What to do if you think your puppy's personality isn't a match for you?

[Lisa Raskind]

Hello Everyone,

We brought our Double Doodle, Hana, home a week ago.  We have been working with her on the usual puppy things;  she is very smart, but super hyper and determined. For example, she still sheiks like she is being murdered when we put her in her crate, and becomes maniacal about getting out. This is not the first dog we have trained, and our others seem much more calm and laid back. We emphasized to the breeder that we wanted a calm dog to be trained as a therapy dog, and I am not sure her personality matches that.  Kind of in a quandary.  It seems that everything is a battle with her, and not just puppy stuff.  

The breeder said she picked the pup for each family based on temperament, but when we got there, I had the feeling she was simply going on the order of the list of deposits.  When do you think a pup should be returned to the breeder if one has the feeling that its temperament is not right for you?  We are in our late sixties and don't want to spend the next 15 years in a constant battle.

Please offer any suggestions you have!!!

[Lynda Kamrath]

Sorry you are going through this period of anxiety with your new pup, but it all sounds pretty normal to me.  She has not been trained for a crate and that is the first thing you need to do if you want to use a crate for her.  I, personally, do not use them except for travel in the car with a new dog.  If you have any concerns about personality, now is the time to return her to the breeder before you get attached to this little doodle.  Some dogs are just more tranquil from the start.  Go with your feelings as there is the correct puppy out there for you.

[Jolene, Sassparilla & Josie]

I can't answer on overall temperament but my girl reacted the same when crated. I was suppose to fly home with her so we checked with a local vet and she explained my girl was hyperventilating and having a panic attack inside the crate and to date we can't really crate her (Now 6).  I compromised and just confined her to a room.  In addition she was diagnosed with severe separation anxiety.  It took years but we've finally got the upper hand but I work full time, she'd be a gem if I could have her with me all the time.  I can say since she's mellowed from the puppy crazies she is an absolute love and devoted companion.  If you have a trusted trainer i would suggest an evaluation. My girl is not the same personality as the puppy I brought home and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Wishing you the best as you figure things out.

[Kaitlin and Ludo]

Others may disagree with me but I think the behavior you describe is totally normal for a puppy.  I think at her age, it is impossible to tell what a she is going to be like for their entire life..  For example, I picked out my Ludo and I picked the most excitable, hyper puppy of the bunch. By the time I brought him home, he was the most laid back, laziest dog I've ever met.  He was grumpy and curmudgeonly as a puppy (though still very loveable) but has become a friendly, well-adjusted and perfect dog for me. 

Next, there is never a guarantee that you're going to get a certain type of dog. Just like they can estimate size and weight-- no one ever guarantees it.  Because again-- the breeder is making a judgment call at 6-8 weeks old and they're puppies. They do the best they can by looking at differentiating features in each puppy.  Puppies aren't well-behaved, they are hyper, they have no manners and in my opinion, when you get a dog, you have to be ready for whatever you get-- it's a 15 year commitment.

HOWEVER-- for the sake of the dog having a great home that is well-suited to them-- if you're not up to the challenge, I think it's ok to consider returning the dog, but what happens when the next dog isn't the *perfect* dog at 10 weeks old? Do you just keep returning puppies until you find the right one? In my opinion, that's not the way it works. If you want a therapy dog, why don't you look for already-trained dog? Maybe from an organization that trains service dogs-- they often have dogs that don't make the cut and are already super trained and might be better suited to you. I can't imagine looking at a new puppy and seeing a 15-year battle ahead of you.  Training is a lifelong commitment and I am a firm believer that you get what you put in when it comes to having a well-behaved, well-adjusted dog.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Kathy and Ruby Skye]

Hi Lisa, sounds like you are at a crossroads with your new pup, Hana. I’ll share my experience since my girl, Ruby is about 17 months old now. She is a mini F1 GoldenDoodle and we brought her home at 7 weeks old. Yes, she was a ball of energy and determination. I had previously raised golden retrievers, so this determination was a new side I hadn’t seen before. It’s kind of funny since they are still so small, but you sure can see it. What helped me the most was two things. 1) I asked the breeder if there were any other new owners that lived in my city (I was local and picked out my own pup). There were two, but I became fast friends with Ruby’s sister Brandy’s parents. We emailed back and forth almost every day initially to discuss their crazy antics and what to do about this and that. It really calmed us both down knowing our pups were both doing the same things. She never did very well in her crate and I always had to put her in as she wouldn’t walk in, treats or not. And 2) Finding DoodleKisses! This is the first time I’ve posted, but I’ve learned so much from this site. I’m 65, hubby is 71, both retired and we couldn’t love our girl more. I don’t think doodles come out of the chute ‘calm’, so if you can hang in there, you will be rewarded with a loving, smart, energetic and loyal member of your family that you wouldn’t trade for the world. The first year is rough, but after that it definitely gets better. Good luck and best wishes! 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I also asked our breeder for the calmest dog in the bunch. My husband and I laugh often that if Fudge was the calmest one in the bunch, I would hate to see the rest. I also found out after joining DK that our breeder was not a good breeder. My Fudge is the smartest dog I have ever had and that is some of the problem. She also has a strong prey drive. Not a combination I would ever want again. That said, I could not love Fudge more! She is my cuddle bug, heart dog, and is a dream in the house. I had to give up some of my expectations, however. She does not like other dogs. I envisioned a dog like our Lab who loved all creatures great and small, but that's not Fudge and I had to come to accept that about her and move on. She loves the dogs I care about....our Vern and my daughter's dogs. In my opinion, your puppy is so young and new that I think it is too soon to tell. She needs time to get used to your home, you, and what is expected of her. She also needs training and a life long commitment from you that you will love her with all her flaws, etc. I hadn't had a puppy in fifteen years when I got Fudge and I had forgotten how much work, etc. went into a puppy. She had teeth like a shark, was headstrong, ornery, and active. All the things that a puppy just is and it was me who had to adjust my mindset and change my expectations. A week is not enough time to know how she will be as an adult. No dog comes trained and you will get from her what you put into her. Any problems I still have with my dogs is on me, not them, because I tend to not follow through on a lot of things :) Fudge is so good with people and when I volunteered, I did sometimes take her with me. She did great. Your sweet pup is going to need training to become a therapy dog and that is going to take lots of work, no matter what puppy you end up with. I hope you give her a chance, but if you know in your heart, you don't want her, please return her sooner rather than later. Just make sure the breeder does right by her. I think you owe her that much. Good luck!

