HELP Doodle Friends I need your help over a STINKY situation.....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Ok my dear doodle friends I need some HELP.  Its not related to Hunter or our doodles but my friend that is the sheltie breeder.  To sum it up her house and family SMELL beyond belief.  Sorry this will be somewhat long but I need opinions, advise, words, anything and everything.  Here it is.............

 

One of my very best friends of 20 years breeds and shows shelties, I would imagine including 2 liters of puppies she has 25 shelties....  She also had 3 dauchsunds (however you spell that) a brussels griffon.  Her house has always smelled, how could it not?  She had a huge legal battle with her neighbors because of her dogs barking and the health department and zoning people were at their house several times.  She was making an effort to keep it clean but still with that many dogs it to me seems like a lost cause.  She has the majority of them in her house or attached garage.  She had some water damager to her house and the majority was redone all the way down to the drywall, took out all the carpet and has all hardwood and tile now.  It seemed to help some at first (about 3 months it lasted).    She has 3 kids 2 daughters that are 8 and 11 and a son that is in the Army.

To get closer to my point on Thurs of Fri I forget which she texts me in a panic asks me if I think her kids skink like animals.  As I am thinking YES I am texting NO why what’s wrong?  The guidance counselor called her and said the kid in the locker next to 8 year old daughter had been complaining because her locker and book bag stunk.   I defend her blah blah blah because I don’t want to be mean.  Then yesterday I went over to her house to pick her up because there was a grooming table on Craigslist that was a great deal for Hunter and I wanted her to go with me to make sure it was ok.  I go in her house and it stinks worse than it has since that had all of that remodeling work done. I mean bad like you want to hold your breath.  So she brings out the backpack and shows it to me, it really doesn’t look dirtier than any normal back pack and then she tells me to smell it.  Ok the house smelled so bad I couldn’t tell the backpack from the house so I say “I can’t smell anything on it” as I am ready to gag.  Then she goes on to say how mad she is and she is going to take it up to the school and ask them what the issue is.   

 

Last night her 8 year old daughter was going to spend the night with Kelsey my daughter and my older daughter Ava was going to go to their house to spend the night with her 11 year old daughter, who has been Ava's best friend since they were babies.  Ava sends me a text and asks if she has to spend the night so of course I told her no I would pick her up whenever she wanted and she said it would be like 9P.  So about 7P I went to get pizza for us and Ava texts me and asks if I can come get her  so I do.  My friend said she was acting kind of off and tired and I assumed that was it because she spent most of the weekend with another friend at our house and was tired.  I pick her up and she said she couldn’t stand it in her house  it smelled so bad.  I get home and we were telling DH (without her younger daughter that was there hearing us of course) and Rick says to go in Kelsey’s room it was awful because she brought 2 blankets, her coat, and 2 pillow pets.  I opened her door and it about knocked you over.  Kelsey doesn’t even seem to notice – (she is generally oblivious so that didn't surprise me LOL).   I told them to go out and get the pizza from Rick and I snuck out her 2 blankets and coat and washed them but there wasn’t much I could do with the pillow pets. 

 

Rick claims I owe it to her to talk to her about it.  I feel terrible doing it but I don’t want her to make a fool of herself at the school and I don’t want her kids to stink!!  What would you do?  HOW do you tell someone something like? How do you word it?  I really need some specifics here - I  couldn't sleep last night trying to figure out what to do.

 

@ Joanne, Spud & Starlit I know you know who this is :-(  Makes it even harder.

[Lorraine Bromley]

Another thing to mention to her after being honest about the smell and how its affecting her kids would be to tell her that if she expects to keep that amount of dogs she should be hiring help to keep the dogs clean and well groomed. As it is obviously too much. Then tell her it would be easier to keep up with her house cleaning and disinfecting on her own when the animal care is delegated. You may want to mention that with out being clean sickness could wipe out all her dogs.

We had kids on our bus that got lice all the time and were dirty, they lived on a farm with limited ammenities. They were great kids but I know it bothered them to have their heads shaved every year. The one boy came to our house and loved to go into the hot tub our rule was that they had to shower in and out. He loved the shower time too. We would give him clean clothes to wear after as I would say oh you kids got so dirty out playing change your clothes now. So he just beemed with delight.

We have also had this issue with my family who smoke heavily. My little cousin has to live in it. Her coat and clothes smell of it. They light candles and think that  helps but it just makes it sickening scented. We have told him and them and all we can do is make the rules at my house. They follow them begrudgingly. I usually toss her coat and such in the wash while she is here. I had to throw her coat over the outside railing once it stunk the house so bad and he was miffed it was out there. I SAID I can't stand the smell of it and she has to WEAR IT! He didn't like it. I have told him childrens aide would come in and take her if they saw how bad it is.

We can only be honest and do our part in our homes. 

[Smita, Ollie and Juno]

If I were in your friend's situation, I would want my friends to tell me about the smell issue.

