True Confessions of a Rescue Mom

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Stuart - our goldendoodle puppy that was a rescue is such a cutie pie!  What is not to love right?  Well, I'm going to tell the whole truth in an effort the give hope to others that might experience the same bonding issue as I have had although I have never seen anyone else admit to this problem - am I the only one then? 

Rooney (our 11 month ALD) in my dreams was a cream puppy with a black nose - what I ended up with is a stunning parti colored, brown nosed doodle that is the love of my life.  He came to us pretty much potty, crate and leash trained.  He isn't perfect but in my eyes is about as close as you can get.  But I felt something was missing - I could tell he was bored and lonely, I felt he needed a brother or sister.  When I saw Stuart's picture on the adoption page - I just knew he was meant to be Rooney's brother and I jumped through the hoops to make it happen, driving 500+ miles one way to go get him out of the foster home - I all but begged for that dog.  The $20. adoption application fee, the $810. adoption fee was steep (who thinks rescue puppies are cheaper? - NOT) only to get there and find out that darling baby Stuart was sick with every known yucky parasite and giardia - nasty.  You have to realize that I don't do yuck very well but I did everything that I could, including catching poop on a paper plate to help Stuart get well and to protect Rooney from becoming infected.  Trip after trip to the vet with the price now well into the $1,200 range and that is without the needed neuter. 

Stuart quickly showed us how loving and smart he was - he learned his name, how to walk on the leash and did good with his potty training.  A real sweet heart - so what's the problem you ask?  I didn't feel like I loved Stuart - yes I took wonderful care of him but I had never bonded TO him.  We left to go to MI with me feeling exhausted, a little bit depressed and wondering how I could have made such a terrible mistake, one that I could see no way to fix.  I couldn't "return" Stuart like he was a pair of shoes that didn't fit.  Was this caused by his illness in the beginning and my not being able to cuddle and snuggle as much as I did with Rooney.  Is it because Stuart is bonding to Rooney and not as much to me?  There is a happy ending here - I wish I could tell you what changed but I don't really know.  Did I just need the extra time, perhaps with the potty training going well I was just getting more sleep?  In the past week something has just blossomed in my heart for my baby Stuart!!!  We swim in the pool together (something Rooney hates), we have our own snuggle time.  My worries are gone and I LOVE this little guy every bit as much as I do Rooney.  I just wanted to share that sometimes love doesn't come in an instant like we would expect and that not to give up because it can still happen!  There was a feeling of shame - like I had failed & was a bad doodle mom.  If anyone else out there ever goes through this - I just want you to know that you are not alone. 

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

Jane, I so understand and have been following your posts about Stuart. (Loved that he's named after one of my favorite towns in Fla).  Your struggles have been loud and clear to me as I had been going through the same with Bella. We've been through fleas, giardia, poop eating, tissue eating, baby toys eating, socks, underwear and rug eating, tormenting Murphy, (my sweet unsuspecting boy), then 5 weeks of watery diarrhea, (many times dumped on the carpet in the living room), oh and did I mention the poop eating enough? Try to snuggle up to a doodle who just had a mouthful of poop! Even the thought that she eats poop would have me pushing her away and telling her NO when she got near my grandson, for health reasons especially. Not exactly the way to bond is it.  She is 1 year old tomorrow, and we've had her for 9 1/2 months now and I can't count the times I have looked at Murphy and thought "what have I done, we were so happy with just you".  Everything is getting better, not cured totally, but better. She is so sweet and so loving that she just makes you fall in love with her. I know that I really do love her now as much as our Murphy. I'm not sure DH is there yet, but he does admit that she has been good for Murphy and is such a sweet dog. I consider you a very good doodle mom and now that you have gone the extra mile to rescue, you are my hero, as well as Stuart's.

 

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

I knew it was a good decision for you. One look at Stuart's soulful eyes and I melted.  Rooney loves having a bro I am sure.

[shelly]

Jane, what a wonderfully sincere post!  I didn't "rescue" Tori - in fact paid A LOT for her (so much DH wanted to name her Moolah) and, I have said this before, did not feel that love connection toward her.  I thought it was because we didn't actually go pick her out of the litter and meet her.  I thought she was cute, loved the idea of having a dog again, but nah... just didn't feel that connection - for a long while too!  And BOY I know the thoughts that went thru' your head.... it's tormenting.  You WANT to love this dog, but you're not sure you do, and that is tormenting!  For me, it took her getting sick with pancreatitis when she was about 13 months old to realize how much I really grew to love her!  so you are correct... we ARE out here... those of us who took a bit longer to LOVE and deeply LOVE our doodles.  Now when I think about getting another, I think 'how will I love that one as much as Tori'!  I can honestly say that I don't think I would do what YOU did for Stuart.  so, pat yourself on the back ....  YOU ARE A WONDERFUL DOODLE MOM!