[Missy]

Oh no!! First off, I am a one dog owner, so I do not have much professional advice.  

I think what others have stated as far as to get advice from some trainers if you can. (unbiased opinions maybe)

I just wanted to say that because you have trained other dogs, your gut must be telling you something.  And that comment you made of super hyper and determined, seems to me you might have a strong-willed girl on your hands. Since these pups are extremely smart, if you don't think you are going to have the energy for the next 15 years to keep up with her 'testings', then maybe it's not going to work out for you.  

If there is not JOY now, then I doubt it will get any better for the next 15 years.  I just wanted to send you hugs and support for having a chat with the breeder.  I had a similar experience with an African Grey Parrot.  Those first few weeks, things were not going well, and I wanted to return the bird.  Everyone kept telling me to give it time.  I struggled for 20 years!! I wished I had listened to what my instincts were telling me instead of struggling for those 20 years!  

I would definitely chat with the Breeder to state you are having issues.  A good breeder will offer suggestions, or at least tell you of how your baby was in the home before coming to you. They all have personalities and good breeders are able to state what pups were like as they were raising them. And most importantly, the breeder should let you know when you need to make the decision for returning. Stay true to your feelings!! Puppies are hard enough to raise, but there should be some JOY too!! 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Good points, Missy!

[Stacy]

I don't know from personal experience, but I've heard people say that your brain has a way of forgetting the pain of childbirth, or they would never do it again. Similarly, I think that our minds have a way of whitewashing the trials and tribulations of puppyhood. Because, let’s face it - raising a puppy is hard work. But in the end you have a wonderful companion far longer than you have a naughty, destructive, sleep-deprivation causing puppy. And by the time they are old and gray and inextricably woven into your very being, you have forgotten that initial hard stuff.

When I was thinking about a puppy recently my mom looked at me and said, are you crazy? Do you remember all the stuff Katie ate? The expensive stuff? Replacing $80 dollar computer cords (multiple times) and bras (oh, the bras!) Her bouncing off my head in the middle of the night when I’d gotten home from work when I was absolutely exhausted, before I found doggy daycare. Funny, I didn’t remember. I only think of the sweet girl who curls up on my lap for a long nap and sleeps next to me on the pillow at night. The dog who loves to hike with me at the dog park and can be trusted off leash.

And now Maggie. I adopted her from DRC 2 weeks ago. And I bonded with her immediately, but her trust is a little slower to come. And I think of Ava, and how she and I bonded instantly. But then I read back through the things I wrote then and I realize that my memory is unreliable. She growled at me over a bone and threatened to bite my face. There was a moment when my brother thought she was going to eat him for a snack. But I earned her trust, and I can only remember that we were absolutely best friends. I will earn Maggie’s trust too. It may not happen overnight, but she will find confidence and security over time and that bond will come. I try to remember that in those brief moments when I look at her and wonder if she will ever really love me.

I think what I’m trying to say is that most people have feelings of, “what on earth did I get myself into?” In a week your puppy barely knows who you are. Her whole world has been turned upside down. Last week she had littermates, and a mom, and a different house. I think you might find you have very different feelings about her with a little time. Sometimes the exact right thing is the thing that seems the hardest.

[Lisa Raskind]

To All of you wonderful doodle lovers who responded to me,

Your thoughts and experiences calmed me down, and helped remind me of many important things.  Your words brought laughter and tears to my eyes.  Our daughters reminded us that we were hesitant about our last puppy, who we recently lost at 9--of course we only remember the love we felt for her and perfection we saw in her.

Your words have been a blessing,  and I will keep you posted as we pass through puppyhood with Hana.  Her id tag goes on tonight, so it is official.  She is our new family member, and we embrace her with whatever she will bring to our lives.

Thanks everyone so much!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I am so happy to read this, Lisa! 

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I’m glad you were able to see the love in the advice suggested to you and to look more objectively at the situation. A week isn’t enough time to decide whether that particular puppy is right for you. The real question is whether you really feel up to the challenge of a puppy. That’s really understandable as we do forget the difficulties and we do slow down ourselves, in a decade. I’ll add my experience for a giggle. My husband and I had two children and felt our family was complete. BUT when they both were in school we realized that we wanted to enjoy the baby, toddler, and pre-school stages again. So, a decade after we had our first child, we had our third. IN the delivery room, we turned to each other and cried, “What have we done?”  If we could have ‘sent’ him back at that moment, we would have. Of course we couldn’t and so we set ourselves to enjoying him, and we have. 

[Lisa Raskind]

Oh my gosh, a great story.  I have truly felt the love in all of your replies.  Hana is definitely a handful, but we have embraced her whole-heartedly.  We had to take her to the ER yesterday for vomiting and lethargy, which opened our hearts to her even more; she was especially cuddly and quiet, so we got a glimpse of who she might become.  Today she is back to her normal puppy self, and we are up for the challenge!  At least it will go faster than our daughters' teenage years!