25 dogs in a house sounds to me like animal hoarding for sure. You can not possibly have a healthy, clean house with 25 dogs unless it is a huge house on a farm or something. You definitely owe it to your friend to tell her. For the well being of everybody in the family as well as the dogs.

[Camilla and Darwin]

I agree with everyone that you should be honest, but supportive. The fact that she is asking you means that she definitely wants to know. And if it's starting to affect her kids at school you just have to say something. It is so sad to think of them being teased or looked down on because of it. :-( You are one of her best friends which means she trusts and wants your opinion.

 

I also agree that 25 dogs is A LOT of dogs and it would be hard to keep them clean and healthy, no matter who you are. Unless you have a lot of hired help, but even then...

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Sometimes friends come to friends not for the TRUTH but because they are looking for someone to support THEIR position. I suspect that you were sensing this to be the case with your friend and you gave her what you thought she wanted-your support. But I agree that it is time to take it to the next level-TRUTH.

I think explaining up front that the reason you were not forthcoming to begin with was your fear of jeopardizing your friendship (because it means so much to you) would help her to understand why you have waited so long. I agree with being calm and kind about it all. I am not sure that it would be a good idea to give her suggestions as to how to improve things at this point. But an offer to HELP her come up with ideas or a plan if she would like help might be appropriate.  She will probably be a bit overwhelmed at first to hear this from you so too much information may go right past her until she has time to process things.

 

I have had experiences with similar (though not as drastic) situations where I felt a friend needed to hear a difficult truth. I appreciate how very difficult it can be but I applaud you for your kindness and willingness to be a TRUE friend.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

This is not the same situation, but I have a close group of girl friends that I have been friends with since the age of 10.  We are all about 30 now and a few have had children and become very - what's the word?? - self-absorbed.  After a year of dealing with this and feeling our friendship suffer, I spilled my guts and opened up about a month ago to two of my friends.  They didn't speak to me for a week or so (we talk daily).  They said they had to think about how to make things better and we have all been working through it and I must say, things are better than they have been in years.  My point:  no matter what, really good friends tell each other the truth and they get through it.  You owe it to your friend.  Tell her it is because you care about her so much - her family, the dogs, etc....all involved. 

[Suzann, Rosey & Bandit]

Can you have Joanne talk to her:)  Maybe you can write her a letter?  I don't know that would be hard.  Maybe you can offer some assistance if she needs some help cleaning?

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Thanks to all of you and your encouragement I am going to talk to her.  I think I am going to call her this evening, we talk on the phone daily and I think it would be easiest that way (plus I can keep my index card of points from all of you to bring up!).   With all of the legal battles she has had with her neighbors, etc.  I would have thought she would have lessened her number of dogs.  She seems to take them from other breeders to show, breed and whatever else they do.  Its odd to me that one of the liter's of puppies are not even her's but another breeders.  I did put in my notes to bring up that even if she stopped taking other dogs from other breeders it is going to help, and by doing that she is making it worse on her home and her children.  She is married but in all honesty her husband is an idiot, not a mean person or anything like that just pretty much a moron. He would be zero help and I am sure doesn't even see the situation for what it is.  

 

Adina you had mentioned about painting her walls, cleaning the hardwood floors, etc.  Her house was just completely remodeled within the last 6 months down to the drywall and the floors sanded and refinished because of a pipe breaking in their upstairs bathroom while they weren't home and flooded the entire house.  I really thought that after that and having everything nice and new she wouldn't want all the mess back in it but she did.  :-(

 

I see Joanne hasn't chimed in yet :) I am hoping that she does.  

 

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I think you just have to tell her. IMO, she needs help. Her kids are going to be teased about this their entire school years, if someone doesn't step in. This is just way too many dogs for one place and she needs to take steps to correct this situation. I am surprised she can be a successful breeder if prospective clients walk in and smell her house. I was thinking what F said and that it sounds like hoarding to me. She may be a wonderful person, but she is causing harm to her children and they are more important than her dogs. You would be doing a wonderful kindness on behalf of her children and those dogs if you said something. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, however, because it will be hard. Good luck.

[Jennifer and Jack]

I thought of animal hoarding as well. That was the first thought that crossed my mind.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

In a simple sentence...I would want my friend to tell me not someone who doesn't care.

It's tough, just tell her that you assumed it was just an off day and usually you don't notice but this time you did. My friend had two cats and every once in a while her cat would pee in the heat vent...it would hit you in the face and I am sure I must have made a face cause she said "you can smell cat pee can't you" I just told her yes, she knows it is not her fault and I would tell her that when she would say, I am just mortified.

[Jennifer and Jack]

I have to say if it is one of your dearest friends you want what is best for her. I know the feeling of not wanting to hurt someone. I will defend the people I love to my death. This situation though is different, she is relying on you to tell the truth. She is in so much of the stink that she can not smell it herself.

 

Just be honest with her and then maybe offer to help her do something. It isn't fair to her children either. They should not have to live in that.