[Linda and Murphy]

Thanks for posting this, Jane.  For me, I had my perfect Murphy. I had fostered 2  ~ 6 month olds...No problem.

Then I "fostered" Finnegan. I didn't have to fall in love with him because he was a "foster". He was a black dog...I like big blonde jocks. No risk there. I didn't even know what he was...and the only dog I will ever have again is a doodle.  No risk there. He was sweet and easily trained (not like DS's Weim aka Devil Dog). He entertained himself, didn't bug Murphy to death. Was crate trained quickly...as long as it was Murphy's crate.

 

Then, 6 weeks later, someone wanted him...badly. I had to admit that I loved this little guy...no matter that he was black, of undetermined parentage. I had to make a choice. I consulted both DSs, asking if I would be the "crazy dog lady". Both said no, Keep him.  But my older DS said "Mom, you are so good with kids and animals. You expect a lot. But you get so much back.

If you decide to keep him, he will be in the best place he could ever be."   I cried.  And I kept him. Never my intention.

 

I am a Foster Failure. But unlike you, I started out as a foster, so I didn't expect to love him. But it still took awhile.

[shelly]

And Linda... you are a wonderful "FF"!  and when I (finally) grow up in this doodle world... I would love to be an "FF"

[Sara & Trix]

You are not alone, Jane - I struggled with this too.  I'm a first time dog owner, and have no kids.  The first month I had Trixi - I was wondering when the overflowing feeling of love would kick in.  People were giving me sweet comments like ''you must be in love, she is so sweet"  "the love of a dog is a unique and wonderful thing" and all I was thinking was....''I'm tired, and there is pee on my floor''.   It just took some time for me to adjust to having to take care of someone other than myself.  Something I never thought I would struggle with. But now...I am completely in love and I happily do everything I can to make sure Trixi is happy, healthy and balanced. I wouldn't give her up for anything :)

[Jodi and Stella]

Jane, you made me cry...happy tears

[RoseAnn and Roger Fitch]

Thank you for a heartfelt article/confession. We are about to add to our doodlicious (Max, a goldendoodle) family with a rescue labradoodle, Vanessa. I am having those fears in advance. My husband is hoping to be Vanessa's main person, and I hope he is not disappointed.

 

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

PLEASE do not be worried.  This story ends up happy - we just love and adore Stuart now BUT it is best to go in and realize that it might take time to love the new pup when you feel so much for the one you already have.  Add in that our rescue was not well and wasn't house broken.  I was not getting enough sleep and feeling over whelmed.  I live alone all week long and didn't have anyone to help.  Just realizing that it might take some time - you'll be fine.  Can't wait to pictures of your new happy family!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Your post is me regarding adding Clancy.Oh Jane, yes!!!! Yes, to not bonding right away! Yes, to questioning the decision! Yes, to the 'humiliation' of saying, "Gee, I just don't love this new guy as much."  And then suddenly - Boom!  All that love just blossoms out; the appreciation of the new guy for himself with his special positive traits, and not as a first-doodle clone (which is  always disappointing because you have begun to think the other one is perfect, though he also has faults).  While Clancy didn't tire me out with puppy needs or illness, he had the adult dog settling-in for pack position and confrontations with our dear sweet Springer and we had to keep them separated when we were gone and pick up toys/bones they argued over. AND he lifted his leg IN my house - a sure-fire deal breaker in my book. Clancy is now my better obedience trained guy who is always available for cuddling;  Ned is my beloved little prince ; and Gordie is the sweetest, gentlest dog ever.

[Jaime and Barley Barker]

Thanks so much for your honesty! I have to confess that I surprised my mother when I told her that I hadn't really bonded to Barley. (Barley was six months old at that time.) She was shocked! Barley was the first puppy I had raised solo, and she thought I was crazy about him from day one. Sadly, I wasn't. My previous dog was a rescued Sheltie. We got him when he was 17 months old, so we missed all the puppy madness. He was the perfect dog, and he and I bonded immediately. Sadly, I lost Max to lymphoma in 2006.

 

I remember telling my mom, "Barley just isn't Max." Well, duh. Different dog. I thought Barley and I would bond right away, and I was disappointed. Barley had a different personality. For example, Max LOVED to go on walks; Barley prefers to play fetch for exercise rather than to go on walks, and for some reason he's afraid of the woods. My patience was really tried when Barley hit the six-month mark. He became a destructive adolescent and I thought I had made a mistake. Well, fast forward a year and Barley is now a year and a half. Yes, he is different from Max. But I've come to know Barley's personality and I absolutely ADORE this dog now. He is like my child, and both he and I have matured a lot. I can't imagine ever not having Barley. I know he isn't Max, and I wouldn't want him to be. He's my Barley Barker, and God blessed me with him.