When Do They Grow Up?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I used to think parenting got easier as you got older and your kids matured, but I now think parenting gets harder.  Harder because they don’t have to listen to you anymore and my advice, which I always believe is stellar, is not always met with the appreciation and gratitude I think it deserves.  Hayley prefers to call John because she finds him less reactive and better at listening without commenting, all because, once or twice, I yelled out something like “NOT AGAIN!” when she said she had been involved in a traffic accident.  Megan once asked me why I couldn’t just listen and not respond and got mad when I said maybe she could find a nice tree with a phone and call it next time instead of me. The thing is I feel like I am loaded with great advice, have the answers to most everything, and can solve all their problems IF they would just listen to me. Unfortunately, I am the only one who seems to know this and worse yet, I have been bested by a man who I would swear has nodded off a couple of times during their lengthy conversations.

 

We all know puppies can also be hard and things are supposed to get easier as our dogs mature.  Someone needs to explain this to Fudge and Vern, so I can get back to my lackadaisical method of dog training.  In her seventh year of life, Fudge has taken up counter surfing and it seems to be an area in which she excels. Fudge has always been my tester dog and John says I have way too many conspiracy theories that involve her, but I swear everything she does has a purpose and that purpose is to make me jump through hoops.  Her newest thing is to come when she is called, but go to a different door than the one I am standing at to be let back in.  If I am at the front door, she will go to the patio door and as I call her to come, she will stand there mocking me as if to say, “over here, dummy!”  If we are out in public, I swear she holds her business and only lets it out when she senses that me having to pick it up will coincide with someone walking by.  Just this morning she paused after going potty for quite some time until I assumed it was safe to pick it up, only to have her back kick so much dirt in my direction as I bent over that I was blinded for a second and spent the rest of the walk spitting dirt out of my mouth.  My new motto is close your mouth and eyes when you bend over around Fudge, but for obvious reasons I won’t be embroidering that statement on a pillow anytime soon.

 

I might have my glasses or the TV remote on the bed and despite the fact that the rest of the bed is empty, Fudge will beeline directly to the glasses or remote and try and plop down on them.  Many nights I will be watching a show only to have the channel changed when she rolls over to get more comfortable.  I usually scramble to collect my glasses, but often times forget about the remote until I can’t find it or I can no longer identify the show I am watching.  Every morning finds me taking both dogs out only to have Fudge stop in her tracks right before we get to the door and stare at me.  I don’t know if she is waiting for me to carry her through the doorway, hand her an engraved invitation that the party is outside, or she just enjoys me pleading with her to please go outside and go potty.  

 

On the boat she is possessed with retrieving her toy in the water, but then comes back to the boat and at the command to “drop it” lets it go right back into the water.  I have been standing right next to her instructing her NOT to drop the toy in the water and down it goes as she looks back at me like “did you say something?”  AND if she can somehow manage to drop it between the boat ladder and the boat all the better, because it means one of the humans on the boat has to get down on their hands and knees and try to figure out how to fish that toy out of the water without going overboard.  Trust me when I tell you, that toy could float within retrieving distance of the boat and she will just stand at attention on her dog pad until it is properly thrown from the boat by one of us. 

I'm still waiting............

Sometimes, she even waves her paw in the air like she really wants to help, but just can’t reach the toy, even though we all know if she would just jump in and get it life would be better for all concerned. Nope, it is up to John or me to retrieve the toy she has dropped in the water or risk going in debt replacing all the water toys as we watch them float away as Fudge stands at attention on her pad looking back at us like “What is taking so long? I’m waiting!”

Bye, bye, water toy..... 

Fetch, John!!

Meanwhile, Vern, now in his sixth year, has decided barking is the way to go on the boat and nothing seems to work to get through to him that we are not enjoying the sound of his voice.  John says me screaming “SHUT UP, VERN!” after every bark is not really helping, so I tried “SHUT UP, JOHN!” just in case Vern was barking using an alias.  Between the barking and all the fetching we do on the boat, we are exhausted by the time we get back to shore.   He also keeps all of our neighbors on their toes by barking their arrivals and departures whenever he can.  When I tell him to stop barking, he almost always wags his tail and barks again as if to say, “OK! Got it!”  This usually leads to me making him come back into the house and there is no prouder dog as he totally misreads the situation and walks in woofing and wagging.

 

Also, at the age of 6 and 7, I now catch them drinking out of any container out in the yard that has water in it and that includes potted plants.  I can’t honestly say this is new behavior in Vern, but I never saw Fudge do it until this year. My opinion is she saw all the attention Vern got when he did it and decided to jump on the bandwagon.  The other day I dumped the most disgusting water out of one of the containers out on our deck after I caught Fudge sticking her nose in it, yet when I go to hand her a treat she will sometimes drop it on the ground or turn her head slightly so it looks like I am trying to shove a treat against her cheek.   They also used to do tricks for their treats and would rush into the kitchen to get their treats and do perfect sits, downs, and stays.  Now, they wait in the living room, already in their down position, seemingly wanting to skip all the unnecessary hoops John makes them jump through just to get a treat.   I am starting to wonder if they are trying to disprove the theory “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” and I am the old dog.

