I had high hopes when we left for the park.  Vern was looking pretty good from being groomed on Friday.  Nothing living or dead was hanging off his body and Fudge was her usual beautiful self.  The photographer had resigned herself to the fact that she was going to take some awesome photos of my dogs or find herself living on the streets and my husband seemed alert and focused and I could tell he was behind me all the way by the way he said, “what calendar do you keep talking about?”  The first problem started when I selected our location straight up the top of a hill and was half way up when I heard my husband yell for a poop bag.  It seemed one of the female models had taken a potty break and my husband, aka Mr. Always Prepared, had no bags, so down the hill I went to hand him the bag.  Back up the hill I went where the photographer was already setting up and scouting the perfect spot for the perfect photo.  Everything was falling into place nicely.

 

The first problem started when we had both dogs sit on a stone ledge, but Fudge would not look at the camera.  No amount of cajoling, clapping, whistling, threats, or false promises made that dog turn her head.  If we went to the other side, she turned her head the opposite way. 

Have we ever thought about a backwards Doodle Calendar?

I tried offering the photographer some helpful tips, “you need to do something to get her to turn her head, “ and she in turn said maybe I could start rolling down the hill and as I picked up speed on my descent yell, “Fudge look at me!”  When I asked her how I was supposed to stop myself at the end of the hill, she just smiled and said, “aim for a tree.”

We weren’t accomplishing anything with our cheerful banter, so we regrouped and had them sit on a wooden bench. Fudge seemed to prefer the bench to the stone wall, but then the photographer shrieked and yelled, “Yuck, Vern’s thingy is out!”

Now, I am not a veterinarian, but I was pretty sure Vern’s thingy was not his tongue and when I glanced at Vern’s nether regions I could see the photographer was correct in her assessment.   My dogs are not the best-trained dogs in the world, but they do know some commands, but unfortunately, “look at the stupid camera,” and “put your thingy back in the holster,” are not two that we have worked on recently.  I could just hear the photography group’s critique, “you can’t see Fudge’s eyes and have you tried using the red eye reduction tool in other areas on Vern?”

 

We didn’t get any good pictures today despite many attempts.  No, the models seemed to be purposely working together to thwart all attempts at success. 

 Vern, whatever you do, don't look at the camera!  Either that, or move your paw and show them what you've got!

We quit soon after the male model had his version of a wardrobe malfunction and my husband yelled, “that’s my boy!” I knew unless the Doodle calendar was going in a whole new direction we didn’t stand a chance with the photos we shot today.  Oh well, we have plenty of time and the photographer isn’t going anywhere.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Thank you for reposting this discussion by F, Pat. It is hilarious and the photos of Calla and Luca just crack me up. 

[Pat and Traveler]

F, your hilarious discussion is called "Join the Insanity," and is well worth reading.  I'm not sure if this is how to link, but http://www.doodlekisses.com/forum/topics/join-the-insanity  but hope this will work.  No, no==you don't have to thank me!  LOL

[Jennifer and Jack]

I am laughing... That is my everyday life with Jack....I will meow at him, scream, offer treats...it worked when he was a puppy, not now...he just won't look....unless I literally put a treat on top of the camera....then he will look.

So funny.

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

I'm feeling your pain, Laurie!  What is it that excites them when the camera comes out??  Maybe there's a market for shots with red crayons and we can put a "doggie porn" calendar together.  Or maybe that 365 doodle-a-day calendar would be the place for our bloopers!  BY NO MEANS am I offering to be the one to put it together!!  Remember, we're still looking for that perfect person! Oh wait, what about your DD/hostage photographer?? Our problem may be solved!  Please let me know what she says!!

I agree that you have the perfect shot of Vern on that board!  It's a winner!!

 

[Bonnie and Kona]

@Pat... CAS Camera Aversion Syndrome. Kona's got it bad. I cannot figure out how he can even be averse to my phone camera. It's permanently affixed to my hand; how does he even notice it's a camera? 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Ah, you see why I have decided what will be will be. Maybe I'll take some pictures. But there will be no long editing sessions, which proved unsuccessful, this year. And I am looking on the bright side. When my doodles are purposely ignored not selected I save a ton of money on family calendars. I already have at least 20 from charities. I blame much of this disappointment good fortune on myself. Since I started that damn great Photography Group, the wannabes new calendar photographers have become so good. Why I once wrote a discussion on this very topic including rolling around on the poopy lawn in pursuit of calendar pictures but I am too lazy wise to go searching for it. Oh well, all art, even blogs,  is derivative : )

[Pat and Traveler]

Hilarious blog!  Trav has camera aversion syndrome also, but I have to say I LOVE the shots on the bench.  I think your daughter has managed a winner here, if she was the one taking the photos.  Funny, I never thought of that line for the rent-free daughter.  I can see a whole new dimension in our relationship!  She can throw pieces of cheese while I try to get a shot like Camilla's of Darwin.  And we could try for one of those bench shots--maybe with me holding a treat to keep dog's eyes somewhere in the range of the viewfinder.  Thanks, Laurie!

[Carol and Banjo]

OMD....SO funny Laurie!!!!   The large red crayon .... well....I nearly wet myself.   

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh my goodness, Laurie, hysterical! I feel your pain. I have yet to induce my rent free offspring to start calendar shots but I expect similar results. Owen is so obsessed with squirrels he is constantly hunting when he is outside and Kona hates the camera... always has. Fudge and Vern may not be in the calendar but there are not cuter doodles around.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Laurie, JD must have been coaching F & V on "How to Keep your Mom from Getting a Decent Photo of You"! The head turn is one of his classic moves, but apparently Vern has surpassed the master and  come up with invented some of his own techniques!