 

But, all this pales in comparison to the new counter surfing habit Fudge has developed in her seventh year of life.  It started with a breakfast casserole and the other night was my banana bread.  I was so proud of myself for baking four loaves of banana bread to freeze when we get company.  I used to throw bananas out all the time, but a sister-in-law mentioned she uses the brown ones to make banana bread and freezes them for her sons to take home when they visit and just like that I had a new idea that I intend to take credit for whenever I see my sister-in-law again.

 

After I made the bread I set it on the counter to cool and forgot about it until John came to bed and said, “Everyone enjoyed your banana bread!”  When I asked who everyone was since we live alone, he answered Fudge.  He said he kept hearing a funny noise in the kitchen and when he went around the corner to check Fudge was starting on her second loaf of bread.  The first one she had eaten all the sides of the loaf and left the middle intact.  I will have to remember that next time I serve her brunch on a silver platter.  She likes breakfast casseroles and bread crust, washed down with muddy water from a plant.  Vern, the newly hired butler, can bark each course as it is being served.

 

I guess life would be pretty boring if Fudge and Vern grew up, although I am willing to give it a try if I can convince them it is time! I anticipate Fudge will turn her nose up at the idea or stick it in a potted plant while Vern barks his refusal.

[Donna K & Quincy]

 Ah Laurie, never a dull moment. The answer to your question is never. It doesn't matter if you're talking DH, children or dogs. Hey Fudge, I like the middle of the banana bread so we would get along just fine. I don't know what treat you were using to teach John to fetch but it's clearly not the right one. May be time to break out that orange bikini.

[DJ & Chance]

ROFL, Laurie.  My last dog counter surfed--her favorite treat was lemon meringue pie, my speciality.  She once ate three of them, licking out the lemon and meringue and leaving the crusts behinds.  That made me realize that I needed to work a bit on the crusts--LOL.

Long ago, when my younger sister was married at the family home, some goofball left the refrigerator partially open and her dog proceeded to eat the ham and turkey that had been prepared for the festivities.  We were left with some rolls and a salad for about 50 guests.

And the poop routine.  For Chance it is a sport to see how much dirt he can kick in my face as I am stooping down with the poop bag to pick up his business.  I swear, sometimes he covers it so well that I have trouble finding it!

[Carol and Banjo]

Your life sounds so much more "active" than mine!    LOL......loved this Laurie....as always.     Banjo has trained us to keep a very organized, picked up house.   No shoes, items of loose clothing or food left within reach.   I guess this is a good thing....the house almost always is presentable for drop in company.      John looks rather annoyed to be fetching the dogs toys!    Good John, good!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

OMD!  Loved this but especially the part where John told you everyone enjoyed the banana bread - meaning Fudge.  Don't have her invite Ned over because he counter surfs for breads also, but I am sure he would love to try your egg casserole too.  Vern's barking is his version of Clancy's mayoral duties. This is serious business which you simply don't appreciate.  We've had to initiate the bark collar to help him learn when he isn't on duty. We haven't tried it on Charlie yet, but I don't think it would work - his coat is so thick that the zap would be wasted on his fluff.

[Sam&Bella]

Me too Wendy!

Fudge, you should know better... Tisk tisk tisk... You don't have to counter surf, you can surf on the lake instead of keeping your toys in it...

Vern... Handsome Vern...  I know you are trying to be protective, But I don't think it is going to work. You have to understand, you are a doodle. Doodles are not scary, doodles are cute...

[Wendy and Myla]

I loved this blog!  I can picture absolutely everything!  So funny!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Karen, I hate breakfast casseroles, but I had a niece come who requested one. I eat oatmeal every day for breakfast and it is my favorite meal of the day :) LOL about the finger...of course, I would never....unless you are telling me I can't use ACV. As for my banana bread, we all love it here....I think the center was still hot when Fudge attacked it :) At least that is the story I am going with today! I do love my Fudge and she found herself the right home.

F, You know I don't want to photoshop out twine :) Sweet Calla...she is a girl after my own heart!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

"She likes breakfast casseroles and bread crust, washed down with muddy water from a plant.  Vern, the newly hired butler, can bark each course as it is being served" made me laugh out loud.

I really think that Fudge's new counter surfing habit is her way of trying to save you a lot of needless work. I mean, breakfast casserole? In the morning, I have trouble just keeping track of how many scoops of coffee I've already put into the basket of the coffee maker. I see no need for casseroles of any kind before 5 or 6 p.m. at the earliest. The freezer section of the grocery store is filled with perfectly edible things that require only a microwave and a finger. (Don't you dare.)

And baking banana bread? A lot of work for something that even a dog thinks is only partly edible. Fudge was just trying to save you all that work. :) 
Good dog, Fudge! 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Just when I'm envious of you cruising around your lake you write this. I feel much better now, thanks. Couldn't you tie those toys to some twine? And having lived with Calla for a long time now, no food is left within her reach unless I or someone else forgets.